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Heroes of Barsaive campaign

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An Earthdawn campaign converted into D&D 4th Ed.


Cro-Mag
Goliath warden with a chip on his shoulder. A chip that is ON FIRE.

Molokhai
An aloof and bloodthirsty eladrin wizard.

Petr Mogila
Elementalist and aspiring deforester.

Tuzigoot Keweenaw
A shifter cleric with a sword, full plate, and a shield.



Famous Last Words


Gordon (singing): Molokhee, Molokhoo, Molokha, Molo ha-ha.

Alan (DM): Well the fight's going to happen around the door again. But that's what happens if you don't pour through right away.
Gordon (Petr): Well the one guy who could poured through. I guess Doc could have poured through but that would have been tactically retarded.

Gordon (Petr): Doc, how long have you been a Nazi sympathizer?
Doc (Molokhai): Umm, since I stopped beating my wife.

Gordon (Petr): What are you talking about?
Alan (DM): Something different from you. Because the fact that I just answered your question and you're still confused means you're explaining yourself poorly.

Gordon (Petr): Hey, János is writing down quotes! The universe has realigned itself; the horrible things we say will live on on the internet.
János (Tuzigoot): I just grieve for all the missed quotes.
Gordon (Petr): That's okay, János; we'll make more.

Alan (DM): You move to flank with the prone wizard?

Alan (DM): You can't keep [plants] in the sun and protect them from cats... You could hide them in dark corners and set up an elaborate series of mirrors.

Alan (DM): He doesn't want you to get temporary hit points [while making you hit your ally]; that seems like a silly plan.

Alan (DM): Well Molokhai goes next, so I think I know what happens to one minion.
Doc (Molokhai): I shoot that guy.
Alan (DM): You may pick one minion and remove him from the map.

Doc (Molokhai): Could you... (*hands Gordon a dripping can*)
Gordon (Petr): How did you do that?
Doc (Molokhai): I didn't. Your cat did that!
Gordon (Petr): Poked a hole in a can with a claw?!
Alan (DM): Wow, I have a whole new game to play with your cats!

Alan (DM): You are awesome! No wait, BAD KITTY!
Doc (Molokhai): I am at the same time horrified and impressed.

Doc (Molokhai): That was a little gay there, Gordon.
Gordon (Petr): Cats respond to higher voices.
Doc (Molokhai): So the lisp was superfluous?

Gordon (Petr): And I stay up top where it's safe.
János (Tuzigoot): Then Kaalan jacks you.
Gordon (Petr): I would win. Well, if he hit me I would teleport down and hide with you... Hiding is like winning.

Alan (DM): There's a humanoid lying on a table with six arms and a beaked face... I forgot to draw that. And he's cut open down the middle.

Alan (DM): These yuan-ti seem to be working on a laundry list of scary shit. They made the cadaver baboons, they're doing something weird to this guy...

Alan (DM): If you could transport a 4-foot alembic you could sell it for 200 GP.
Gordon (Petr): Or throw it down the shaft!
Doc (Molokhai): That seems needlessly destructive.
Gordon (Petr): What word did you use in front of 'destructive'? I just didn't understand what it meant.

Alan (DM): And you'll continue to know the rituals it taught you even if you get rid of this item.
Doc (Molokhai): It's like Mavis Beacon's typing but for dark, eldritch magic.

Alan (DM): This room appears to be a library.
János (Tuzigoot): We can't have a combat in a library! That's sacrilege. Let's go back and fight in the temple.

Alan (DM): She probably wants to move because people are rappelling down on her.
János (Tuzigoot): The rappelling people are repelling her?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Are you going to gather them all and in the darkness bind them?
Doc (Molokhai): Well it's not dark but that doesn't scan well. I mean, 'gather them and in the minimum illumination allowed by OSHA bind them' just doesn't work.

Gordon (Petr): Are you doing horrible things to János?
Alan (DM): He's slowed, weakened, and blind.
Doc (Molokhai): Soon there's going to be no part of ADA he doesn't qualify for.

Doc (Molokhai): I spend an action point and cast visions of ruin, and it's right...
Gordon (Petr): Obnoxious. I mean, here.

Gordon (Petr): I make a zone...
Alan (DM): Another zone, a third zone?

Alan (DM): This is only the second round.
Gordon (Petr): This is what happens when 2 people who deal lots of damage spend action points.

Alan (DM): I have to say when I designed this encounter I put in a higher-level soldier so he would actually survive a few rounds.

Alan (DM): As she drops her dagger and raises her hands in a gesture of surrender, you brain her with a hammer. I'm serious; she was next in the initiative order and she was going to surrender, but you had to action point and do fucktons of damage.

Alan (DM): Brooke, there's something you should know... Your cats can claw through metal, that's what I'm saying.

Alan (DM): Then Cro-Mag went thump-thump-thump-thump down the stairs and she went "I surren-" SLAM.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "I don't care how clean your hands are!"


Gordon (Petr): Alan, look.
Alan (DM): You're doing something stupid; not looking.
Gordon (Petr): How did you know?
Alan (DM): Because you asked me to look. Alternatively, because you're still breathing.

Alan (DM): This is a ti-khana deinonychus, though it turns out real deinonychuses were probably feathered. Oh well.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): We could nuke these bitches from orbit.
Gordon (Petr): That's the only way I roll.

Alan (DM): The Serpentor-wannabe is a yuan-ti Malison encantor.

Alan (DM): Then the poison courses through your veins. Fortitude 20.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): That is way insufficient...
Alan (DM): Yeah, but you're made of rock and don't have any veins.

Alan (DM): Then the encantor goes.
Gordon (Petr): He's like a decantor, but an encantor.
Doc (Molokhai): It's like belly buttons...

János (Tuzigoot): It's the sacrificial lamb gambit. We don't have to outrun the yuan-ti, we just have to outrun you.

Gordon (Petr): There's fi- si- fi- six...
Doc (Molokhai): Shut up, Gordon. Stop trying to count, math major.

Alan (DM): There's this owl that has two different predator responses. For small things it tries to make itself look bigger, and for big things it tries to make itself look like Darth Vader. I'm not kidding.

Alan (DM): Don't search for Darth Vader owl yet. That will be your reward if we finish this encounter early.

János (Tuzigoot): How did we all move like that? Did we just castle?
Doc (Molokhai): I have a number of chess-based powers.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I sure hope this is the climactic battle.
Gordon (Petr): It's not.
Doc (Molokhai): This is just the warm-up boss.

Gordon (Petr): It would make the combat go faster.
Alan (DM): The combat is going plenty fast. You're chewing through these fuckers.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): It would really suck if you had leprosy and hemophilia.
Gordon (Petr): No it wouldn't; it would be short.
Doc (Molokhai): No, it would mean there is a god and he hates you the most.

János (Tuzigoot): My goal for this action is to roll a d20 and not get a 3, which I think is all I've gotten so far this session. (*rolls*) 2.
Nathan: You need to define your conditions better.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Why is this purple die on me?
János (Tuzigoot): It's been on you a long time.
Gordon (Petr): Oh, I centered an attack on you.
Alan (DM): You've been carrying a burst around.

Doc (Molokhai): Motherbelgium.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You shut your mouth.
Doc (Molokhai): Just talkin' 'bout Belgium.

Nathan: What does prone mean to a two-dimensional creature?
Doc (Molokhai): A two-dimensional swarm!
Alan (DM): It's weird.

Alan (DM): Semantically this combat is very problematic.

Gordon (Petr): Doc, you have a good reflex, right?
Doc (Molokhai): Yes, it's crazy sick.

Alan (DM): Make an arcana check.
Gordon (Petr): Should I?
Alan (DM): Everyone can make an arcana check and Doc will beat you.


Alan (DM): The book has been around a long time and there's always been this "if only we could" kind of feeling.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Read, that is.

János (Tuzigoot): You know what the opposite of an exodus is? A crusade.

Alan (DM): That horror you know as Harjarlifex, Artificer of Dooms.
Gordon (Petr): Dooms?! He manufactures dooms?!

Alan (DM): Rumor has it the area is dotted with kaers that all failed and are filled with riches for anyone foolish enough to go there and get killed.
Doc (Molokhai): I know four guys just like that!

Alan (DM): There is no space in the badlands that is not either near or in a box canyon or gully, none of which are ever in the direction you need to go.

Gordon (Petr): I heard you say 'ogres and blow.'
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You know I said 'hookers.'

Alan (DM): You are not exposing yourselves over the tops of the buttes.

Alan (DM): If you get grabbed the roper drags you into its horrible, horrible, horrible jaws.
Gordon (Petr): I get the impression this thing has horrible jaws.

Alan (DM): This creature seems like a cross of a rat, a snake, and something with a beak.
János (Tuzigoot): That's a whole lot of things I wouldn't normally cross.

Alan (DM): It looks like an earth-q'wril, but like three times larger than it should be.
János (Tuzigoot): 35 [nature check].
Alan (DM): It's a dire earth-q'wril.

Alan (DM): I'm glad it used its action point on its first round because it had 304 hit points that just went missing.

Gordon (Petr): Holy shit; giant fucking scorpions, dude. Haven't we been grappled enough today?

János (Tuzigoot): Are you eating Silly Putty.
Gordon (Petr): It's cheese individually wrapped in wax.
János (Tuzigoot): It just looked like you were eating out of a red egg.
Gordon (Petr): I like it because afterwards I can play with the wax.
János (Tuzigoot): At that point, why not just eat Silly Putty?

János (Tuzigoot): I push the [colossal scorpion] two squares and knock it prone.
Doc (Molokhai): This is like Clash of Titans ridiculous.

Gordon (Petr): I could feel the heat from János's penis in my rectum.
Alan (DM): I don't want to know why you just said that.
Doc (Molokhai): The fact that you stripped out any subtlety or innuendo that would have made that funny, I'm like 'ehh.'

Alan (DM): So these things don't have any treasure because anything with treasure would have killed them by now.
János (Tuzigoot): If they didn't have anything better to do for a couple hours.

Doc (Molokhai): Eventually every god's gonna jack off somewhere and spawn a new race. If we've learned anything, it's that god semen + element x = creature z.

Gordon (singing to himself): Girls like naked women... (*thinks*) if you're lucky.

Alan (DM): The bottom creature in this relationship... is a charnel hound.
Gordon (Petr): It is not my fault that is funny.

Alan (DM): Just when I think I can get through an encounter without getting Visions of Ruin.

Doc (Molokhai): I have an action point and I'm leading with Sleep.
Alan (DM): Boy, you're angry with these people.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm not angry, I just have a lot of daily powers to use up.


Alan (DM): Does anyone, and by anyone I mean Patrick, have a burning desire to watch a football game tonight?

Alan (DM): How is everyone doing with leveling? Doc is doing something.
Doc (Molokhai): I just finished. I'm complete and legal. It's telling me so.
János (Tuzigoot): Complete and legal: that's like the antithesis of the kind of girls Gordon likes... underage amputees.

Alan (DM): Did you save against the effect- you did; you even told me about it.
János (Tuzigoot): I can't imagine why that wasn't the most memorable part of your day so far.
Gordon (Petr): That was the blow job I gave.
Alan (DM): You gave me a blow job? Apparently it was a lot more memorable to you.
Doc (Molokhai): "You know I can't feel anything when you do that... I didn't say stop."

Alan (DM): He's very sad he missed you with his wracking blast.
Doc (Molokhai): His emotional health is not my responsibility.
Alan (DM): He's just feeling like you're not the right person to be attacking.
Doc (Molokhai): His self-esteem is also not my concern.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): That's actually a good place for Doc because he can look down on everyone.
János (Tuzigoot): Doc looks down on everyone anyway.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): All because he's an eladrin. 'We're like elves but better.'

Gordon (Petr): Is it possible to get a blow job from another dimension and time? Would that even feel good? "Ooh, that was stimulating me four seconds ago." Would you be able to orgasm?
Alan (DM): You would remember just orgasming.
Gordon (Petr): Would there be a mess? Would you see the mess appear on his face and know "Oh, I'm about to come?"
Doc (Molokhai): To answer all these questions you should read some Doctor Who fan fiction and then never discuss this with us again.

Alan (DM): I made the most obnoxious terrain possible and I managed to drag the combat out five rounds.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Aww.
Gordon (Petr): Cro-Mag's like "I ran all the way over here and you killed him with a crappy javelin?"

Alan (DM): This is the part of game I didn't really take into account.
Gordon (Petr): Sweet! I love the repercussions of that.

Gordon (Petr): We need to kill this thing quickly; it can hit Cro-Mag and that's a problem.

Alan (DM): You can swim to the edge.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I'm an ooze-rider.

Alan (DM): Doc, could you turn on the light behind your head? Keep clicking; it's a three-way.
Doc (Molokhai): See how I just left that alone?

Alan (DM): He looks briefly surprised that both his allies are no longer alive.
Doc (Molokhai): No crying over spilt allies.

Gordon (Petr): Don't use your action point now, Patrick.
János (Tuzigoot): Save it.
Alan (DM): No action point for you. You've been talked out of your action point so Gordon can claim the glory!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): 37 vs. AC. 35.
Alan (DM): Yes... Why did it go down?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): It didn't; that was a second attack.

Alan (DM): [These living quarters] are not empty; there's armoires and boudoirs and... other French furniture.

Alan (DM): He's bloodied before he attacks.
Doc (Molokhai): I like these odds, guys.

Gordon (Petr): These [Buckyballs] are awesome! You bought them for yourself?
Alan (DM): Yes. Well, my sister gave me the gift certificate and I decided this was the best use of it.
Gordon (Petr): What was the gift certificate for?
Alan (DM): MARBLES: THE BRAIN STORE.
Doc (Molokhai): The fuck?
Gordon (Petr): You heard him.

Alan (DM): I suppose he should shift just so it feels like he's trying to survive.
Gordon (Petr): I think Doc's minor action will kill him.


Gordon (Petr): One of the things about pornography is that it's not held to a high level of truthfulness.

Gordon (Petr): Uptown is essentially like a little chunk of Hell.

Gordon (to the outdoors): You are not giving me twelve inches of snow, bitch; step it up!

Gordon (Petr): Sandworm.
Alan (DM): Do know how hard it is to get summoned creatures to walk without rhythm?
János (Tuzigoot): Just play them some blink-182.

Alan (DM): You are pulled into the creature's space.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Just where I want to be! So much easier to stab its kidney from the inside.

Alan (DM): These are depraved thirsters.
János (Tuzigoot): They're a staple on the club scene.

Alan (DM): Nothing can sate their unquenchable thirst.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): They have clearly never encountered PowerThirst.

János (Tuzigoot): Third attack... botch.
Gordon (reminding János about his Warpriest's Strategy class feature): And you are..?
János (Tuzigoot): That guy!

