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Expedition to the Demonweb Pits

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Expedition to the Demonweb Pits is an adventure module published in 2007. It updates the First Edition adventure Queen of the Demonweb Pits. Our 9th level party is investigating increased drow raiding and follows clues through portals to other planes. There are various organizations who may be using us to further their conflicting agendas, but really we're just in it for the drow killing.


Ibrahim al-Hakim
Reaper 2873: Arran Rabin Reaper 2873: Arran Rabin
A grey elf wizard/warlock/eldritch theurge. He spends a lot of his time invisible.
2873: Arran Rabin

Shumana
Reaper 3222: Elori Reaper 3222: Elori
A human spellthief/duskblade.
3222: Elori Ebonscythe, Evil Female Cleric [modified]

Ti'Ani Kashihal
Reaper 3129: Ashlyn
A grey elf scout/templeraider. Ibrahim's cousin, and a fearsome ranged fighter with her crossbow.
3129: Ashlyn, Ranger

Viggo Moldavia
Reaper 14035: Balthon Reaper 14035: Balthon
A human wizard/warlock/eldritch disciple. For the party cleric, he's a grudging healer and prefers instead to collect and preserve the heads of our slain enemies.
14035: Balthon, Evil Priest

Wupatki kin Kletso
Reaper 2926: Gungor Reaper 2926: Gungor
A half-orc tattooed monk. None-too-bright, but somehow still the only member of the party who felt that attacking an entire drow castle was overly ambitious.
2926: Gungor, 1/2 Orc Monk



K.I.A.

Chuck the Half-Orc: survived 13 sessions
Reaper 14004: Ymrilix
A half-orc knight. He once served as the door-kicker for an elite city watch unit and continued to take out his aggression on doors. He developed an unrequited romantic interest in a professional demon-slayer named LeShawn Sonj. He pierced the fabric of the Demonweb and his soul was forever lost.
14004: Ymrilix, Anti-Paladin




Famous Last Words


Alan (DM): Viggo, make him but the buzzing of flies to you. I am going to say that so much during this campaign.
Doc (Viggo): That's exactly why I chose it.

Ed (Na'thal): Why is a chimera camping?
Brooke (Ti'a): I think it's eating campers.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I say an evil word that chills you to your very soul.
Doc (Viggo): Antiquing?
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm going to say it over and over and over again till everyone's sick of it. Just like in real life.
Doc (Viggo): Cockthirsty?

Alan (DM): That's a mound of earth... or cliff or something.
Doc (Viggo): A berm?
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's the dark word I'm going to use all the time. Berm.

Doc (Viggo): I make a bunch of gestures with my hands and my eyes glow red. You all say, "What's that?"... "Eh, I have a condition."

Doc (Viggo): I have pass without trace.
Brooke (Ti'a): I also pass without trace... all the time.
Ed (Na'thal): I could borrow his.

Doc (Viggo): I move up and also say that if at the end of the round I'm the closest one to the dragon I'm going to be very disappointed with the party.

Alan (DM): I'd also like to point out that the dragon is wearing a saddle though there is no rider.
Doc (Viggo): It's a bondage thing.
Brooke (Ti'a): Where's John's old character when you need him. He would definitely have tried to ride it.
John (Chuck): That came up a lot in that game. Oh look, there's a thing I don't know how to drive.

Alan (DM): You spent 5 minutes healing and then another minute watching lightning bolts shoot out of the stairwell. You threw rocks to see if the lightning would hit them. "Wait for the 'fuck'... 'Fuck!'... 'Now!'... zap."

Gordon (singing): My name is Viggo...
Ed (also singing): ...and I live on the second floor.

Ed (Na'thal): Well, fight fire with lightning, as my mom always used to say.
Doc (Viggo): My storm giant mother.

Gordon (Ibrahim): It's a Circlet of Mages.
John (Chuck): It's under M for mages.
Ed (Na'thal): Actually, it's under C for Circlet.
John (Chuck): It's under O for Of.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I hit that guy.
Alan (DM): With your eldritch blast?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yes, with the blasty of nasty.
Doc (Viggo): Ah yes, the blasty of nasty

Ed (Na'thal): Sure, I can take your spells; it just requires that I hit you over the head with this sap.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Really? You can't just take them by touch?
Ed (Na'thal): No, I can. I was just kidding.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Jerk.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Oh, if you guys think you're going to die try to get within 30 feet of me.
János (Wupatki): He'll take you the rest of the way.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I have an amulet of emergency healing.
John (Chuck): Isn't that expensive?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yeah, but if we're going to have a resurrection fund, this is cheaper.
John (Chuck): Ah, cheaper insurance.
Doc (Viggo): It's like switching to Geico.