Alan (DM): It's going 'AUGHHHH THIRSTY' right in your face and that's really distracting.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm going to...
Gordon (whispering): Jizz on him, jizz on him.
Doc (Molokhai): I only get one action; I'm not doing that.

Alan (DM): Oh, he's not thingamerfied anymore!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Who is Krathis Gron?
Alan (DM): She's the author of The Seeds of Nation.
Doc (Molokhai): I like to think she's more the orks' Malcolm X than their Messiah.

Alan (DM): One thing you should know is that orks like to form a gahad, which is one of those stupid role-playing hooks they wrote into games in the late 90s.

Alan (DM): Orks are the most popular slaves among the Therans.
János (Tuzigoot): I hate how those popular slaves are always lording it over me.

János (Tuzigoot): Just for the record, how do you spell the name of Krathis Gron?
Alan (DM): K-R-A-T-H-I-S G-R-O-N-apostrophe-apostrophe-colon.

Alan (DM): Lochost, who is the passion of...
Gordon (Petr): Testicular cancer... I love testicular cancer.

Alan (DM): It really throws giant monkeywrenches into the political situation.
Gordon (Petr): And I love giant things that are monkeys.

Alan (DM): Okay, you're not getting aids from there... I didn't mean it like that.

Gordon (Petr): Krathis Gron is running around proselytizing.
János (Tuzigoot): Or 'pros-' something; I'm not sure what.

Alan (DM): What's your nature check?
János (Tuzigoot): I lead us through five patches of poison ivy.

Doc (Molokhai): Slavery, female Malcolm X; this has Oscar written all over it.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma, dripping with puzzle sauce.
Gordon (Petr): I would prefer it if you were a mystery wrapped in a pancake and put on a stick, like a mystery corn dog.
János (Tuzigoot): Corn dogs are a mystery.

Gordon (Petr): Na-na-na-na, you found... testicular cancer.
Doc (Molokhai): You found... a lump.

Alan (DM): You see a small little phalanx of Therans coming out of the woods.
János (Tuzigoot): A small little phallus?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): The squad leader is a woman!
Alan (DM): Therans are egalitarian in matters of gender, just not race.

János (Tuzigoot): You're perpetuating something there, I'm not sure what.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm not sure it even counts as culture.

Gordon (Petr): I'm going to teleport over here so I can use my at-will to kill them, which is somehow more embarrassing.

Alan (DM): You like being a magma brute, don't you?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Well, if I'm going to get hit a bunch, it helps. And I'll get to splash all over her.

Gordon (Petr): Knock her down; don't let her ever stand up again.
János (Tuzigoot): Are you projecting your views about women onto combat again?

Gordon (Petr): János is going to have to heal someone.
János (Tuzigoot): And we will always mock you for needing healing in a combat against minions.

Alan (DM): This was the worst encounter ever for our enlightenment.

Alan (DM): You reach Red Pot, where Krathis Gron is about to speak.
Doc (Molokhai): Are the people here all high?
Alan (DM): No... that was back in Happy Valley.

Alan (DM): These people are worried about violence and bloodshed in weird ways.
Doc (Molokhai): Did they know we were coming to town?

Alan (as Krathis): "What is your stake in ork destiny? Our movement is about freeing ourselves from the influence of the other races."
János (Tuzigoot): Lady, it's called white guilt.

Alan (as Krathis): "Have you provoked the Therans in the past?"
Gordon (Petr): "...Maybe a little."

János (on alternatives to Gordon's pregnant wife picking him up in a major snowstorm): And it endangers fewer fetuses.
Gordon (Petr): Well, some people would argue that because it's my fetus, that's not a bad thing.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Are you one of those people?


Alan (DM): Gordon will not be joining us because he may be about to become a father.

Alan (DM): If you have a rabbit and you let it out, the first thing it will do is go behind your TV and devour every cable. It's somewhere in the rabbit code of conduct.

Alan (DM): On the way you plan to stop by the villages of Yellowspring and Cherrypit.
Doc (Molokhai): Didn't we force them to make peace?
Alan (DM): You encouraged them to settle their differences or you would murder every last one of them. You didn't say it, but it was very heavily implied.

Alan (DM): When you get closer you see there is something large behind the cart-
Doc (whispering): A gazebo!

Alan (DM): The other horse is magic, so I'm not going to worry about [Patrick sharing its space].
Doc (Molokhai): And insubstantial.
Alan (DM): NO, because that would be bad to ride!

Doc (Molokhai): I cast Visions of Ruin on the cloaker lord.
Alan (DM): I see; it's going to be one of those days.

Alan (DM): It is trying to envelope Tuzigoot... and fumbling.
János (Tuzigoot): I like this plan.

Alan (DM): I try to make the treasure interesting and you start critiquing me. I say it's elven silverware and you say "no, but elves don't make silverware that way." They're probably all sporks, because sporks are like spoons, but better.

Alan (DM): Why are you provoking? Why don't you just run around him?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): So I can mark him while adjacent.
Alan (DM): I see; you're just doing a fly-by.

Doc (having failed an endurance check to run over to a combat): "I can't make it... guess I'll just have to Dimension Door... Why didn't I think of this... two or three... rounds ago?"

Doc (Molokhai): Dice of Auspicious Fuck You, apparently: 2, 5, and 6.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): You know, it's weird. We're surprisingly adult when Gordon's not here.

Alan (DM): He Gutshots the air.
Doc (Molokhai): The air goes "Ahh, my kidney!"

Alan (DM): They are infected with meazels, M-E-A-Z-E-L.
Doc (Molokhai): There's the name of the person who came up with that, right? So I can find their house and kick their ass?

Alan (DM): They do this thing that takes up a huge long paragraph in their stat block that I've been entirely forgetting.

Alan (as villager): "Please help us!"
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "We can do anything, for a price."

Doc (Molokhai): "We're going to Yellowspring."
Patrick (threateningly): "And if their spring isn't yellow, we're coming back."

Doc (Molokhai): "We need horses, delicious horses. I mean fast, swift horses."

Doc (Molokhai): "Why didn't you pack rations?" "We did, we brought horses."

Doc (Molokhai): And ninja costumes, as we all know, don't block the wind. Except maybe Patrick.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Speak for yourselves, I have a Gore-Tex ninja costume.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): "Get off my wizard, bitch."

Alan (DM): I don't think you want him getting your wizard off.
Doc (Molokhai): I don't want him getting down by getting up to get off.

Alan (DM): I assume you put them out of your misery.
Doc (Molokhai): Mwah-hah-hah! I mean, yes.


Doc (Molokhai): Have you seen Beneficent Transformation?
Alan (DM): No, what is it?
Doc (Molokhai): It's a 16th level utility sp-
Alan (DM): Oh, something in-game. I thought you were talking about a Firefox extension or something.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Alan, one of your neighbors has a giant fucking cat.
János (wonderingly): A cat that fucks giants.

Alan (DM): I've played Masters of Orion 2 a bunch, so I'm familiar with that aspect.
Doc (Molokhai): I haven't, so I'm appreciating this exposition. It's like Civilization?
Alan (DM): It's like Civilization... in spaaaace!

Alan (DM): Before you is a scene of utter devastation.
János (Tuzigoot): "Every place we go turns to ashes!"
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "Let's go back to Blood Wood, then!" Sorry, Doc; you're supposed to be playing Gordon, not me.

Doc (Molokhai): One of you dice needs to not suck ass today. So far many of you have been disappointing me.

Doc (Molokhai): Maybe there's a reason I used a daily power to create a portal next to that spellcaster who needs to be stabbed a whole bunch.

Alan (DM): You are a meanie-pants.
Doc (Molokhai): That's what I do.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): What did he do?
Alan (DM): He slowed him and made him unable to teleport.

Doc (Molokhai): I want this to be the most demoralizing combat for him ever.

Alan (DM): He blasts you with a Ray of Spring's Rejection. Winter is dragging on and it makes you all depressed.
Doc (Molokhai): Ray of Cure Album.

Doc (Molokhai): Blazing Starfall it is. (*rolls*) Blazing Starfall it almost was.

Alan (DM): He shoots you with a Ray of Humility. 28 versus Will.
Doc (Molokhai): Miss. That would have hit me if I hadn't retrained all those dumb feats.

Alan (DM): So you have slain these strange creatures of the Feywild. Twice, even though they were dead to begin with.

Alan (DM): You're talking about using a ritual to create a hard-to-find camp that you're not even in?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): They were elves, so you know what they have? Perception.
Doc (Molokhai): You know what else they have: literacy. We should just put exploding runes everywhere.

Alan (DM): Oh, I forgot to mention the elves were wearing jewelry worth 7000 gp.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm not Gordon, so I wanna care, but I just can't somehow.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): "Molokhai, what do your elf ears see?"

Alan (DM): [Tuzigoot] knows of it because you know of, even though it's not famous or anything, Raintree is near the head of a stream that flows out of the Tylon Mountains.
Doc (Molokhai): As an amateur limnologist, you're aware of this.

Alan (DM): So make a streetwise check to see if you can find out what's going on.
Doc (Molokhai): That's Gordon?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Gordon's the sociable one.
Doc (Molokhai): "Shitcock– I mean hi." That's sort of what you get with the rest of our charisma scores.

Alan (DM): These are goliath enforcer legbreakers.
Doc (Molokhai): That is a highly specific title.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): He's making a panache attack?
Alan (DM): I'm just interpreting the rules very strongly in his favor.

Alan (DM): You can see them among the merlons. I really like that word.
Doc (Molokhai): It's like 'myrmidons' or 'Morlocks.'
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Or 'Menomonee.'
Alan (DM): It's really been in my mind lately because a while back I was desperately trying to remember it and all I could come up with were entirely the wrong words, like 'merlot.'
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Better that than 'merkin.'

Alan (DM): By the argument that "you're only alive because of..."
Doc (Molokhai): "The restraint of our enraged eladrin wizard."

Doc (Molokhai): "Go in peace, or we'll kill you."
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "Go in peace, or go in pieces."

Alan (DM): I was assuming you wouldn't still have your horses for this, so I'm going to wing it, including the horses.
János (Tuzigoot): We have winged horses now? That's awesome!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Were you inspired by my reckless heroism in the last battle to run into the middle of things yourself?
Doc (Molokhai): I mean, the worst that could happen is I could die horribly. That's the disadvantage of playing 2 characters at once; it's not like this is the only one I've got.

Doc (Molokhai): The first thing I'll do is create a Howling Hurricane, because what this combat most needs is another zone.

Alan (DM): Ruffian 6 will roll a ginormous number to hit and shit-tastic damage.
Doc (Molokhai): Okay. Convert that into integers for me.

Alan (DM): Oh, I'm sure this fight will be over in an hour, from now.
János (Tuzigoot): I've heard that before.

Doc (Molokhai): As your lawyer, I advise you to fuck him over royally.

Alan (DM): Oh, I forgot that, but it's nearly 8 [o'clock] and I'm going to delete that ability forever or you guys will all hate me.


Gordon (Petr): You know, János, you could probably live without a baby.
János (Tuzigoot): Done.
Gordon (Petr): They're okay, I guess.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You mean for spawning or eating?

Gordon (Petr): You can eat the placenta, you can legally eat that.
János (Tuzigoot): I've had polenta; it wasn't all that great.

Gordon (Petr): Are we making breakfast?
Alan (DM): Wh- no, you made breakfast earlier.
János (in Scottish accent): "That was first breakfast; this is second breakfast."

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Does he cast a shadow?
Alan (DM): Uh, yes.
János (Tuzigoot): Guess I can't eat him; I'm a fifth-level vegan.

Alan (DM): He was assassinated by Theran agents.
János (Tuzigoot): Or reagents.

Alan (DM): We need an encounter 'cause it's 1:30 and nothing has died.

Alan (DM): As you travel through a forest you hear a chilling series of howls.
Gordon (Petr): I like chilling series of howls. Does it involve a moving castle?

Alan (DM): This Firbolg is a Bloodbear. He has channeled his primal moon power into turning into a bear and eating people.

Alan (DM): He's carrying a giant macheaver... I combined machete and cleaver into one word because I couldn't decide between them.

Alan (DM): He is followed by a pack of Moonhounds, which are regular dogs bred with moonlight. Crossbred with moonlight.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I thought they used it for artificial insemination.

Gordon (Petr): I burst there and... crit on my first two rolls.
Alan (DM): Well, these were fun creatures.

Alan (DM): And now he follows the maxim of elites everywhere.
Gordon (Petr): He isn't dead so he's spending his action point!

Gordon (singing): I like doggies and doggies like me/ I like to hit them against a tree. Don't write that down, János; the SPCA will come visit me.

János (Tuzigoot): 32 points of thunder damage and he's deafened.
Alan (DM): What?

Alan (DM): Is Molokhai voting to let him escape? I mean, Doc wouldn't, but Doc isn't here.

Alan (DM): These are unnaturally clean dogs, being washed constantly in moonlight.
Gordon (Petr): I thought they were impregnated with moonlight.
Alan (DM): That too.
János (Tuzigoot): Moon facial!

Gordon (Petr): That's okay, we haven't killed an entire town before. Have we killed an entire town yet? Yeah, there was that Cthulhu town. We killed everybody there, or tried to at least. (singing) "Won't you take me to/ Cthulhu town?"

Alan (DM): You are killing that woman on the off chance that she's a hag?

Alan (DM): You have failed the skill challenge before you learned its rules.

Alan (DM): If you think it should work that way I won't argue to make it easier for you.

Alan (DM): I thought 'Oh God, one of them died; this is going to be terrible.' Now I'm not so sure.

Alan (DM): Molokhai, you get to represent the PCs.
Alan (DM): Okay, that fight was fantastic and terrible.
Gordon (Petr): Nothing about this fight was terrible. Everything about this fight was pure comedy gold.
Alan (DM): I'll just say, you had a lot of fun in that fight, but these two guys took no actions except for the other side.

János (Tuzigoot): That's a really small room.
Alan (DM): It's a dais.
János (singing): "It's a dais, it's a dais/ Come and rock me, it's a dais."

Alan (DM): Make your athletics check.
Gordon (Petr): Can you possibly fail it?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Probably not, but I like to feel like a ninja sometimes.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I guess he is a wizard; they're not used to people standing next to them.
Alan (DM): He had four people to stand in the way but they all died in a round and a half.

Alan (DM): They had 150 hit points each, but you just went BLAAGHHH!
Gordon (Petr): It felt important!

Gordon (Petr): I have to go right after game ends. My aunt is coming over to see my baby.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): And you have to be there why?
Gordon (Petr): Because my family should not... my parents' family should not be unrestrained around my not-my-parents' family.

Alan (DM): So you interrogate a 14-year-old girl, which is not hard.
Gordon (Petr): Wow, when you put it like that it sounds not very heroic!