Doc (Viggo): He's Chuck the Door-Slayer!

Alan (DM): Oddly enough, I don't have this door's stats ready. Clearly this should be the last time.

Doc (Viggo): I cast gentle repose on the head and slip it into my pack.

Alan (DM): The grateful villagers provide you free lodging, food, and drink. As a result you get a slightly later start than usual in the morning.
Brooke (*pressing hands to temples*): "So much heavier than elven ale."
Doc (Viggo): "That's because it's real booze." Zing!
John (Chuck): "There was alcohol in that? I thought it was soup. I wondered why you weren't eating it with spoons."

Doc (Viggo): There's a sign on the wall: "Discounts available for those who slay our sworn enemies. Ask us how!"

Alan (DM): So for no particular reason I'm going to shuffle through a bunch of counters.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I create an extradimensional space and sleep in that.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I search the drow.
John (Chuck): Three down.
Gordon (Ibrahim): One nation left.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): "I could drop the sledgehammer, but really, it might come in handy. Wait, give me back that crowbar!"
Doc (Viggo): That's going to be a horrible conversation: Which of your incredibly heavy items you carry to break into things can you leave behind? "You don't understand; this is the crowbar that got me through elementary school."
Ed (Shumana): "Well, it got me in."

Gordon (Ibrahim): So we'll track them back where they came from.
John (Chuck): Don't we want to know where they were going?
János (Wupatki): That's harder to tell.
Gordon (Ibrahim): We can ask the corpse.
Doc (Viggo): I can totally do that. In fact, I'm way too excited to do that.

Doc (Viggo): If my calculations are correct, it is 5:04.
Everyone: Yes.
Doc (Viggo): Great, my clock is right!

Gordon (Ibrahim): I say a word and move.
John (Chuck): What word?
János (Wupatki): 'Vrockthirsty.'

Alan (DM): He deals 22 points of damage as he rakes his claws across your forehead, giving you an interesting scar to talk about later.
Doc (Viggo): Not if I heal it fast enough.

Alan (DM): Round counter. Round counter?
Doc (Viggo): Round counter attacks. Round counter delays its action.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'd like to run, tumble, jump...
Alan (DM): I believe there's an Olympic event for this.

Alan (DM): He gives you [Ti'Ani] room to dance around like a fruitcake.
Ed (Shumana): You're a fruitcake?
John (Chuck): Fruitcakes dance?

Alan (DM): You guys just do not want any creatures to have any strength at all!

Ed (Shumana): What are vrock doing with spores?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Vrock are the farmers of the underworld.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Does anyone else need gloves of dexterity? Does anyone else not have gloves?
John (Chuck): If I grow another set of arms.

Alan (DM): The vines are just starting to bud out.
Ed (Shumana): Does that mean I'm a chia Shumana?

Gordon (Ibrahim): So is poison a trade good? No.

Gordon (Ibrahim): The Fabled City of Doors. That sounds like a great city.
János (Wupatki): Chuck'll love it.

Alan (DM): I really like evil fey because you don't have to figure out why they want to do what they want to do. They're just evil fey.


John (Chuck): You're drinking milk? *grimace*
Gordon (Ibrahim): What? It's not like I drained a child and am drinking its blood.
Ed (Shumana): That would have been okay.

Gordon (trying to discuss a television set in character): "What was that?"
John (Chuck): "It was a fish, the vegetable of the sea."

Doc (Viggo): I put the [happy] frog next to the head of the drow cleric in my bag, hoping that it will provide the nourishment the frog needs to survive.

Alan (DM): "Wanna buy a traveler's guide?"
Gordon (Ibrahim): "For where?"
Alan (DM): "The multiverse."
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Does it have 'Don't Panic' written on the cover?

Alan (DM): 15 gold for the guide?
Doc (Viggo): 10 and a banshre head.
Alan (DM): Done, but uh... keep the banshre head.

Gordon (Ibrahim): "What's your going rate?"
Alan (DM): "5 gold and you buy me a drink when we get there?"
Gordon (Ibrahim): "Wow, you're piking us! 2 gold and a drink."
Doc (Viggo): "How about a happy frog?"
Brooke (Ti'Ani): "And a banshre head."
John (Chuck): "He's been trying to get rid of it forever."
Alan (DM): "2 gold and 2 drinks."
Gordon (Ibrahim): "2 gold and a drink and a half."
Alan (DM): "You can't buy half a drink! 2 gold, a drink, and the bottom half of the second drink. If they charge you for the top half, that's not my fault."
Gordon (Ibrahim): "You're smarter than you look."

Alan (DM): You summon people in to avoid the cover charge?
Gordon (Ibrahim): You're only here for a few rounds so drink fast.

Alan (DM): Kemmit picks up the armor, shakes it out, turns it around, looks for a tag.
Ed (Shumana): Hand wash only?!

Doc (Viggo): Truly, let the blessings on them be as limitless as... a lot of something.

Gordon (Ibrahim): And you become a friend of spiders.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Well that sounds good considering where we're going.
John (Chuck): Unless they keep coming over asking for things.
Doc (Viggo): Spiders are such moochers.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): They're always asking to borrow money.
John (Chuck): Hey, can I crash here for the night? I'm so wasted... Yeah, we need some help moving a couch.

Alan (as Wupatki): "That was beautiful... it was like... like staring into the face of heaven itself. And I got this piece of paper."

Alan (DM): I don't like to speculate. Everytime I speculate an orphan dies.

Alan (DM): So you're going to ask people where the bloodthorn of the tower is?
Doc (Viggo): Hi, we're taking a poll. What's your favorite way to get into Yggdrasil?

Ed (Shumana): Does anyone remember which way we're supposed to go?
Doc (Viggo): Wait, let me consult my Lonely Multiverse.

Alan (on whether the squirrel thing likes spiders or nuts better): "Nuts do not eat flies, but they taste good and they do not carry off my cousins."


Doc (Viggo): Also, we're in Planescape. So for all they know you could be an intelligent circle of whirling blades.
Brooke (makes a spot check): "Look out; there it is!"
Alan (DM): Unfortunately no one else made a spot check.
John (looking and pointing at the enormous branch of the tree): "Oh my god, it's huge!"

Gordon (as Wupatki): He does what he should do and withdraws to the other cleric. And he says, "You, squirrelly person... heal me." The squirrelly person says... *looking at Alan*.
Alan (in a high squeaky voice>): "It's not my turn yet, you asshole!"
Gordon (also in a high squeaky voice): "I rolled like an eleven."
Doc (also in a high squeaky voice): "I have a negative Dex modifier."

Alan (DM): You step out and are bathed in moonlight.
John (Chuck): I lather.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Can you hand me the big stiff ruler.
Doc (Viggo): I fluffed it for you.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'd write that down, but I'm not sure what it means.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I cast Escalating Enfeeblement. And he takes 12 points of Strength damage.
Doc (Viggo): Holy crap.
Alan (DM): And that's on top of the -6 penalty that Wupatki inflicted.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yeah, this is what János and I have been planning to do.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): And since he's not here, but you're running his character, you're going to do it anyway.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yup.

Alan (DM): Also, it's not quite clear to me whether he's wearing armor... or he is armor.

John (Chuck): Did you just pull a donut out of your pocket?

John (Chuck): Shumana, do you have language?
Ed (Shumana): Yes.
John (Chuck): Is your CR 7 or higher?
Ed (Shumana): Yes
John (Chuck): Do you have an intelligence of 5 or higher?
Ed (Shumana): No... I mean yes.
John (Chuck): Then I "call you to battle". You gain another attempt at the will save.
Alan (DM): So Chuck says "Not scary!" and then runs away.
John (Chuck): Yup.

Alan (DM): Chuck returns with some hastily thought-of excuse.
John (Chuck): "That was scary."

Alan (DM): He eats sunlight. Therefore he has a digestive tract and is susceptible to critical hits and sneak attack damage. That's the kind of logic you have to apply to fey.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I don't think you have to apply any logic to fey. It goes against their nature.
Alan (DM): Or they eat chess. They don't eat chess pieces. They eat chess. So it walks up to two guys playing, and it eats the chess. Then they wonder what the nice little statutes are and why there's a pretty alternating pattern on the board.