Gordon (Petr): So the only problem with [the Frostwolf Pelt] is its origin story is kind of disgusting.
Doc (Molokhai): It's made of a wolf pelt?
Alan (DM): No, it started as a dog collar that became matted with Moonhound fur over many years of being worn constantly so that it essentially turned into a rope of dog hair.

Alan (DM): So my extemporaneous attempts to explain something devolved into dirty stories, yet again.

Alan (DM): And Doc, I imagine you couldn't walk 24 miles in a day.
Doc (Molokhai): I have, but it was mostly a fuck-you-world thing rather than a physical fitness thing.

Alan (DM): No. For the first 10 years elves age at the same rate as humans. Then from 10 to 80 they traverse the same span that humans do from 10 to 17.
Doc (Molokhai): Wait, so they're puberty lasts...
Alan (DM): Yeah, but it's elf puberty so it's better.

Doc (Molokhai): Besotted it a word that means..?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Full of sot.
Alan (DM): Wet for.

Gordon (Petr): I'm the only one with [Streetwise or Thievery], so I can't aid myself.
Doc (Molokhai): If it were a lock underground, I could aid you then.

Doc (Molokhai): I sneezed so hard it hurt.
Gordon (Petr): I've sneezed so hard my prostate tensed up and it hurt.
Alan (DM): Okay, too much information.
Doc (Molokhai): No, exactly the right amount of information.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): János, why aren't you writing?
János (Tuzigoot): I don't know if I really want that to live on.

Alan (DM): I think this is the counter I used for [Hefera], but it really looks like an old man saying 'I like pants!'

Alan (DM): This creepy thing with tentacles rises out of the water and then keeps rising. It's still in the water, but way higher than the laws of buoyancy should allow.

Alan (DM): The main thing you remember about aboleths is they enslave people and turn them into horrid fish-monsters.
János (Tuzigoot): Horrid fishmongers?!

Alan (DM): A mucus haze spreads across the docks.
Doc (Molokhai): Aughh, blow your nose! Clean your vents, or something!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): How's he looking?
Alan (DM): Really, really bad. There are very few things you could do involving dice that wouldn't kill him.

Doc (Molokhai): Remember: in a world of magical healing, keel-hauling is not a terminal method of discipline.
Alan (DM): There are people who survived keel-hauling.
Doc (Molokhai): Not many! They had better chances if they went side-to-side than front-to-back.
Gordon (Petr): I thought you could only go front-to-back.
Doc (Molokhai): No, you can go side-to-side too. Think about that next time you keel-haul someone. You've got options.

Alan (DM): You traverse patches of rocky ice and icy rock.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I call it 'rice.'

Gordon (Petr): Everyone likes jacking you horribly.
Doc (Molokhai): No, some of us are just contractually obligated, Gordon.

Alan (DM): An enormous silver dragon emerges.
János (Tuzigoot): I roll initiative.

Alan (DM): You have seen dragons before and this one is on an entirely different scale than the others.
Doc (Molokhai): It's silvery!

Alan (as Icewing): "Do you think I don't already know all this, Hefera? Will your allies still follow the same plans when they know you have been brought here?" Hefera stammers something noncommittal. Icewing looks down on him and says gently, "Don't worry, Hefera, there is a purpose you can still serve for me." Hefera looks up with a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes. That's when Icewing eats him.

Alan (as Icewing): "I want you to deliver something for me, though you'll have to wait 36 hours or so first."
Gordon (Petr): We have to ferry around dragon dung?!

Alan (as Icewing): "Even now my agents are moving to rescue Aardelea."
Gordon (Petr): "I had no intention of actually killing her; that was just a rumor!"

Alan (as Icewing): "Don't worry; I have a plan."
Gordon (Petr): "Your last plan involved eating a person!"
Doc (Molokhai): Which was a very good plan, in fact.

Alan (as Icewing): "I know, you adventurers are expecting mountains of treasure as a reward for the dangers you have overcome. It's amazing what adventurers find to spend gold on. This way, then."
Doc (Molokhai): Wow, Icewing knows all the right things to say around Gordon.

Alan (as Icewing): "If for some reason you have to flee the triumph before getting the box [of Hefera's bones] into [General Nikar's] bedchamber, I will understand. Simply get it as close as possible. It will still be sufficiently intimidating if it's in the mailroom. If you get the box into the bedchamber, though, I offer you an incentive. A gift I have given to very few namegivers."
Gordon (Petr): Testicular cancer? ...See, it fits everywhere!

Doc (Molokhai): We're gonna be here 36 hours at least, maybe 48 if he doesn't eat a lot of fiber. Though this guy would have to eat a whole forest to get enough fiber to pass him faster. Useful thing about Blood Wood, though...

Alan (DM): What do you need to know about the Burning Caves?
Doc (Molokhai): Well, you've covered the basics: they're caves and they're burning.

Gordon (Petr): Why did we leave out the back like they were expecting?
Doc (Molokhai): Clearly the most circumspect thing we could have done was tunnel into the vault of the neighboring bank and exit through the lobby.

Doc (Molokhai): It's a veritable Pandora's box of... pretty much everything the real Pandora's box was.

Alan (DM): Patrick, witness! Reflex 20!
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Miss.
Alan (DM): That might be the first time.

Alan (DM): 10 damage and you are tasty, save ends.

Doc (Molokhai): God, these [cultists] make furries look positively rational.

Alan (DM): The Herald hits ACs 39 and 22.
Gordon (Petr): That's quite a spread.
Alan (DM): If you do your math you will note that that is the greatest spread achievable with neither criticaling or fumbling.

Alan (DM): You know what crazy cultists don't do? Notice when they're losing.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You know what else they don't do? Live if they fail.

Alan (DM): It's a great mystery to everyone why anyone would join a Horror cult because it just doesn't seem like a winning proposition.

Alan (DM): Doc, you're good at this, and by good at this I mean good at sucking.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Hey Doc, wanna earn some extra money?

Doc (Molokhai): Fine, I'll make another check and we'll move on.
Alan (DM): Nah, you don't need to make another check; I'm gonna kill you.

Gordon (Petr): János is a cocksucking whore.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): No, that's Doc.
János (Tuzigoot): Yeah, I don't charge. I do it for love of the game.

Doc (Molokhai): Just because you said something that was self-deprecating but hilarious doesn't mean you don't get to write it down.

Doc (singing to the tune of the Smurfs theme): "La-la-la-la-la-la, burny-burny-burn." What? Gordon wasn't doing anything; I had to pick up the slack in our dumb songs rotation.


Gordon (Petr): We're here to kill [The Water Lane Gang] and take their stuff-
János (Tuzigoot): And their identities.

Alan (DM): And just as you're thinking that-
Gordon (Petr): A dragon-
Alan (DM): Pokes its head around the corner.
Gordon (Petr): "Hi! We're just leaving!"

Gordon (Petr): How alarmed am I by this dragon?
Alan (DM): Well, you know a Great Dragon could absolutely wipe the floor with you, but this isn't a Great Dragon. It's one's grandkid or something.

Doc (Molokhai): Ugh, cocked die.
Alan (DM): How did you cock a die in a box?!

Doc (Molokhai): It's a special condition I like to call 'überfucked.'

Gordon (Petr): It just sounds kind of like a racist term.
Alan (DM): DiceChucker?
Doc (Molokhai): Knowing what I know about D&D, DiceChucker is probably a racial epithet for white folks.

Gordon (Petr): But he doesn't seem like he's going to die next round.
Alan (DM): No, he doesn't seem like he's going to die next round.
Doc (in stage whisper): He bought it, Gordon! Now we just need to kill him next round.

Doc (Molokhai): So if PC races are Namegivers, what are dragons?
Alan (DM): Dragons call themselves Namemakers, though that may just be them being pretentious. On the other hand, they eat powerful wizards as snacks, so they have some right to.

Doc (Molokhai): No, I was making an SQL joke; Alan made the null hypothesis joke. God, this is the dorkiest thing we've ever said, and we've said a lot of dorky things.

Alan (DM): He's been rolling ones and twos. If his attacks weren't miss-half, he would have accomplished nothing this fight.

Alan (DM): He tries to immolate Molokhai.
Doc (Molokhai): Of course he tries to immolate Molokhai.
Alan (DM): Well he's clearly a wizard, and the other spellcaster is clearly a sorcerer. Also he's an eladrin. He's the only way any of you are going to be able to teleport up there. But if the wizard's running around yelling "I'm on fire," he might not help his friends teleport. That's his plan.

Alan (DM): 30... 30 I-rolled-the-wrong-kind-of-die typed damage.

Doc (Molokhai): Dungeoneering 37. You don't suck any dick on your way through the Burning Caves.

Alan (DM): You can bypass chasms with impunity. You are chasm-proof.

Alan (DM): When I went to the store to buy a toolbox, they had a black-and-yellow one to appeal to boys and a black-and-pink one to appeal to girls. So I had to buy the black-and-pink one because I liked it better. I did it to subvert gender stereotypes.
Gordon (Petr): Like your genitalia?

Alan (DM): You're allowed to be petulant when you take 80% of your hit points in one attack.
Doc (Molokhai): More than that!

Alan (DM): You do get a +3.
Doc (Molokhai): 3? Really? I thought it was a +2.
Alan (DM): I have to remind you of that every session! It only happened 7 levels ago!

Gordon (Petr): When does the weakened end?
Doc (Molokhai): I thought you asked when does the weekend end.
Doc & János (singing): "Everybody's weakened for the weekend."

Alan (DM): These are swirling tendrils of elemental fire. It looks like fire in zero-gravity trying to audition for tentacle porn.
Gordon (Petr): Wow, I really didn't need that last part.
Doc (Molokhai): No, it really drove it home for me.
Gordon (Petr): Which orifice?

Gordon (Petr): We should go over and check the azer bodies.
Alan (impatiently): They're dead.
Doc (Molokhai): We weren't checking to see if they were alive!

Alan (DM): You keep using Sever the Source on people who die. You only got the extra damage on him once.
János (Tuzigoot): That's okay. It's more a way for me to decree "That one should die!"

Alan (DM): I hit you.
Doc (Molokhai): That's okay, Alan, we hate you too.

Gordon (Petr): Does Kraza move?
Alan (DM): No. I mean, he's an angry barbarian, so you really have to sell him on moving.

Doc (Molokhai): Our live target inventory consists of one guy?
Gordon (Petr): And he's a bard.

Alan (DM): I mean, the dragons say so, but what do they know?
Doc (Molokhai): Well, they can eat a guy and just shit out his bones.
Alan (DM): I'm sure he didn't just shit out bones, he shat out shit and someone had to... He didn't squat over the box and go "uuhhrrr" and shit out pure, clean bones.
Doc (Molokhai): Clearly I heard what I wanted to hear there.

Alan (DM): You don't have to do this; you could just leave.
Doc (Molokhai): Uhh, no we can't. Gordon is right there! There's a powerful magic item behind one door and we're right in front of it!


Gordon (Petr): What do you call the method of acting where you immerse-
Doc & János: Method Acting?!

Alan (DM): What is that printer doing?
Gordon (Petr): Masturbating... I am going to be making a lot of jokes about masturbating today, I'm just warning you in advance.

Alan (DM): The fight against the Water Lane Gang was short, but brutal.
Doc (Molokhai): Given that you say that about nearly every big encounter, I take it that our party subscribes to the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am method of combat.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): [Molokhai]'s not used to taking damage. Look at his frail, weak, pathetic body.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm starting to think this is the worst idea we've ever had.

Doc (Molokhai): That's what I've learned; you tell a number to Alan, Alan does math, then you have to tell him the number again.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I test it by sticking my hand in it and seeing how much it hurts.
Doc (Molokhai): Patrick, you weren't here for last session when the fact that you are resistant 10 fire didn't mean shit.

Doc (Molokhai): János, get ready with some buffing spells so you can rock me on the dais.

Doc (Molokhai): Gordon, that is the most... I'm not going to dignify that with a witticism.

Alan (DM): What you know about [the fire demon]: it probably sets you on fire five ways.

Alan (DM): The other guys are Bright Severers, which is a terrible name because I can't pronounce it.

Doc (Molokhai): This almost makes up for that terrible jizz crack earlier, Gordon.
János (Tuzigoot): There's jizz in Gordon's crack, what?
Doc (Molokhai): Look what you did, Gordon, look what you did!

Alan (DM): Molokhai, how does reflex 23 strike you?
Doc (Molokhai): Miss.
Alan (DM): How does reflex 38 strike you?
Gordon (Petr): It strikes him.

Alan (DM): He will totally blast his ally in the face, because he's spiky and mean.

Gordon (Petr): I didn't notice my computer wasn't plugged in, and it shut down.
Alan (DM): It noticed.

Alan (DM): That may in some way indicate how [the fire demon's] teleport works. He can only teleport adjacent to places that are on fire.
János (Tuzigoot): Now you're thinking with portals... on fire.

János (Tuzigoot): Most of the world's major peninsulas point south.
Gordon (Petr): Really! I wonder why that would be?
János (Tuzigoot): It has been explained by the Continental Drip Theory.
Doc (Molokhai): I like to think peninsulas are just nature's most flaccid penises. Geologically speaking.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I look like a shaggy wolverine.
Alan (DM): I think you look like a shaggy wolverine made of rock, on fire.

Doc (Molokhai): They're all on Minion Twitter, which is an established part of the D&D universe.
Gordon (Petr): Is it illegal to text during combat?

Alan (DM): The entrance to the vault is covered with a flagstone. If only you had an object to smash it with.
Doc (Molokhai): Patrick, be that object.
Alan (DM): You smash open the cover of the vault.
Doc (Molokhai): Destroying the delicate Fabergé eggs inside.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Of power.

Doc (Molokhai): I assume it's just a memento mori of how adventurers eventually retire. They're killed by other, more powerful adventurers who take their stuff. And so the circle of life continues in its beautiful mystery.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Yay, we're murder-hoboes!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Ooh, snap into a windling!

Alan (DM): This skill challenge might be kind of silly because I wasn't anticipating someone with a +27 intimidate.

Alan (DM): Then Kaalan steps into the corridor.
Gordon (Petr): Should we kill him now?
Alan (DM): Well, you're in a public place.
Gordon (Petr): That's never stopped us before.

Alan (DM): Make an intimidate check now!
János (Tuzigoot): Intimidate him into making an intimidate check.

Doc (Molokhai): Congratulations, [Patrick], for developing the one social skill you could ever competently need.

Alan (DM): You make it back to Bartertown before the Throalic army... because you ride on rocket steeds. You don't make it back before the news [of the army's defeat] because nothing in the universe is faster than bad news.


Gordon (Petr): I'm uncomfortable with this conversation.
Doc (Molokhai): You are not; you are so rock hard right now.