Alan (as a ratatosk): "Oh! You've found Thaas, the Bow of Beasts!"
Gordon (Ibrahim): "No."
Alan (DM): "It's right there. There's someone carrying it."
Gordon (Ibrahim): "Oh, that one..." I thought Ed was going to hide it better.
Ed (Shumana): What did you want me to do, wrap it in duct tape?


Gordon (Ibrahim): I need to open up my character sheet so I can say John's character's name.
John (Chuck): ...Chuck?

John (Chuck): I don't want to accidentally assume any kind of leadership role in this party.

Alan (DM): So in the world where there isn't Firefox...
János (Wupatki): Well, there are, but they're foxes that are actually on fire.
Doc (Viggo): At night they duel with the ice weasels... *looks at Alan* We're going there, aren't we?

János (Wupatki): I didn't realize there was a bar that catered to demons.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): No, only about half the clientele are demons.
Doc (Viggo): The other half are devils.

Alan (DM): Her name is LeShawn Sonj.
Doc (Viggo): Oh shit; she's a French outsider.
Ed (Shumana): All outsiders are French.

Alan (DM): She says, in a voice pitched to carry, that she is a demonslayer.
Doc (Viggo): I just open the curtain and in a voice pitched to carry I announce that we assisted the squirrel-folk of Yggdrasil.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yes, fear us.

Doc (Viggo): That seems like a real faux pas: "What unspeakable act of evil are you here to commit?"
Gordon (Ibrahim): "Or are you here to kill the clientele like I am?"
Doc (Viggo): Moral ambiguity sucks; let's kill things.

John (Chuck): I glumly return to the table.
Brooke & Ed (simultaneously): "Strike out?"
Ed (Shumana): Say the two chicks at the table.
John (Chuck): "She wanted to go on a date or something."

Doc (Viggo): It's not like we walk down the streets of Sigil saying "Excuse us, Weapon of Legend coming through!"

Alan (as Rule of Three): "The time has come for me to make my third request."
Ed (Shumana): What was the second one?
Doc (Viggo): What was the first one?!

Gordon (Ibrahim): Wait, it's a crime to talk to demons? We've talked to you! Shit, we've been consorting with angels!
Doc (Viggo): We've also been consorting with squirrel-folk. Is that a crime?

Alan (as warden archon): "I do not find your speech amusing."
János (Wupatki): That's too bad, because we've got pages and pages of quotes proving just how funny we are.

János (Wupatki): What are these things called?
Alan (DM): Warden archons.
Doc (Viggo): I don't have one of their skulls yet.

Alan (as warden archon): "Rather than an infallible predictor of future events, you might want to consider the words of the Eye as guidelines."

Alan (DM): You step out of what appears to be a natural arch in a featureless white plain of snow.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Someone make note of where we parked; because I don't leave tracks, so I won't be any help.
Doc & Brooke (simultaneously): Neither do I.

John (Chuck): I charge.
Doc (Viggo): "I'll crush you like the foul door you are!"

Doc (Viggo): If I'm done healing you can I take their skulls yet?

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Alan, are you online somewhere that I can send you messages?
Alan (DM): No, but that's just because I'm a haughty bitch.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Hottie or haughty?
Alan (DM): Haughty.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's too bad, because I prefer to think of you as a hottie bitch.

Alan (DM): I don't think anyone else speaks any languages.
Doc (Viggo): I speak Common... and the binary language of moisture evaporators.

Alan (DM): [The frost giant atop a tower] has cover... from Merlot.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): He likes to drink and throw rocks.
Alan (DM): Myrmidons, marmots, what were they called?
János (Wupatki): Merlons. Or maybe they are big blocks of frozen Merlot.

János (Wupatki): Rime Thuras isn't known for the quality of its vineyards.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's a harsh environment to grow grapes!
Ed (Shumana): But you should check out the Icee trees.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): I say something about [the frost giant] not being able to hit the broad side of a barn.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Can't hear you.
János (Wupatki): Doesn't know what barns are. No agriculture here.

Alan (DM): He gives up on the rock plan, as it is obviously not working.
János (Wupatki): And begins cranking the trebuchet.

Alan (DM): After some thought-
Doc (Viggo): Not a lot, just some.

Doc (Viggo): We could buy a dog. "Go, find her, boy!" "Arf, arf!" *makes horrible monster noises and gestures*.
John (Chuck): Okay, more than one dog.