Alan (DM): You have returned to Icewing, having massively succeeded at your deliver-dragon-shit mission.
Doc (Molokhai): Having practically left the package in the guy's ass.

Doc (Molokhai): You changed your wireless signal, didn't you?
Alan (as if it's obvious): Yeah, Spacerocketlasers.
Doc (Molokhai): It didn't have 'monkeys' in it; how was I supposed to know?

Doc (Molokhai): It wasn't Pickett's Charge bad, it was more Shiloh bad.
Gordon (Petr): So you're going to use those references today.

Alan (DM): Updating Obsidian Portage.
Doc (Molokhai): Did you say Obsidian Porridge?
Alan (DM): Portage.
Doc (Molokhai): Good, because obsidian porridge would be awful!

Alan (DM): Someone make a nature check to identify them.
János (Tuzigoot): 31.
Alan (DM): That sounds promising. They are espagra.
Doc (Molokhai): Espagra? That sounds... like a pasta shape.
Gordon (Petr): A fearsome pasta shape, let's be clear.

János (Tuzigoot): How do you spell 'espagra,' by the way?
Alan (DM): E-S-P-A-G-R-A.
Gordon (Petr): You know, like it sounds.
János (Tuzigoot): I didn't expect it to be spelled like it sounds; this is Dungeons & Dragons for goodness' sake!

Alan (DM): We can share by each having our own, which is the American way of sharing.

Alan (DM): There's one left, and he's taking fire and poison damage and he's dazed. What the fuck is he going to do?
Doc (Molokhai): He can attempt to die with dignity as a standard action.

János (Tuzigoot): I waggle my schlong at him.
Alan (DM): You could throw a javelin.
János (Tuzigoot): What did I just tell you I was doing?

Alan (DM): Next you skirt the ancient kingdom of Ustrect.
Gordon (Petr): Why would I want to skirt that? It sounds awesome.

Alan (DM): This book tells me nothing about the Gray Forest, so we'll skip over that.
János (Tuzigoot): Some previous adventuring party already razed it.

Gordon (Petr): We don't want to settle it...
János (Tuzigoot): We want to unsettle it.

Alan (as a troll): "We've had peaceful relations with the goliaths of the Blackheart Liferock so far..."
Gordon (Petr): I keep hearing "Big Rock Candy Mountain" each time you say that.

Doc (Molokhai): Of course I think that; I'm one of the most cocksure wizards ever.

János (Tuzigoot): Hell of a way to insert a commando team, though.
Gordon (Petr): By traveling though a goliath liferock?
Alan (DM): That's an interesting idea, that maybe you could pass into the basement of the Triumph through the Ayoda liferock.
János (Tuzigoot): Just think of all the things we could hide in their bedrooms!
Doc (Molokhai): We could cause... dozens of minor scandals.

János (Tuzigoot): This [complicated room] is going to turn out to be a gravorg Habitrail or something.

Alan (DM): I tried to make these fights strange and interesting and I may have succeeded too well.


Gordon (Petr): They went back to them but took everything that was neat and awesome about them away.
Doc (Molokhai): Like what Robert Jordan does in every book.
Gordon (Petr): Really?
Doc (Molokhai): No, I just really don't like Robert Jordan.

Alan (DM): The first thing that happens is the barbed devils act.
Gordon (Petr): Act how? Do they act out? Are they emotionally disturbed?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Didn't they used to be called spinagons?
János (Tuzigoot): I feel like a spinagon should be a two-dimensional shape with spines.
Doc (Molokhai): Or a dinosaur. I could really go either way.

Gordon (Petr): What happens?
Alan (DM): It's complicated.
Doc (Molokhai): Well, simplify it in terms of hit points and armor class, bitch.

Gordon (Petr): I'm teaching my child addition and subtraction tables.
Alan (DM): It seems early for that.
Doc (Molokhai): It mostly consists of yelling out numbers while administering electrical shocks, so it becomes a matter of ingrained instinct underlain by severe emotional...
Alan (DM): She's still working on rolling over onto her stomach.
Gordon (Petr): Otherwise she'll turn out like János, who can move around but is incapable of surviving in the modern world.

Alan (DM): I was telling Nathan how the summer solstice has got my time sense all screwed up because it's staying light later. He said, 'but the summer solstice isn't for a month and a half,' so I said, 'but the summer solstice is SO powerful it's reaching back in time to fuck with me now.'

Alan (DM): Round four! This combat is taking forever!
Doc (Molokhai): Yeah, I said that an hour and a half ago.

János (Tuzigoot): You have to think a little metaphorically here.
Gordon (Petr): I don't like metaphors.
János (Tuzigoot): Is that why you asked me the other day what a disco stick was?

Doc (Molokhai): Swing encounter! Swing encounter!
János (Tuzigoot): A swinging encounter?
Doc (Molokhai): You know it. Unh!
Alan (DM): The one who looks like he's praying is a Marut Castigator.
Doc (Molokhai): That sounds too much like 'castrator' for Gordon not to chuckle.

Alan (DM): Gordon is thinking I wrote this encounter to piss him off.

János (Tuzigoot): Stop doing that with your mouth; you look like you're fellating the air.

Alan (DM): You teleport next to the Marut Prosecutor... and say 'this is my defense, bitch!'

Alan (DM): You can turn that lamp off, now that the sun is actually coming in.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): But I like wasting energy; it makes me an American!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking floating island!

Doc (Molokhai): So I got Obi-Wanned.

Alan (DM): (lays down map of floating island with magical features)
János (Tuzigoot): Not the dreaded purple trees!
Alan (DM): And sort of aquamarine trees.
János (Tuzigoot): Oh, those are fine.


Gordon (Petr): iplay4e changed as of June 30th.
Alan (DM): Is it better?
Gordon (Petr): That depends on what you think is better.
János (Tuzigoot): It's now a mail-order bride website.

Alan (DM): ...Ruins filled with black secrets that living creatures are not meant to see. The problem with it-
Gordon (Petr): You've already sold me on it; I don't care if there's a problem with it.

Gordon (Petr): I have told you about Skytoucher Mountain extensively.
Doc (Molokhai): That hasn't helped Gordon or I be any more mature about it.

Alan (DM): Tell me about your horses.
János (Tuzigoot): This one is called Starjingle and she...
Alan (DM): ...likes apples?
János (Tuzigoot): Sorry, I ran out of girly things I knew could be said about horses.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): (reading Alan's summaries of the PCs)
Gordon (Petr): I'm an "elementalist and aspiring deforester!"
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I'm a "Goliath warden with a chip on his shoulder. A chip that is ON FIRE." And Doc is an "aloof and bloodthirsty eladrin wizard."
Doc (Molokhai): Damn, that is spot-on!

Doc (Molokhai): If there's anything Greek mythology is, it's slash. 'I really want Zeus to get with this person, but I want him to be a goose.' Er, a swan.
Alan (DM): Rain of gold.
János (Tuzigoot): It must have been convenient, though, as an unmarried young woman in ancient Greece, to have these excuses to trot out if...
Alan (DM): 'Zeus must've been a black swan this time.'

Doc (Molokhai): It's gonna be like Settlers of Cataan only I get to kill bitches!
Gordon (Petr): That's how I play Settlers of Cataan.

Gordon (Petr): Do they look hostile?
Alan (DM): Well, the insignia on the side of their ship include skulls, bones, and an axe.

Alan (DM): No, not pictures; these are actual skulls, bones, and an axe.
Doc (Molokhai): So it looks like a Reaver ship.
Alan (DM): Yeah, but a bit better organized.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Swiss Reavers.

Alan (DM): They have a power I will not read because Gordon will make a joke about it.
Gordon (Petr): Come on!
Alan (DM): Crimson Streak.

János (Tuzigoot): Crimson Streak would be a great riotgrrl band name.

Gordon (Petr): Y'know, Patrick, it's okay if you're ragingly gay. We [others] went to Macalester; we're used to that.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You mean you went through that phase?

János (Tuzigoot): There's a blue marker on the floor.
Alan (DM): Oh, not that kind of marker.
János (Tuzigoot): I was trying not to say 'die,' okay?
Doc (Molokhai): Never say die!

Alan (DM): Wow, Gordon, this must be some kind of record.
Gordon (Petr): I'm sorry, I've just been around [my baby] so much; when I get away...
Alan (DM): As soon as you step out of the house, you're like "COOOOOCK!!!"

Alan (DM): Patrick, make a nature check.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I can, and will. (rolls) And have.

Doc (Molokhai): A planet where wraiths evolved from men?!

Alan (DM): That was a scary two rounds... Well, that's how lurkers run. They go BLAH! and you go AUGGHHHH! (mimes desperate weapon flailing) and they die.

Gordon (Petr): How is me standing up affecting you?
Doc (Molokhai): Just being closer to me makes me crasser. It's like the pull of the moon on the tides.

Alan (DM): You know what this building is? A gazebo.
Gordon (Petr): Can we kill it?
Alan (DM): It'll eat you.
Gordon (Petr): That's a risk you have to take with gazebos.

Alan (DM): They're beards. [The ork scorchers] appear to have been face-scalping dwarves.
Doc (Molokhai): That is a disgusting, racially motivated atrocity and I will not rest until all of their kind are erased from this earth.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): We need to retaliate by crotch-scalping all the ork women. So they can't breed anymore.


Patrick (Cro-Mag): We should be asking ourselves who stands to benefit by igniting a race war.
János (Tuzigoot): Who doesn't?!

János (Tuzigoot): We need more information. If we can find a way to kill people while getting more information, all the better.

Alan (DM): You don't have enough information to really know what's happening right now.
Doc (Molokhai): That's why I'd like to know more about what's happening right now.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I would love to hear from one of the less bloodthirsty people. Doc?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): What we need to do is fly low enough over them that our [flying] horses teabag 'em.

Doc (Molokhai): [Ork horses] were bred to keep their cool in battle and for their rich, delicate taste.

Alan (DM): These are all blood reavers.
Gordon (Petr): We know things about blood reavers.
Alan (DM): They hit you with axes, they cause you to bleed...
János (Tuzigoot): They reave blood...
Doc (Molokhai): Blood-blood-blood, blood-blood.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Let's kill one of them, subdue the others, and interrogate the dead one, which will, I imagine, scare the shit out of the others.

Alan (as Krathis Gron's assistant): "Due to my unusual skills..."
János (Tuzigoot): She has had me many times a night.

Alan (DM): There's a strange conga line of Rageborn Horrors heading down the mountain trying to kill each other.

Alan (DM): Although I do like the idea of Rageporn Whores. And when I say like, I don't mean in that way.
Doc (Molokhai): Yeah!
Gordon (Petr): Not in the way that Doc said enthusiastically 'Yeah!' to?

Doc (Molokhai): I'm still prone?!
Alan (DM): No, you stood up last round but no one heard you.

János (Tuzigoot): Don't expect a lot from this [Turn Undead]. It's not my specialty.
Gordon (Petr): I'm expecting precision, exactitude, and murderness.

Gordon (Petr): I'm not believing [the Ork adventuring party] came through here. Everything's still alive.
Doc (Molokhai): Clearly they were not completists.
János (Tuzigoot): They utterly fail to measure up to our high standards, so we must efface them from the earth.

Alan (DM): So when he got shot with that glowing radiant crap...
Gordon (Petr): That's what I do, girls.


Alan (DM): I guess I should mention there's a ghost dragon over there.

Alan (DM): Getting through to it so that you can have a rational conversation with it will be challenging.
János (Tuzigoot): Skill challenging?
Alan (DM): Of course it's a skill challenge.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): So we're dealing with an aggressively bipolar dragon?

Alan (DM): It may be that if you get her to accept the truth, she may disappear to wherever dead dragons go.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Wherever the hell they damn want to.

Alan (DM): You do not recognize this new emotion.
Doc (Molokhai): It must be love, or some other alien emotion.

Alan (DM): Nothing interesting happens in the room, it just gets darker and creepier.
Doc (Molokhai): Someone must have leaned against a dimmer switch.

Alan (DM): Then the ghost disappears.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Inside your body.
Alan (DM): No, it just kind of fades away.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Into your colon!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Berzerker's fu- fury.
János (Tuzigoot): The berzerker's furry feat.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Hah, that's you.

János (Tuzigoot): Most of what I know about Christianity is from listening to E Nomine.
Doc (Molokhai): I can't say you're doing it wrong; those are the most interesting parts of Christianity.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Dire wargs?
Alan (DM): Well, the first thing is: wargs are already dire, so dire wargs would be four times as big as these.

János (Tuzigoot): As long as they don't bathe in moon spunk, I'm good.

Alan (DM): It's just going to tear at Tuzigoot.
Doc (Molokhai): "I'm gonna rip you a new one, and your old one."


Alan (DM): I'm of the opinion that every fantasy name should be different from normal names, just so you can tell you're gaming.
Doc (Molokhai): And if that means apostrophes, so be it.

Alan (DM): It's kind of strange because it's a ritual book with the bulk of seven skulls connected by rope, which upon further inspection you think is braided human hair.
Doc (Molokhai): Yeah, yeah; I've checked books out of the library before.

Doc (Molokhai): I think we all learned something valuable as a lesson today, and it's all thanks to the local library.

Alan (DM): And I don't even have Cro-Mag's passive senses.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): 27.
Alan (DM): That's your passive insight?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Yeah.
Alan (DM): And your passive perception?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): 22.
Doc (Molokhai): What's your passive aggression?

Alan (DM): I wrote these encounters three levels ago, so I went in and increased them. It looks fine on paper, but I just don't feel like I'm hitting any of you. I could just start lying and say I hit.
Janos (Tuzigoot): That's what we do.

Alan (DM): The Steel Predator stands up — and it sounds so pathetic to says this — uses an action point to run away.

Doc (Molokhai): In pursuit of overkill, I Prismatic Burst the last remaining thing. Because it's an encounter power, and fuck it.

Alan (DM): Upon closer inspection, you realize the suits of armor are magic.
Janos (Tuzigoot): I just got new armor!
Alan (DM): Actually none of these are kinds of armor you care about.
Doc (Molokhai): This one, for example, is a kind of armor only worn by posers.

Alan (DM): [Harjarlifex] is wearing the least practical armor you've ever seen.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Clearly you would never invite him to a birthday party where there are a lot of balloons.

Alan (DM): So [Tuzigoot] and Harjalifax mix your blood together with the tears of a small child...
Doc (Molokhai): Gordon, you are so useful here!

Doc (Molokhai): Man, we now have the coolest resumes for the ancient world.

Doc (Molokhai): I did not know going to negotiate a contract would be this much fun, especially when it opens with him saying "I'm just going to try to kill you!"


Alan (DM): As you're winding up your shopping spree that will cause this town's economy to collapse in a few days...

Alan (as Omasu): I have heard of your exploits on behalf of the people of Barsaive.
Gordon (Petr): Did we do things on the behalf of Barsaive?
Doc (Molokhai): People perceive it that way.

Alan (DM): He was just saying how the sight of you on your Turbohorses was striking fear into the hearts of Therans everywhere.
Doc (Molokhai): It's funny, 'cause when you say it that way it makes us sounds like total wusses.

Alan (DM): As with most battlefields, what with the tragedy and suffering that took place there, Prajjor's Field is no longer a place that's pleasant to visit.
János (Tuzigoot): It's a national park site?

János (on the quest to retrieve Thystonius's blood): Well, we generally only collect the bodily fluids of children.

Alan (DM): You notice a form crouched in the undergrowth over there.
Gordon (Petr): I like forms.
János (Tuzigoot): I like crouching.
Doc (Molokhai): I like undergrowth.
Gordon (Petr): Good, we've got all our bases covered.

Gordon (Petr): These [rakshasa] really need to buy left-handed scissors, that's all I'm sayin'.

Gordon (getting beads to mark Doc's spell effect on the map): Let me get it out for you; I know where you want to put it.

Alan (DM): She's going to throw a Mindburn at Molokhai.
Gordon (Petr): That sounds like some sort of email address.
Alan (DM): Mindburn@molokhai.com.

Alan (DM): Ravanni the Rakshasa was wearing a magical torque which none of you noticed.
János (Tuzigoot): We were distracted by her other...
Alan (DM): Yes, you were distracted by her chainmail platinum bikini, which I have a value for.
Doc (Molokhai): Does it have a magical property?
Alan (DM): No.
Doc (Molokhai): That seems completely unrealistic, Alan!

Alan (DM): Yeah, a 39 smacks [the girallon] around like a red-headed stepchild who's 12 feet tall and has six arms.

Alan (DM): The Leechwalker is up.
János (Tuzigoot): Leechwalker, Texas Ranger.

Gordon (Petr): We're not using the purple one.
Alan (DM): I thought someone pulled it out and was using it because they're a fucker.

Gordon (Petr): Why are you getting off your horse? Dismounting takes a move action.
Alan (DM): No, he's teleporting.
Doc (Molokhai): I don't use my feet anymore for anything.

Gordon (Petr): The mindflayer did 8 damage? I volunteer to sit out this fight 'cause I'm worried I overbalance it for the other team.


Alan (DM): This is our setup [to allow Gordon to game remotely]. Of course, if Patrick needs a laptop we're in trouble.
Doc (Molokhai): I have an extra laptop.
Alan (DM): You brought two laptops?
Doc (Molokhai): I brought three. I didn't do that on purpose, but here we are.

Alan (DM): Patrick, is that another new device?
János (Tuzigoot): Are you doing the Time Warp again?

Alan (DM): I think we're close to the point where we actually start gaming.
Doc (Molokhai): No.
Alan (DM): Doc is still booting one of his six computers.
Doc (Molokhai): No, I'm booting operating system number 4 on computer 2.

Alan (DM): Well Doc's laptop is presumably going on top of Patrick's laptop. My God, we're going to be techie rednecks!

Alan (DM): This is not going to be a blazing session that we're going to get through five combats.

Computer: *Ping*
Alan (DM): Which of the seven computers in here was that?

Alan (DM): When Torment Parasites bite you it causes Exquisite Pain.
János (Tuzigoot): That sounds like a cologne.
Doc (Molokhai): Or a goth band.

Alan (DM): Torment Parasite 5 attempts to Tragic Bite Petr. It has an attack called Tragic Bite.
János (Tuzigoot): Wow, they really are goth.

Alan (DM): Now the main swarm Vomits Agony.

Alan (DM): Those of you who remain in the zone, by which I mean Patrick, take... math.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): No, not math!

Gordon (Petr): I put a blowy-uppy explodey thing there.

Alan (DM): That kills the swarm. Only one Torment Parasite remains.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "My 10,000 brethren; I will avenge you!"
Alan (DM): It flees to become your nemesis?
Gordon (Petr): Your nemesis is a minion? You guys are lame.

Gordon (Petr): I don't celebrate Halloween, you know that.
Doc (Molokhai): He doesn't like how it's become so commercialized. I mean, we don't even sacrifice virgins in the square to guarantee a good harvest any more.

Alan (DM): Zombie... no, zombie don't do that.
János (Tuzigoot): Zombie don't play that game.

Alan (DM): Doc, there's a zombie trying to eat your head. (*Singing*) Eat your hea-ead, eat your hea-ea-ea-ead, zombie, zombie...

Gordon (Petr): Someone's phone is ringing.
János (Tuzigoot): [My girlfriend] is texting me about how bored she is, 'cause I took the laptop. I'm pointing out that she hasn't done any of the things she promised she'd do today.
Gordon (Petr): János, you should Sever soon.
János (Tuzigoot): Are you giving me relationship advice or gaming advice?
Gordon (Petr): Who's up?
Alan (DM): I'm cleaning up some minions who aren't.

Alan (DM): The necromancer stands up, then he whispers a Grave Word.
János (Tuzigoot): (*whispering*) Antiquing.


Patrick (Cro-Mag): We didn't want your stupid torc. We're more interested in horsepower, anyway.

Alan (as Rathenn): The Keepers of Trust are stirring to action.
János (Tuzigoot): So a league of evil bankers?

Gordon (Petr): What do we need to know about falling off an airship?
János (Tuzigoot): Don't do it.
Alan (DM): It's a long way down.

Alan (DM): Then there's a Horrid Bear, which dissolves you with acid while it bear hugs you.

Alan (DM): He's Coldy McColdster from the clan Cold.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Really? Those markings seem to indicate he's from the clan Brr.

Alan (DM): The Felljaw's up first.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Bring it, Felchy.

Gordon (Petr): I Primordial Storm the Storm Crow.
Alan (DM): It really feels like they should resist that, doesn't it? But they don't.

Alan (DM): And a bolt of energy travels down the silk and deals you 15 points of lightning damage, most of which you resist, and giving you a -2 penalty to attack rolls, because, I guess, all of your hair is standing up, which, for [Tuzigoot], is a lot of hair.

Alan (DM): The Storm Crow is badly bloodied, as János was effectively throwing swords at it this round.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I guess he had a glass jaw.
Alan (DM): You did 90 points of damage to him!

Alan (DM): Cro-Mag doesn't eat with his hammer. He doesn't hit the table with his hammer so the food flies up into his mouth.

Alan (DM): This ring is the Golden Ring of Teros.
Gordon (Petr): Terrance?

Alan (DM): There's also a Creonna Jackalman on board. Jackalmen believe that if they slay an enemy in battle they have to eat the corpse in order for him to get to his fated afterlife.
Gordon (Petr): What's his role on board? The cook?

Gordon (Petr): Is he a half Blood Elf?
Alan (DM): There are no half Blood Elves.
János (Tuzigoot): For very obvious and pointed reasons.

Alan (DM): I've realized I can't use expressive language in this game without it coming across as sexual, so I've decided to simply embrace that. Embrace that and kiss it all over its body.

Alan (DM): 46 vs AC? He dies.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): But I want to tell you a big number!


Gordon (Petr): We nuke it from orbit.
Alan (DM): You have no nukes and don't know what orbit is.

Alan (DM): I should mention the Therans have lots of airships, so this whole presumption that you have things that fly and are therefore superior is significantly flawed. "We'll drop heavy objects on them from above." They have heavier things higher up. They're the ones that nuke from orbit.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Then we'll scuttle their ships from below!

Alan (DM): Do any of you speak Theran?
Gordon (Petr): I used to.
Alan (DM): What do you mean you used to?
Gordon (Petr): I used to have a gem that allowed me to speak Theran.
Alan (DM): What happened to it?
Gordon (Petr): I think I sold it.
Alan (DM): Why would you sell that?
János (Tuzigoot): Well, we went to war with Thera and assumed we'd never need it again.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): It makes it easier to ignore their pleas for mercy.

Alan (DM): Those of you who are better educated can stammer out traveler-Theran. "Where is the bathroom?" "I can eat broken glass and it doesn't hurt me."

Alan (DM): You get a danger and an opportunity. You can either walk down a quiet alley with an apothecary, or get stuck in the middle of a gang fight.
János (Tuzigoot): Uhh, let's think about this really carefully.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I don't know, do we need to level?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): We'll do that on the way out.
Alan (DM): Yes, fleeing a secret lab having broken out a prisoner is so much more leisurely than breaking in.


Gordon (Petr): There's this man named János who's a real douchebag.
János (Tuzigoot): Yeah, I should probably stop referring to Aardelea as 'jailbait cocktease.'

Alan (DM): You guys are treating this [portcullis] as a far larger obstacle than I was. I'm surprised you're spending more than 15 seconds on it.

Alan (DM): That chair is in fact the cheapest chair-like object it is possible to purchase at Target.

Doc (Molokhai): Oh my god, it's a chain golem?
Gordon (Petr): That's not a chain golem, it's... (*examines artwork* a black licorice golem.

Alan (DM): So falling into the pit onto rusty chains causes 2 points of damage and tetanus.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): It's good to have you here in person, [Gordon]; the maturity level was way too high without you.

Doc (Molokhai): "Good news, everyone; you're delivering this many-tentacled horror to Hentai, the Japanese schoolgirl planet."

Alan (DM): His vision has been ruined. He read in dim lit for too long...

Alan (DM): He reaps creatures that defy his mark.
János (Tuzigoot): So he doesn't reap what he sows?
Alan (DM): He reaps what he slams.

Gordon (Petr): It can move through occupied squares? That's so... Jewish.

Gordon (Petr): You guys bring out the racist.
Doc (Molokhai): No we don't!
Gordon (Petr): I'm not like this when I'm alone!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Know what I just learned, János? 'János' is Hungarian for 'John.'
János (Tuzigoot): Yes. In Hungary I'm just another John.

Alan (DM): Patrick started his turn in the aura and was hit by a smoke tentacle, which is smoky and tentacley-
Doc (Molokhai): I prefer 'tentacular.'
Doc (Molokhai): Oh, for this to make any sense I need to move... here.
Gordon (Petr): Do you walk there or teleport there.
Doc (Molokhai): Teleport.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "I don't walk; walking is so... pedestrian."

Alan (DM): Then you're in a stepwell, and dear God I would not write a stepwell into the game without setting a combat in it.

Doc (Molokhai): Is it clean enough to throw up in?


Alan (DM): There, that's a good map of somewhere you don't know you're going yet.

Doc (Molokhai): Those guards died in so many ways.
Alan (DM): Two of them got away!
János (Tuzigoot): Simply adding to the variety of their ultimate demises.
Alan (DM): This one will die forty years from now in bed with his loving wife.
Doc (Molokhai): The other one will die in two years from testicular cancer.
Alan (DM): The rest of them exploded. Actually, Doc, you magic missiled one while he was trying to swim away.

Alan (DM): You're slowly beating your way up the coast. You have a lot of downtime-
János (Tuzigoot): Hence our "beating" up the coast.
Alan (DM): You tack downwind and beat into the wind.
János (Tuzigoot): Don't beat into the wind.

Alan (DM): So if you don't have any particular plans-
János (Tuzigoot): Scrimshaw; lots of scrimshaw.

Gordon (Petr): I didn't think of us as bad people, but when Alan tells it we sound really bad.
Doc (Molokhai): You can't make omelets without committing genocide.

Gordon (Petr): Where were we before I started being stupid?
Doc (Molokhai): A couple of years ago we were starting an Earthdawn game...

Gordon (Petr): The villagers went back to Honto?
Alan (DM): They were going to rebuild. They have the technology. Which is to stack rocks on top of each other... and thatch things.

Doc (Molokhai): I have to point out that it took us until epic level before not having enough fresh water was ever an issue.

Alan (DM): The last [dire parrot] hops off into the ferns.
Doc (Molokhai): I magic missile it.
Gordon (Petr): You're such a dick! They're an endangered species!
Doc (Molokhai): They are now.

Gordon (Petr): Should we rotate the map 90 degrees and use it again?

Alan (DM): After a few more minutes you come to a burbling brook.
Gordon (Petr): We test to see if it's poisoned by drinking from it.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): 39 Nature check to see if the water is safe.
Alan (DM): It doesn't seem unusually poisonous.

Alan (DM): Unfortunately you don't have a way to carry back several hundred pounds of it.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): How much water can we carry back in our bladders?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): You know why there aren't any dire animals anymore?
Alan (DM): Because they're too delicious.

Doc (Molokhai): I'd like to point out that "Turbohorse" would be a much better first album than name.

Alan (DM): You take 53 points of damage.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm not bloodied... by one hit point.

Alan (DM): 32 damage.
Doc (Molokhai): Well, I'm bloodied now, because that's more than 1.

Doc (Molokhai): Can't there be some sort of liminal apocalyptic state, which Earthdawn clearly is?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Can we ask Aardalea, since she can see things where she wasn't present?
Alan (DM): Aardelea says she wasn't looking then. She doesn't like to look because it makes people scared. But, she adds, what you do in your cabin at night is wrong and shameful. Though she is curious about some of the anatomical curiosities.

János (Tuzigoot): I am confident that every D&D world has at least thirty people who claim to be "the Mistress of Shadows" at any given time.

Doc (Molokhai): I totally want to make one of my I'm-a-Viking checks.


Alan (DM): (Holding up gaming mat) The kinks just disappeared.
János (Tuzigoot): My kinks won't just disappear.
Alan (DM): What?
János (Tuzigoot): (*Shakes head*) Just move on.

János (Tuzigoot): So someone coaching volleyball at a rec center recognized me by name and I have no idea who she was.
Doc (Molokhai): Well, you are a registered sex offender, so she might have known you from that.

Alan (DM): So you're on an airship sailing across the sky-
Gordon (Petr): We're still low on food.
Alan (DM): No.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Why do you think we went back for the corpse?

Alan (DM): You hear the distinctive sound of the drums beating to quarters.
János (Tuzigoot): Also known as 'get a room!'
Gordon (Petr): You're a pervert!
Alan (DM): Everyone's running around and pulling on things.

Alan (DM): That [shot] was murderous among the crew... Some of them are killed outright.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): How long a conversation do you get with Speak with Dead?
János (Tuzigoot): "Teach me your job!"

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I crit the rigging... If there's one thing I know, it's cordage. The reason you never see goliath children is because [goliath reproduction] requires very elaborate bondage rituals.

Alan (DM): Are you trying to figure out if you can solve this problem with a stupid ritual?

Doc (Molokhai): Or Phantom Steed, which lets us fly and not leave tracks, and are exactly like the speeder bikes in Return of the Jedi except they happen to be horse-shaped.