Gordon (Ibrahim): That sucks! Running water blocks the spell.
Doc (Viggo): On a plane made out of spiderwebs, I think we're okay.


Alan (DM): You know what's going to happen? The phase spider is going to charge Ti'Ani, and then become corporeal as a free action, in the same space as Shumana, who is invisible. Then the DM will become kinda confused.

Alan (DM): It bites you, for 4 points of constitution damage.
John (Chuck): Then you become incorporeal... or turn into silver, or something.
Alan (DM): You stop liking classical music.

John (Chuck): I liked killings things and having people cheer for me!

Alan (DM): And the magic circles radiate moderate conjuration. Unless you really screwed up your check, in which case it's radiating candy.
John (Chuck): *sighs*
Alan (DM): What's wrong?
John (Chuck): I left my candy at home.

Doc (Viggo): I don't think the drow are this way.
Ed (singing to the tune of Aerosmith): NOT THIS WAY!

John (Chuck): This empty room is filled with small, red cubes.

Alan (DM): János! You're just in time to kill things.
János (Wupatki): Great!
Alan (DM): Someone summarize events for János in 7 words or less.
John (Chuck): Nothing's happened.

Ed (Shumana): Also, the Demonweb: way smaller than we thought.
Doc (Viggo): We've already found its edge.
John (Chuck): Also way fewer drow than we thought.

János (Wupatki): Let me refamiliarize myself with my character.
Alan (DM): Since at this point we've played it more than you have?

Alan (DM): You're rolling 10 dice? I'll give you a hint; it has 10 hit points.

Alan (DM): During [Viggo's overnight watch shift] you see a horrible monstrosity composed solely of spider legs scuttle by.
Doc (Viggo): Does it see us?
Alan (DM): Doesn't seem to. 45 minutes later it scuttles by heading the other way.
Doc (Viggo): That's not worth waking up the others for.
János (Wupatki): Viggo's not interested because it doesn't have a skull.

Alan (DM): And I've got block text. Let's see if this block text sucks!

Alan (DM): This fungoid predator is known as a sporebat. I really just wanted to say 'fungoid predator.'

Doc (recording initiatives): Viggo? *in deep voice* 23. *in normal voice* Thank you, Viggo.

Alan (DM): You believe it is unaffected [by your spell].
Doc (Viggo): Well, have fun, guys. Heh-heh, 'fungi'.

Alan (DM): It tries to claw you, but fumbles.
János (Wupatki): It fungals.
Ed (Shumana): That's gonna get mold.

Alan (DM): It's badly hurt... you think. It's the most badly injured fungoid predator you've ever seen.

Doc (Viggo): I like to believe that this plane is designed so that anyone following the right-hand rule in a labyrinth runs into the most horrible things.

Doc (sarcastically): I wonder what those are!
János (Wupatki): Drow, or as Uriah would call them, Underdarkies.

Alan (DM): John, you are hit with pathetic numbers I will not bother reporting.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I was just giving him a signal.
Doc (Viggo): Sure, if by 'signal' you mean 'sodomy'.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Hello! *sets something down in front of Gordon on his laptop*
Doc (Viggo): Oh boy, she left a bridal magazine on your desktop. *long pause* I thought she was gonna be the bride, Gordon.

Doc (Viggo): Let's examine their equipment for valuable things and heads.
Alan (DM): You find one head each.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Ti'Ani's not an elf.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'm an elf. I'm your cousin, dimwit.

Alan (DM): So in the interest of brevity over suspense and pacing...


Gordon (mishearing Doc): It's your BlackBerry?
Doc (Viggo): It's your phylactery!

Brooke (Ti'Ani): "Hey, Chuck, it's a door; check it out."

Gordon (Ibrahim): "There are many portals, and we don't have many icons to travel by. Are you interested in icons?"
Alan (as Lissondra): "No... I find the sacrifice of living creatures to suffice."
Gordon (Ibrahim): "But sometimes you're running low on time, you can't find a living creature..."
Alan (as Lissondra): "There are ninety-nine drow in the citadel."
Gordon (Ibrahim): "And they all have portal keys?"
Brooke (Ti'Ani): "They're all living creatures!"
Alan (as Lissondra): "Surely Lolth will not miss one."

Alan (as Lissondra): "What do you have that I might be interested in?"
Gordon (Ibrahim): "We have hard currency, we have many interesting items we have picked up in our travels..."
Doc (Viggo): "I have the skulls and heads of many dead things."
Alan (as Lissondra): "Let me see."
Gordon (Ibrahim): I didn't think that would ever be useful!

Doc (Viggo): I am no longer the skill character. Would this side of the table stop with the 'Oh, I did better than Doc in this!'

Alan (DM): "The spider goddess doesn't allow more than one hundred drow to gather in any one place so they don't ferment rebellion against her."
János (Wupatki): Ferment or foment?
Alan (DM): Whichever one makes sense in that sentence.

Doc (Viggo): "Are there any other heads you're interested in getting?"
Alan (as Lissondra): "Fiendish heads. Especially powerful fiends. Demons, maybe."
Ed (Shumana): Why do I get the sense of a budding romance?

Alan (as Lissondra): "The portals only go to worlds Lolth has conquered or is working on conquering."
Doc (Viggo): Imagine the signs on the highways: THIS AREA WILL BE CONQUERED BY 2008. FALL.

János (Wupatki): CONQUEST NEXT 20 MILES. EXPECT DELAYS.
Doc (Viggo): STEEP GRADE comma GENOCIDE NEXT 20 MILES.

Doc (Viggo): Would Lolth really know we're here? In the scheme of people who want to fuck up Lolth's plans, we're an insignificant speck.
Ed (Shumana): Give it a week.
Doc (Viggo): She'll take off the weight. One limb at a time.

Ed (Shumana): I'm going last again at 19.

Gordon (to Ed): You're not really going last, are you?
Alan (DM): No, Chuck is going later.
John (Chuck): At 18.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Purple energy blasts out of me. I say I got it from the drow and I'm just giving it back to their creatures.

Doc (Viggo): I am returning the gods' powers to them by way of their servants, by which I mean killing their servants with their power.
John (Chuck): So you're like a resistor?
Doc (Viggo): I am like the inductance coil of the gods.

Doc (Viggo): Take that, arthropod!
Gordon (Ibrahim): Why you gotta be so mean to arthropods?
Doc (Viggo): Dude, they have their skeletons on the outside! Hello?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Oh, not proper, eh?
Doc (Viggo): No, it's really not proper at all. Plus, you can't preserve their heads.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Why do you gotta be so angry?
Doc (Viggo): I'm going through my third adolescence.

Alan (DM): *Flipping an initiative card, then realizing what just happened* Shumana, what do you want to do to the dead spider?

Gordon (Ibrahim): Everybody has darkvision.
Ed (Shumana): No.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Everybody has darkvision. I gather you all around and say 'Everybody has darkvision.' That was the somatic component.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Adventurers fall into a wide spectrum, from Elminster to my cousin, who just started last week.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Excuse me!

Doc (Viggo): We could buy potions of fly.
John (Chuck): Which they can dispel.
Doc (Viggo): So we each get two potions.

Alan (DM): I trust [Gordon] to [sell loot]. I would force you to role-play the encounters but neither of us would enjoy it.

Alan (DM): I need glue. I have found a counter that has tragically fallen from grace, and by grace I mean its backing.

Alan (DM): You head toward the Fane of Eclavdra, praying that she's still away, because I'll give you a hint; her stats are in this book: *holds up the Epic Level Handbook* She was in charge of the drow on Greyhawk. ALL OF THEM.
Gordon (Ibrahim): We need to piss her off by killing all of her followers and rampaging through her lingerie!

Doc (Viggo): We are more fucked than a whore at closing time.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): As I hand over the package I say "This is to be opened by Ilsandra only."
János (Wupatki): Eclavdra.
Gordon (Ibrahim): This is how your disguise check goes badly.
Doc (Viggo): "This is only to be opened by what's-her-name."

Alan (DM): [Fane] is an actual word. At least, Monte Cook obsesses with it like it's an actual word.

Ed (Shumana): Has anyone heard of Jonathon Tweet? He used to write D&D books.
Everyone but Alan (DM): No.
Alan (DM): Yes.
Ed (Shumana): I met a guy last week who went to college with him.
János (Wupatki): Isn't it cool to have a peripheral connection to someone who's really not actually famous?

Alan (DM): He moves there and fires his crossbow... right at Chuck.
John (Chuck): EXCELLENT!