Gordon (Petr): As a Minnesotan who thinks Reconstruction should never have ended and we should still be aggressively dominating the South-
János (Tuzigoot): To take a mainstream view.

Alan (Failing to find more accurate counter art): So Aardelea is a halfling with a spear.
Gordon (Petr): A catatonic halfling with a spear. We put her in a bush.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Better than putting a spear in her bush.

Gordon (Petr): You didn't tell us about the other dudes.
Alan (DM): I tried to but you were telling too many dirty jokes.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): That hits her?
Alan (DM): Aardelea, who may be the most bad-ass eight-year-old you've ever met, is not 21st level.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Are you a cheese-eating surrender monkey?
Gordon (Petr): I've never understood why people call the French that.
Alan (DM): It sounds good.
Doc (Molokhai): It doesn't have to make sense if it sounds good.
Gordon (Petr): I'm fine with that as long as we badmouth the South too.
Alan (DM): Grits-eating secession monkeys.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I attack Goldie, Goldie Hawn.
Doc (Molokhai): (singing) Carry on my wayward son...
János (Tuzigoot): Why did you just start singing that?
Doc (Molokhai): 'Cause it rhymes with "Goldie Hawn" if you don't think about it very much.

Gordon (Petr): Aardelea really needs to get used to seeing violent death around her.
Alan (DM): She needs to get over her skittishness about casual murder?

Doc (Before saying something funny): Gordon, don't drink right now.

Gordon (Petr): Sunrods aren't stupid!
Alan (DM): Yes they are! "Let's invent an elaborate and complicated light system and then introduce a 10gp item that negates it."

Alan (DM): Icewing says "I see you have brought Aardelea. I will-
János (Tuzigoot): "Bill you for her therapy sessions."

Doc (Molokhai): I want hot, hot geopolitical implications.

Doc (Molokhai): I like how none of these [quest] options are "Disguise yourselves as Theran commandos and kill all of their firstborn children."
Alan (DM): They give those jobs to other people.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): People with less moral principles than us.
Everyone: Wow.


Alan (DM): So [Niemar Firewalker's] clan switched from worshipping Thystonius to Upandal.
Doc (Molokhai): So they told Thystonius to suck it, and verily he did suck it.

Alan (DM): I should establish, experiencing events this way is entirely incompatible with rocket horses.

Alan (DM): This is a wizard's lab that you've borrowed to upgrade an item.
Doc (Molokhai): "Borrowed" as in he's in a shallow grave just outside town?
Alan (DM): No! "Borrowed" as in "politely asked."
János (Tuzigoot): You don't know us at all.

Alan (DM): The first thing that alerts you that there may about to be violence-
János (Tuzigoot): Is we all walked into a room.
Doc (Molokhai): Is we're all sitting around a table ready to game.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): (menacingly) Go fish!
Doc (Molokhai): *spellcasting noise*

Doc (Molokhai): Well, you know wizards; they love to hang out in the rough part of town.

Gordon (Petr): Woo-hoo, I'm resistant to force today! That's not going to be useful.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): You're resistant to forests?
Gordon (Petr): Yeah, wood products are useless against me.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): We should head to Blood Wood.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I walk over to him, I mark him, and then I second wind.

Gordon (Petr): We have Skyseeker, but they don't...
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Validate parking.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): 48 vs AC.
Gordon (Petr): That's a big number!
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Well, he is granting combat advantage.

Doc (Molokhai): I had a plan for what I would do before I was assaulted with massive volumes of exposition.

Doc (Molokhai): Guess what I'm going to do with him.
Alan (DM): I have no idea, but I'm going to guess it rhymes with "smidgens of bruin."

Alan (DM): This encounter is just weird.
Doc (Molokhai): That's why I cast visions of ruin.
Alan (DM): That's not what's making things weird.
Doc (Molokhai): No, it just keeps weird on the pile.

János (Tuzigoot): A vision of ruin to a creature like the Voice of the Storm would probably be sunny meadows covered in wildflowers.
Doc (Molokhai): Puppies made of candy. Gay marriage and single mothers as far as the eye can see.

Alan (DM): An ironmonger specifically goes around buying scrap iron to sell to smelters. They had carts and went around buying broken pots, back when people had cast-iron pots.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): But a fishmonger doesn't go around buying scrap fish.
Alan (DM): That's because an ironmonger and a fishmonger have different jobs.
János (Tuzigoot): Besides, a whoremonger doesn't go around buying broken- oh, wait.

Alan (DM): Forging this weapon is easier the more magic you're willing to put into it... If you make it as a +6 weapon, well, I guess Patrick can tank anything, but...

Doc (Molokhai): I can't find the [Eberron quote] about genocide... I know, I bet it's under "ethnic cleansing."


Alan (DM): Since I'm not running adventures directly out of the book, I miss the overblown block text like "You are extremely tired, but happy, but sad..." that attempts to fill in your emotional state.
Doc (Molokhai): "You are filled with a mixture of ennui and lactic acid buildup."

Alan (DM): Every troll knows the legend that any blood spilled on the soil brings Barsaive closer to Death being freed.
Doc (Molokhai): So they lay down tarps before every major battle?

Alan (DM): All the trollmoots are gathering. There's also a representative from Throal, and you are there representing the dragons. Basically your job is to look impressive.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): *Mimes unzipping his fly*

Alan (DM): You were basically hired to bring a veneer of neutrality.
Doc (Molokhai): That's what we're good at; we're good at bringing thin veneers of something.

Gordon (Petr): Hold on, I'm trying to figure out what useless resistance I have today.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "I am resistant to metal penetrating my body."
Gordon (Petr): That would be useful. I'm figuring out my useless resistance.
Doc (Molokhai): "I am resistant to the psychic attacks of squirrels." "Psychic squirrels?" "No, psychic attacks by regular squirrels."

Alan (DM): Make a nature check to know what they are.
Gordon (Petr): 22... You said make a nature check, not succeed at one.

Gordon (Petr): 28 is our high roll.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): The high mountain air is affecting our ability.

Alan (DM): Death giants get to roll to see what they know about adventurers.
Gordon (Petr): Adventurers sometimes die.
János (Tuzigoot): No they don't; that's a myth. A story out of the age of legends, by which we mean previous editions.

János (Tuzigoot): It's almost sundown, so we can blow dailies, guys.
Doc (Molokhai): (Long pause) Oh, dailies!

Gordon (Petr): Was that remarkably unexciting for a first round?
Alan (DM): You didn't attack 7 times!
Gordon (Petr): I know; they're 20 squares away.

Gordon (Petr): D is for Dexterity.
Alan (DM): You could write a series of gaming-related popular mystery novels.
Doc (Molokhai): S is for...
Gordon (Petr): M.
János (Tuzigoot): S is for M?

Alan (DM): They're Death Giants; they have no illusions about how others see them. They didn't name themselves Death Giants.

Gordon (Petr): They didn't bring their A-game. They don't want this. Are there any more sports metaphors we can trot out?
János (Tuzigoot): It's time to bring their game up to the next level. That actually makes more sense than in sports.

Gordon (Petr): I'd like to say we did something to make this combat so... relaxed for us, but...

Alan (as Balik Gur): "You killed my brothers because of a misunderstanding?!"
Doc (Molokhai): "That's part of what makes it a misunderstanding. Look, totally our bad, no one's arguing about that."

Gordon (Petr): János and Patrick, what is your Nature?
János (Tuzigoot): Violent.

Alan (DM): With a 49 history you get to know about things no one has ever seen before.
Doc (Molokhai): Yep, pretty sure I remember reading a pamphlet about that at the dentist's office.

Doc (Molokhai): This is the worst skill challenge ever; the one that's all combat!

Alan (DM): This fight may take a while.
Doc (Molokhai): No shit.
Gordon (Petr): Settle in, kiddies.

Gordon (Petr): You know how we've been saying we've been having an easy time with combats?
Alan (DM): Yes, I know! This ends now!

Doc (Molokhai): "He spits meteor storms at the following corners of the map..."

Alan (DM): The Herald of Death attacks the Aspect of Raggok.
Everyone: What?
Alan (DM): Apparently they're not on the same side.
Doc (Molokhai): The other's on the side of fuck-you-living-things.

Doc (Molokhai): I'd like to point out I've paid 4 bills since this combat started.

Alan (DM): Oh, he's right next to a bloodied guy. He's totally going to Reap the Whirlwind. *rolls* All right, he totally reaps that man's whirlwind.

Alan (DM): Thank you for coming over. Thank you for putting up with my ridiculous fight.
Doc (Molokhai): It was fun.
Alan (DM): It's only half over.


Gordon (Petr): "Pays a living wage for a family of four." That would be a great filter [for job listing sites].
Alan (DM): Is there something you're not telling us?
Gordon (Petr): That's just a standard measure.
Alan (DM): Or are you claiming each of your cats counts as half a child?
Gordon (Petr): They do cost as much.

Alan (DM): He saves against being obnoxified.

Alan (DM): He is very badly hurt. No one should be making elaborate plans to hurt him more than once in order to kill him.

Doc (Molokhai): I saw you hung out with Nikki yesterday.
Gordon (Petr): Tried to; it didn't work out.
János (Tuzigoot): Much like the relationship.

Alan (DM): Rockhorn doesn't have a lot he can do when he's backed into a wall like that.
János (Tuzigoot): Apparently everybody puts Rockhorn in the corner.

Doc (Molokhai): So Alan has come up with some reason; we'll just have to live with it.
János (Tuzigoot): I can't, I just can't live with it! *mimes suicide*
Doc (Molokhai): Fine. Patrick, start writing down quotes. Gordon, go through János's pockets; he must have something worthwhile.

Alan (DM): Ironmonger's up.
Doc (Molokhai): The shitty Iron Man villain?
Alan (DM): No, not the shitty Iron Man villain.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Alan's up?

Doc (Molokhai): Mexico has turned into a Saw film.

Alan (DM): The only way I imagine I could ever wear [Google Glasses] and retain my self-respect would be to strap a laser pointer to them and call myself Locutus of Borg.

Alan (DM): Then the ground starts shaking in that foreboding way.
János (Tuzigoot): Well, really the camera starts shaking.
Alan (DM): Thank God we don't have an effects budget.

Alan (DM): He goes over here 20 feet in the air and decrees that Cro-Mag should die.
János (Tuzigoot): That's been decreed before.

Alan (DM): I'd like to point out that these minions are the least minion-like minions you've ever fought.

Alan (DM): He hits himself with lightning too, but doesn't take any damage.
Doc (Molokhai): "This armor's up to code, bi-yotch!"

Gordon (Petr): My brain says one thing and my mouth says the same thing, only I don't really want to say that out loud.

Doc (Molokhai): I've decided to post important life news to only one of five social media platforms.
Alan (DM): And you chose Twitter?!

Alan (DM): I thought his scythe wasn't all that hot, then I looked at the damage it does.
Gordon (Petr): It does a fuck-ton?
János (Tuzigoot): You lose 1d4 limbs.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): That does just bloody me. Good, now I can hit him back at full strength.

Alan (DM): Make a religion check to determine how hard a religion check is.

Gordon (Petr): That was really, really a letdown. We didn't even roll dice to kill Death.

Alan (DM): The funny thing is Death isn't worth all that much experience.

Alan (DM): I don't think Gordon says the first thing he thinks of, he says the worst thing he thinks of.

Doc (Molokhai): We're like the Mop 'n Glow of genocide.

Doc (Molokhai): Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, a holiday for a lot of people who aren't us.
Gordon (Petr): No, it's a holiday for a lot of white people too. It's an excuse to drink.
Doc (Molokhai): Right, it's a holiday for white people who drink, who aren't us.


Alan (DM): You hear the sound of horses.
Doc (Molokhai): Hear that, guys? Happy Meals, coming our way.

Alan (DM): The first time it enters an enemy space, they fucked, yo. That's how the power actually reads.
Gordon (Petr): Does it actually include the "they fucked, yo" part?
Doc (Molokhai): More importantly, has the "they fucked, yo" part been errata-ed?

Alan (DM): Just for clarification, Doc, you're leaving the people completely out of this attack?
János (Tuzigoot): The horses are the ones doing all the damage!

Alan (DM): One of them is an adulterous horse/rider relationship.

Alan (DM): The rider reaches down and grabs the Standard of Glorious Battle, then rides away.
János (Tuzigoot): Yay! We got rid of the Standard!

Alan (DM): These horses are blood-mad and frenzied. Without the influence of their blood-crazed ork handlers, they're just going to attack everything that moves.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm assuming the sarcasm was ladled on with both hands there.

Alan (DM): And now we're going to break because I have a new adventure to write.

Gordon (Petr): We'll add [the ork tribe] to the Raze list.

Alan (DM): It was getting harder and harder to write an encounter to take [the Standard] without accidentally murdering you guys.

Gordon (Petr): You didn't tell us we could change the color and pattern at will!
Alan (DM): Yes I did. I mentioned that the Standard changed to show a rockethorse with flames coming out of its ass.
Doc (Molokhai): But you didn't tell us we could just think about it to add a giant cock on the horse crushing people ahead of it. Dragging balls the size of a gas station...

Alan (DM): You're in the City of Thieves. Everyone here is an aspiring thief. This means even your waiter is an aspiring thief. It's like L.A. but with thieves. They don't each have a screenplay, though; you have a screenplay and they try to steal it.


Doc (Molokhai): We're not in the middle of an encounter, right?
Alan (DM): No, we're not in the middle of an encounter.
János (Tuzigoot): We're in the upper left-hand corner of an encounter.

Alan (DM): Can anyone summarize what happened last session.
János (Tuzigoot): We fought orks on horses and they stole the Standard of Glorious Battle, and there was much rejoicing.
Doc (Molokhai): They freed us from the burden of glorious conquest.

Alan (DM): To be clear, it wasn't the orks who were the scary part of that fight.
János (Tuzigoot): It was their horses.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I will disagree for the sake of disagreement.
Doc (Molokhai): Good. We wouldn't want an outside observer thinking we get along in any way.

Doc (Molokhai): What's my move when I'm not teleporting?

Alan (DM): This wasn't a fight; this was a skill challenge with monsters.

Alan (DM): You see a figure striding toward you through the haze.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Is it sparkly or sucking in light.
Alan (DM): What?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Is it sparkly like a deity or sucking in the light like Death?
Alan (DM): Well it's not Death. In fact you saw Death just three or four days ago. You're all like "We've killed Death itself, but horses... oh, no..."

Alan (DM): The difference between Passions and gods is that Passions are corporeal beings you actually have to get around to different places. So remember, when he does that, it's like how Batman does it, not like how Jesus does it.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): We'll enter the breach.
Doc (Molokhai): Once more?
János (Tuzigoot): "You've been here before?!"

Alan (DM): The soldiers will attack you with their... combat probes.
Doc (Molokhai): Seriously, Alan, gay it up a little more.

Alan (DM): First the Drone Integrator fires targeting gel at you.


Patrick (Cro-Mag): Does your phone save it as a .tif file, because then it's not legally admissable.
Alan (DM): What?
Doc (Molokhai): What? I was with you up until Alan said 'what?', which is when I realized I should say 'what'.

Doc (Molokhai): This sounds internet-true. Is there any way you can tell me this is more than internet-true?

Alan (DM): You lied to me.
Doc (Molokhai): I wasn't so much lying as I was incapable of remembering the truth.

Doc (Molokhai): Strangely enough I was not talking about a giant minotaur penis at just this moment.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Actually, yes you were.

János (Tuzigoot): The more you talk about how little you're discussing cocks, the less right you are.

Alan (DM): Hey, Patrick, you're being seige-flailed upon.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Bring it.
Alan (DM): Consider it brought. 47 vs AC.

Alan (DM): Anyway, we are still playing a game here, at least theoretically. I have to say, even though Gordon is incredibly distracting, he somehow keeps us on task better.

Alan (DM): My concept for this combat was going to be forklift jousting, but with fantasy forklifts.


Alan (DM): Remember, your goal is not to kill everything on this map. Your goal is to get all the slaves away.
Gordon (Petr): Your words hurt my brain.

Gordon (playing the Google Image Search porn game): Why am I not seeing this?
János: (Tuzigoot): Are you logged into Google? Because your results will be personalized.
Alan (DM): That means it should bring porn up faster, if it's learned anything about Gordon.

Gordon (Petr): Please, Patrick, hit something, or I swear to God we will never stop talking about strange sexual predilictions.

Alan (DM): Doc, you are being charg-ed at forty-two versus for-tee-tude.

Gordon (Petr): This sounds like a terrible idea.
Alan (DM): Yes, but it's a terrible idea that should happen.

Gordon (Petr): His kicks deal lightning and thunder damage?
Alan (DM): It's a storm of kicks coming lightning fast. Monks attack you with analogies.

Doc (Molokhai): Can I have [a soda]?
Alan (DM): They might not be cold.
Doc (Molokhai): Eh.
János (Tuzigoot): 'They still have caffeine in them, right?'

Alan (DM): Four slaves flee, or at least disappear into your arcane gate.
János (Tuzigoot): Disappear into our whirling, centrifugal slave-grinder...

Alan (DM): Were you smelling my floor?
Gordon (Petr): I'm just confirming that János is not suffering auditory hallucinations.
Alan (DM): No, you just confirmed that the whirring of the laptop fan is not an auditory hallucination. The chinchilla telling him to kill people; that's God.

Doc (Molokhai): Roll an awesome diplomacy check; become their new god. I need you to C-3PO this shit as fast as possible!

Alan (DM): Cro-Mag, the cenobite wraps his chains around your body.
János (Tuzigoot): Do the words 'dream come true' ring a bell?
Doc (Molokhai): 'Dear diary: jackpot!'

Doc (Molokhai): Because keys are shiny metal penises. Just like guns.
Gordon (Petr): No, you should never stick a gun in a vagina. Keys maybe, but not guns, not ever!
Alan (DM): Thank you, Gordon, for that unneccessary advice.
János (Tuzigoot): It was more the emphasis that was unnecessary.
Gordon (Petr): Don't you have a binary method for...?
Alan (DM): So you're saying there's a game like Shiv/Not a Shiv but it's Goes in a Vagina/Doesn't Go in a Vagina? And now I can't look anywhere without playing it!?

János (Tuzigoot): The ork philosophy of war is 'either come home with your horse or on it.'

Alan (DM): So why isn't Harry Potter urban fantasy?
Doc (Molokhai): Because there isn't any fucking.

Gordon (Petr): Should we fly rather than travel overland?
Alan (DM): Well, scary things lurk in the sky of Barsaive.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Like rocs.
Alan (DM): But then scary things lurk on the ground in Barsaive.
János (Tuzigoot): Like rocks.

Alan (DM): Don't ask me rules; I'm not some arbiter of rules you can demand things from.
Gordon (Petr): János is writing that down?
János (Tuzigoot): I can always edit later if it doesn't hold up. Don't panic.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Fuck you, I wanna fucking panic!

Doc (Molokhai): I'm asking because you're kind of a sarcastic asshole and I couldn't tell which part you really meant.

Alan (DM): To board it will mean leaping through windows.
Gordon (Petr): We live for that.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm always up for reverse defenestrating.
Alan (DM): Isn't that just 'fenestrating?'
Doc (Molokhai): No, I like to think that is the act of putting up windows.


Alan (DM): I was going to draw a map.
Gordon (Petr): Then we distracted you.
Doc (Molokhai): We distracted you with like eight things you love.

Alan (DM): Though I did blow everyone's mind at work with 'octopodes.'
Doc (Molokhai): It's the right plural.
Gordon (argumentatively): Language is a dynamic system-
Doc (Molokhai): It is correct and right. It is morally superior to 'octopi.'

Alan (DM): You open the door, revealing a scene.
Gordon (Petr): A scene of man/beast love.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Gutter trolls.
Doc (Molokhai): Who's trying for their racism merit badge today? I mean, damn.

Patrick (apropos of absolutely nothing): I wonder if there's a cheese-curd-of-the-month club.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm getting my eyes lasered in December.
Alan (DM): December?! I can do that for you right now!
Doc (Molokhai): Lasered to improve my visual acuity!
Alan (DM): If comics have taught me anything, I will give you superpowers.

János (Tuzigoot): Maybe I should just Sever the Source, because why should I damage anyone myself in this entire combat?
Gordon (Petr): That's right, embrace your infertility. Err...
Doc (Molokhai): Impotence.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Incontinence.

Alan (DM): We have the great mystery that [Tuzigoot's] tethered sword has greater range than his flying sword.

Doc (Molokhai): There are several enormous monsters loudly dying; their cacophonous death rattles shake the very foundations of this ediface...
Alan (DM): What Doc is saying is somewhat nonsensical.
Doc (Molokhai): Somewhat?! I was aiming for maximum nonsensicality!

Gordon (Petr): Can we not refer to sex as 'the old grunt and shove' ever again?
Doc (Molokhai): Or, if you do, could you at least warn us.
Alan (DM): Of all the horrible things we say here, 'the old grunt and shove' is the one that's unrepeatable? I don't know if I can promise that.
Gordon (Petr): I just hate to have an activity that I like very much referred to so-
Alan (DM): Then you'll just have to not think about this, THE NEXT TIME IT HAPPENS.

Alan (DM): I don't want you to have a rail gun.
Gordon (Petr): I'm going to pout now.

Gordon (Petr): You mean they dug up a haunted castle and the lasing unleashed all the undead?
János (Tuzigoot): To be honest, it's hard to find an unhaunted castle in a fantasy universe.
Doc (Molokhai): Fantasy universe? Try Scotland!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Why don't we ever talk to things?

Alan (DM): Thing is, using Mortal Terror is just not that effective.
János (Tuzigoot): It should do that, then.

Alan (DM): I just skipped that because Doc bores me.

Gordon (Petr): Petr and Patrick are done.
Alan (DM): Petr and Cro-Mag are done. Let's not cross our-
Gordon (Petr): Don't cross the streams!

Gordon (Petr): Cro-Mag, kill the one that's out.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Why you gotta be so homophobic?

Gordon (singing): "My mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this."
Alan (DM): Wow, your mom must've been really crass.


Alan (DM): And you are all enitrely convinced it has to do with vampires. In fact, some of you were convinced well before there was any evidence whatsoever.

Alan (DM): ...And [nightmare beasts] also shoot you with lightning. Evil lightning.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Why does the black lightning always gotta be evil? Why not the white lightning?

Alan (DM): Intelligence is very difficult to measure in creatures made of dreamstuff.

Gordon (Petr): All right, lots of things! Let's make some knowledge checks.

Gordon (Petr): Molokhai ignores cover, right?
Alan (DM): Yes, because he's just that good with his wand... Wow, does that mean barrier birth control methods are no longer effective with him?

János (Tuzigoot): I just have to point out that Alan was the first person to go crass this entire session.
Gordon (Petr): Are you saying you're proud of me?
János (Tuzigoot): Yes, yes I am. And a little disappointed.


Gordon (Petr): Wow, filter-free Sundays.

Alan (DM): If jokes about sex with babies stop being funny, the terrorists have won.

Alan (DM): These are Sorrowsworn. They are made of shadow, they live on the Plane of Shadow...
János (Tuzigoot): And will be deported back to Shadow.

Gordon (Petr): We've become dismissive of damage; we only care about status effects now.

Alan (DM): Okay, but we can't spend the entire day looking at porn. Because five guys sitting in a room looking at porn is not okay. Five guys in a room occasionally looking at porn is okay.
Gordon (Petr): Are you really comfortable saying that?
Alan (DM): I'm only comfortable saying it because I know it's not true.

Alan (DM): "Here, accept the blessings of... Mr. Pointy!"

Alan (DM): You've just killed a bunch of Sorrowsworn. What are you doing now?
Doc, János, & Patrick: We're going to Disneyland!

Alan (DM): Everyone, make a history check.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): *rolls* I don't even remember what I had for lunch.

Gordon (Petr): No, 'No, stop, no!' is the sound of sexual abuse.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Or 'Mmph, mmph, mmph.'

Alan (DM): Okay, you're the first person to bring up porn here, at least in these five minutes.

Alan (DM): I mean, I haven't looked at porn in the last five minutes.
Doc (Molokhai): I have. I am right now.
Alan (DM): Now I feel like I'm falling behind.
Doc (Molokhai): You want us to send you some links?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I wish I had a way to make her prone, and stay that way.
Alan (DM): So you can look up her skirt?!
Doc (Molokhai): No, I'm sure it's something way worse than that.
Gordon (Petr): But it is non-consensual.

János (Tuzigoot): I just wrote 'porn' instead of 'prone' because I've written 'porn' so many times today.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): What? How do you get bloodied from 27 points of damage?
Doc (Molokhai): By being a wizard. I don't think there's any easier way to convey that.

János (Tuzigoot): Does the vampiress have a name?
Alan (DM): Gwenth.
János (Tuzigoot): Right.
Doc (Molokhai): Because she's the gwenth person we'll...

Alan (DM): She also shunted away your first attack.
Gordon (Petr): Stupid, bloody shunt.

Alan (DM): These are Fell Skeletons.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): But they got back up again?

Gordon (Petr): First we loot her...
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Is that what you're calling it?


Gordon (Petr): "If you are petrified, make a save at the end of your turn to end the effect." I'm not going to spend 60,000 gp for a property that does that.
Doc (Molokhai): Unless you hunt basilisks.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): "Crikey, on this episode of Basilisk Hunter..."

Gordon (Petr): That is ironic.
Alan (DM): That boiled down to their fantasy elements, Israel and Iran are run exactly the same way?

Alan (DM): When you pick 'Elfeaters' as the name of your tribe, you're pretty much committing to a way of life.

Alan (DM): You are to be given command of the operation forces, as the mightiest heroes on the side of Throal.
Gordon (Petr): Seriously? There's no one mightier?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): You should know better than to admit anything!
Gordon (Petr): Admit or omit?
Doc (Molokhai): Emit.

Alan (DM): The structural integrity of the room is getting questionable. At this rate you'll get everyone out in time, but... don't go sightseeing. "Look, I can carry this burning timber in one hand!"
János (Tuzigoot): That's not sightseeing. Sightseeing would be "And over here we see a burning timber created by the Great Assassination Attempt of... This Year."

Alan (DM): The crew don't fight it exceptionally, but they continue to fight the fire.
János (singing to the tune of "I Shot the Sheriff"): They fought the fire, but they didn't fight exceptionally.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): 18 streetwise.
Alan (DM): No, no...
Doc (Molokhai): You don't even know who you can buy weed from.

Gordon (Petr): Charcoalgrin isn't evil.
János (Tuzigoot): There's no evidence she's evil. She's not in a closely supervised environment.

Doc (Molokhai): I'd like to point out we're not the most discriminating not-killers of things.

Alan (DM): We have established that the Therans have combat drugs. I even gave you the opportunity to become addicted to them. I gave you the opportunity to become addicted to combat drugs and you turned me down.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm not comfortable with any drug I can't freebase.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): We have an aversion to needles.
Gordon (Petr): Ow, I don't want to poke that in myself!
János (Tuzigoot): That's why I just stick to licking toads, man. If I can't lick it off the back of a toad, I don't want it in my body.

János (Tuzigoot): Isaac Asimov died of AIDS. From a blood transfusion.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Not a gay hookerbot?

Alan (DM): Scurriers have the power to...
János (Tuzigoot): ...Scurry?

Alan (DM): They also stab you with rusty spikes.
Gordon (Petr): You mean they give you tetanus as a power?

Alan (DM): I want to sit there with an attendance counter and just count the cock jokes in one game.

Gordon (Petr): Oh, I thought you were swishing Mountain Dew through your teeth.
Doc (Molokhai): No... No, it's Brylcream. Because that is an oily luster you will not soon forget.

Gordon (Petr): No, we're not here to kill- Well, we are here to kill things.
Doc (Molokhai): Because that's the only reason we leave the house.

ญญญญญญญญ
Alan (DM): You are looking for the lair of the Cadaver Men, where you will speak with the Queen of the Dead.
János (Tuzigoot): Not the Queen of the Damned?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): No, that's Alachia.
János (Tuzigoot): It's pronounced "Aaliyah."

Alan (DM): That's funny, because they're talking about completely different things.
Gordon (Petr): It's funny?
Doc (Molokhai): It's funny, Gordon; shut your hole.

Alan (DM): How do you plan to ask her?
Gordon (Petr): Diplomatically.
Doc (Molokhai): What Gordon is saying is that he wants to make a diplomacy check and fuck role-playing right in the skull.

Alan (as Twiceborn): "Fine, but first I will need to settle my differences with Charcoalgrin personally. If you can get her to meet with me, I will consider your offer."
Patrick (Cro-Mag): As long as we get to film the makeup sex.
Alan (DM): Do you really think zombie/dragon lesbian sex would be all that arousing?
Gordon (Petr): We didn't say arousing, we said marketable.

Alan (DM): Besides, one is 40 times larger than the other, and the other one is dead. Wow, this is a buddy cop film. "One of them is an ancient giant reptile and the other is dead. Together they fight crime."

Doc (Molokhai): Then there's Zeus, who had the most fucked-up fetish ever, which was to have sex with women as animals he had never been before.

Gordon (Petr): Can we wave hello?
Alan (DM): Presumably they are scared of your pointy bits.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Do they still have their testicles?
Alan (DM): You... haven't had the chance to check.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): I have no problem joining a cult as long as I get to keep my testicles.

Alan (DM): For a creature named an ambush vine... it rolled pretty shitty.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Not [a nature check] that's any better than what everyone else got.
Alan (DM): Okay, none of you seem to remember anything about ambush vines just now.
János (Tuzigoot): I could have sworn they were the vines that ambushed you, but apparently not.

Alan (DM): This thing has all sorts of non-pornographic-at-all tentacles.

Gordon (Petr): How deep is that crevasse?
János (Tuzigoot): Deep enough to be called a crevasse!

Doc (Molokhai): I'm not going to use anyone in this room to describe the standards of "unspeakable things."

Doc (Molokhai): I'm done.
Alan (DM): Good. Spend an action point.
Doc (Molokhai): I already did.
Alan (DM): Spend another. This is an action point given to you by the gods of oops.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Ah, hammocks, the sex swing you don't have to hide when your parents come over.
Alan (DM): I don't think you need to hide any sex swing. Either they won't know what it is or they'll be cool with it.
János (Tuzigoot): Yes, but I'd be concerned about finding out which of those is the case.
Doc (Molokhai): "So, what do you think of the E-Z Glide III?"

Doc (Molokhai): He's like some crazy, diabolical fiber-optic cable.


Gordon (Petr): Why is there a computer in my chair?
Alan (DM): Because I don't use that chair for butts, I use it for setting things on.

Doc (Molokhai): Sorry, I can't muster any more disdain for you right now, so just pretend that was super withering.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I think you should change your life goal and now aim for extinction. Because genocide lets some of them live.
Gordon (Petr): How does genocide let some of them live?
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Because there's someone around to complain about it.

Alan (DM): You're going to get [Charcoalgrin and Twiceborn] to meet, make up, sell the DVDs...
Doc (Molokhai): It'll fund the war effort. There are clearly a lot of perverts in a postapocalyptic wasteland.

Gordon (Petr): You know what Charcoalgrin can do that Twiceborn can't? Raze Blood Wood.

Gordon (Petr): We're generally forces of good.
Doc (Molokhai): No we're not.
Gordon (Petr): We're generally forces of good.
Doc (Molokhai): No we're not.
Gordon (Petr): Occasionally!

Patrick (Cro-Mag): I think it's kind of ironic...
Gordon (Petr): We tried to negotiate a peaceful solution and Alan throws us straight into a combat.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): If there was ever a fight to use all your dailies, this is it.
János (Tuzigoot): That's why I've been saving them up this entire campaign.

Alan (DM): They didn't think about this power when they wrote it. You're about to cap out over a thousand hit points in damage.
Gordon (Petr): I'm not done yet.

Gordon (Petr): "Didn't you want to tell everyone that she was planning to suck the entire city into the Nether?"
Alan (as Twiceborn): "I feared that that knowledge would be more dangerous to those who spread it than helpful to those that didn't. You on the other hand are already on her shit list."


Alan (DM): Pretty much everyone else you ever met, you murdered. Everyone Theran, I mean.

Gordon (Petr): Are Therans evil?
Alan (DM): Fourth edition removed alignment for non-extraplanar characters. A Theran farmer, as whoever Doc tends to quote—possibly himself—keeps saying, does not "sow oats for his dark god."

Gordon (Petr): You all right there, Doc? You're lookin' kinda glazed.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm just waiting for something to happen. And there are people wrong on the internet right now; that's not helping.

Gordon (Petr): I'm ready for Alan to screw us. Can you just use less lube than last time, because I didn't really get the burn.


Alan (DM): Imagine I just gave 5 minutes of exposition about how battle was joined. I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me today.

Doc (Molokhai): For a second there I thought you said 'Festivus' until I realized you must have said 'testicles.'

Doc (Molokhai): While you're over there, János, could you bring me the ketchup. It's to your right at head height.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): It's a tomato-based condiment.
Doc (Molokhai): For some reason I thought you said it's a cement-based condiment. I may not hear things correctly, but I always hear them entertainingly.

Alan (DM): Who is six and who is seven?
János (Tuzigoot): Well, if man is five, if man is five...
Everyone: Then the devil is six and God is seven!

Gordon (Petr): You know what griffons don't do? Open doors.
Doc (Molokhai): They open doors the same way cave trolls open doors.

Gordon (Petr): Tell us what they do.
Alan (DM): They're brutes. They bite you with their griffon faces...

János (Tuzigoot): Wow! G-I-R-F-F-O-N autocorrects in Microsoft Word to 'griffon.'

Doc (Molokhai): Give it to 'im right in the dump stat.

Gordon (Petr): No, the digestive system is all lion.
Alan (DM): You're saying griffons don't have gizzards?
Doc (Molokhai): That's bullshit!

Alan (DM): You'll just stay put hiding behind the Dreamweaver?
János (Tuzigoot): I can hit everyone from here if I want to.
Doc (Molokhai): He's not even standing; he's sitting in that chair and ordering people to fight on his behalf.
János (Tuzigoot): 'This is the way to adventure! Why did I keep forgetting that I'm a leader?'
Doc (Molokhai): 'I'm not even sure we share a common language; just do stuff for me.'

Patrick (Cro-Mag): With Great Reach comes great responsibility.

Doc (Molokhai): Way to fuck up entropy.
Alan (DM): I think the nice thing about entropy is it's impossible to fuck up.

Gordon (Petr): We're now getting into the farcical portion of the combat.
Alan (DM): Okay, [Griffon 4] attacks the Guardian on the left.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Which left?
Alan (DM): It's left.
Doc (Molokhai): That doesn't help; they're horse [counters] and they're upside down.

Doc (in cartoonish voice): Fuck you and your mythological, physiological bullshit!


Alan (DM): So Gordon, by which I mean Gordon's special friend Petr Mogila...

Alan (DM): Merrox, diplomatic assistant and stabby fellow...
Doc (Molokhai): I really hope it says that on his business card.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): He'd probably be more diplomatic than that. "Cutlery-based..."

Alan (DM): So it's Gordon and five dwarves.
Gordon (Petr): Story of my life.
Doc (Molokhai): "Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing this..."
Gordon (insistently): "Particularly because we're all heterosexuals."
Doc (Molokhai): "But then we walked into a meadow with a reverse sexuality field."
János (Tuzigoot): Worst gravorg ever.

Alan (DM): I'm going to roll some initiatives.
Gordon (Petr): Then we should get to killing, 'cause it's not even 1:00!
János (Tuzigoot): Actually I have a couple of things to bring up first.
Alan (DM): You can bring up one thing at the end of each round.

Alan (DM): You are alone on the dais. You think if this we're still a flying castle, you'd be driving very badly from here.

Doc (Molokhai): How 'bout you, I don't know, fuckin' kill that guy to death?

Alan (DM): Now War Scarg #3 goes, by which I mean War Scrag #Horrible Smear, because erasing doesn't work on these [counters].

Alan (DM): The officer Blurs his Steel.
Gordon (Petr): (cracks up)
Alan (DM): Jeez, can I say five words? In a fantasy universe where people hit each other with sticks, there's going to be phallic imagery. Get over it!

Alan (DM): They've been entrapped in a tomb of white marble.
Gordon (Petr): That happens to girls around me all the time.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): Really? It hardens that fast?

János (Tuzigoot): Hungary was settled by people from Central Asia.
Gordon (Petr): Settled?! You mean invaded?
Doc (Molokhai): If we've learned anything from history, that's what "settled" meant everywhere.

Alan (DM): There's a war scarg in a box.
Doc (singing to the tune by Alice in Chains): I'm the scrag in the box.

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Affect or effect?
Alan (DM): 'Affect' is a noun and 'effect' is a verb.
Doc (Molokhai): 'Affect' can also be a verb.
Alan (DM): 'Affect' is a verb used by super-pretentious people.

Doc (Molokhai): He has a certificate of ass-kicking from DeVry, so it's not really an accredited...

Patrick (Cro-Mag): My dice say your religion is stupid.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm playing Kenomo the Merciful.
János (Tuzigoot): She can be merciful to me anytime.

Alan (DM): They're clawing at you and dragging you down.
János (Tuzigoot): Much like my last relationship.

Doc (Molokhai): It takes a big man to admit that.
János (Tuzigoot): About five years late.
Gordon (Petr): It takes a while. First you're enamored with the sex, then you're enamored with the sex, then you're enamored with the sex.

Doc (Molokhai): Kenomo's gonna get super un-merciful in a second.

Gordon (Petr): She summoned another Shroud? How often can she do that?
Alan (DM): Did you do well enough on your arcana check to know that?
Gordon (Petr): Yes.
Alan (DM): (pause) You did better on your bluff check than arcana.

Doc (Molokhai): "Whaddaya think, Hollis; should daddy do this floozy?"

Alan (DM): This has turned into what we call a non-dynamic combat.
Doc (Molokhai): Goddammit. Be dynamic, combat.

Alan (DM): I may not have designed this combat right. There could have been more dyna... dyna-something.
Doc (Molokhai): Dinosaurs? This combat could totally have used more dinosaurs.
Alan (DM): Yes, it could have used more dinosaurs.


Gordon (Petr): I just realized this could be the last evening gaming session of my life!

Gordon (Petr): So I need to say a whole bunch of coarse things.

Gordon (Petr): What's your epic destiny?
Doc (Molokhai): Sage of Ages.
Gordon (Petr): How could I forget Sages of Ages. I mean, it even rhymes.
Alan (DM): Not to be confused with Sage of Aegis.
Doc (Molokhai): A guy who knows an awful lot about one shield.

Gordon (Petr): As this is my last night of gaming, I'm going to drink... two pops.
Doc (Molokhai): Way to live on the edge, Gordon.
Gordon (Petr): Hey, I'm old.

Alan (DM): Exolasher 2 goes.
Doc (Molokhai): I'm not done.
Alan (DM): Not Exolasher 2, then. Continuing adventures of Molokhai.

Doc (Molokhai): If there's anyone in our party who knows where to kick an undead wizard "in the balls," it's going to be me.

Alan (DM): That doesn't hit; it's woefully insufficient.
János (to tune of the Lucky Charms jingle) It's woefully insufficient.

Gordon (Petr): *rolls a 6 on a d6*
Doc (Molokhai): Oh-ho! I don't know what that is, but it's probably good.

János (Tuzigoot): I killed Kalaan! I killed the NPC I played with the NPC I'm playing!

Alan (DM): This is the problem with D&D: typists can dodge bullets, because there's no distinction between fine and gross motor skills.

Gordon (Petr): 52!
Alan (DM): Versus AC?!
Doc (Molokhai): Versus whatever!

Alan (DM): It's the ogre's action, which is the worst thing I could have done to him, as he dies from poison.


Patrick (Cro-Mag): I'm guessing the Excavators are large, so they won't be able to move through the door. Unless they can break through walls.
Alan (DM): The Excavators are large. They are also named Excavators.

Alan (DM): Yeah, I think his best option is to exhort his honor guard to "Continue to murder that defenseless old man!"

Alan (DM): He actually does have a decent melee attack. On the other hand, he also has a decent "Oh my god, I'm dying, I'm dying!"

Alan (DM): And that was round one in... 90 minutes.

Doc (Molokhai): God, the Death Knight is really in it for the long game, isn't he?

Patrick (Cro-Mag): Close burst 3.
Alan (DM): You set an awful lot of people on an awful lot of fire.

Doc (Molokhai): A tauntaulogy is a logical fallacy that you can cut open and sleep inside to keep warm.

Alan (DM): The Death Knight has manifested an immunity to crossbow bolts.
Doc (Molokhai): Yes, it's a magical ability called "These guys can't hit shit."


Alan (DM): Does everyone remember what happened last session? It was less than 24 hours ago.

Alan (DM): J'Role the Honorable Thief.
Gordon (Petr): That's you again, Doc.
Doc (Molokhai): I know it's me.
Alan (DM): It's your fault for murdering the guy who went between you.

Doc (Molokhai): Could you hand that [die] back to me; I'll try not to toss it in your lap again.
János (Tuzigoot): Are you kidding? That's the most action I've had in...

Doc (Molokhai): The frame-rate of this combat has just dropped to two or three a second.

Alan (DM): So nothing bad happens to him while he's affected by that? So by Terrifying Journey you just mean ride-at-Disneyland-terrifying journey.
Doc (Molokhai): If rides at Disneyland did untyped damage to you and shunted you into another dimension...

Gordon (Petr): Is [Chiwetel Ejiofor] African-American... I mean, he's British, so African-...
János (Tuzigoot): Black. You can say black. It's okay.
Gordon (Petr): Yeah, but is he, like, Afro-Caribbean?
János (Tuzigoot): His name is Chiwetel Ejiofor; does that sound Caribbean to you?
Gordon (Petr): I don't know what Afro-Caribbean names are like!
János (Tuzigoot): "Bob Marley!"

Gordon (Petr): They call him Mr. Vane.
Doc (singing): You probably think this combat's about you...

Gordon (Petr): Dwarf Royal Defender 2 stands up, attacks Nikar, misses, and ends his turn.
Alan (DM): You don't even need me, do you?

Alan (DM): I believe attention was rather dramatically shifted to Vane, which is why he has 600 fewer hit points than this time last round.

Alan (DM): You killed him. Now you can eat his counter.
Gordon (Petr): Ugh, paper. I never liked eating paper!
János (Tuzigoot): Gordon was more of a paste eater.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): And a paint sniffer, I hear. Or was that panty sniffer?

Alan (DM): What are you doing with that die?
Doc (Molokhai): Nothing! I'm just rolling it to know what it is.
Patrick (Cro-Mag): He now has carnal knowledge of that die.

Doc (Molokhai): I'm the only one who's opened nodes on the Liferock.
Gordon (Petr): You're the only one who did more than 400 points of damage to the party.
Doc (Molokhai): And you know what? That record is going to stand for the rest of the campaign.

Doc (Molokhai): Remember, dying with dignity is a standard action, Alan.

Alan (DM): The thing is, it would be tactically more effective for him to die.

Gordon (Petr): 'Cause [Blood Elves]'re assholes; I'm so going to racially cleanse them.

Alan (DM): In the coming weeks Willow Grove becomes a twisted perversion of its former happy arboreal self.
Gordon (Petr): So they did that to make another Blood Wood?
Alan (DM): Perhaps. I'm just reading the block text, here.
Gordon (Petr): Good. It's a smaller one for me to practice on.

Doc (Molokhai): I totally called it that they would have an apocalyptic death cannon.

Gordon (Petr): There's a lot of unnecessary noble sacrificing going on; couldn't they just send us ahead to kill everyone?

Alan (DM): I wonder if it's a viable business venture in Barsaive to destroy cities and then rent them out to adventurers.

Doc (Molokhai): So we should have a wrap-up dinner sometime, rather than say "It's midnight; I'll see you sometime in the future."