Alan (DM): The bolt plunks off your armor and you are enveloped in a spray of color.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I want that crossbow.
John (Chuck): No you don't. I think every time you want something it turns out to be a class feature.

Alan (DM): The drow captain draws his rapier-
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'm sure he does.
Alan (DM): -and tries to stick it right between your pretty... eyes.

Ed (Shumana): Unless he bolts.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That wasn't funny for what you said, it was funny for how you said it. Which means it ruins the quote page, you asshole!

Alan (DM): Wow, I'm just going in circles.
John (Chuck): Well, it is a round tower.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Wait, wait, should we write that down? János just corrected someone's math.

Gordon (Ibrahim): A buff cleric is going to be showing up soon, though.
Doc (Viggo): That's why I have silence. I had two and now I have a wand. (in buff cleric voice) "I'm so-" (in normal voice) "No, you're not. *points right* Nor are you, *points forward* and you're not again."

Alan (DM): I'd like to point out I've now deployed all the drow counters available to me.

Alan (DM): He auto-magically misses.

Doc (Viggo): I've got temporary hit points I've got to use up, so bring it on.
Alan (DM): He threatens you! He auto-confirms! "Guys, come back, I'm turning the tide!"

Doc (Viggo): Those other guys are only going to die tired; let 'em run.

Doc (Viggo): It's worth remarking, again, that the party voted 5-1 to storm this drow citadel. It's also worth remarking that we voted unanimously that this is the stupidest thing we've ever done as a party.

Alan (DM): That would make me more comfortable.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm here to make you more comfortable, Alan. And kill your NPCs. Mostly to kill your NPCs.

Alan (DM): This is when things stop being humorous and become dangerous again.

Brooke (on telephone): Okay, I'm just warning you: monkeys and midgets. [apparently in response to her mother's suggestion that Alan serve as wedding planner for her and Gordon]

Gordon (Ibrahim): Alan- No, I will not do that. I will do that next round.
Alan (DM): Then shut the hell up.

Alan (DM): The good[-aligned] people take 24 points of damage, save for half.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I don't think either of them failed.

Alan (DM): He's... still kicking.
Doc (Viggo): That's what I figured. But that's what the next round's for.

Alan (DM): It's going to take a moment while I figure out what all the other people in the world are doing. Because believe it or not, you haven't seen everyone yet.
John (Chuck): Why don't you just restrict yourself to those in the citadel.

Gordon (Ibrahim): This is ridiculous.
Alan (DM): I've already thought that several times.

Doc (Viggo): I hit AC 22 again, but not in a threatening way... as much.

Alan (under his breath): This is just ridiculous.
Ed (Shumana): There's that 'ridiculous' word again. I've been hearing it all evening.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Tell me, John, does it feel strange supporting a door instead of trying to break it down.
John (Chuck): It's kind of worrying. What's also worrying is that I'm doing this to keep out bad things while ignoring the giant tiger next to me.

Doc (Viggo): We've almost been here for nine hours, Gordon.
Gordon (Ibrahim): What an awesome combat!

Gordon (Ibrahim): [The fiendish tiger]'s been standing here for four rounds, going *mimics ineffectually flailing tentacles*.
Alan (DM): It's taken 48 attacks.

Alan (DM): Shoot the tiger... please. Put the damn thing out of its misery.

Alan (explaining to Ed why swarms are unaffected by weapon attacks): It's because you kill a spider: great; there's only 99,999 spiders left. You kill another spider; now there's only 99,998 spiders. It's like this game you're playing with the drow, times a hundred.

Alan (DM): You're going to stay and fight the swarm with your flaming dagger?

Alan (DM): So what happens is there's a constant waterfall as the spiders climb up the wall and fling themselves out at you.
János (Wupatki): That's not pleasant.

Alan (DM): Well that's lame. *glares accusingly at NPC character sheet* LAME SPELL!

Alan (DM): And now, the Drow JV Hand Crossbow team goes.

Doc (Viggo): "You guys are such babies." Aren't you glad I'm your cleric?

Doc (Viggo): This is fucking retarded.
John (Chuck): Join us in our hatred of swarms.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Everyone grab a body and we'll fly outta here.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): No, stick them in bags.
Gordon (Ibrahim): They won't fit. *indicates aperture of Bag of Holding with his hands*
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Then can't we just float and go through their shit?

Alan (DM): In a desperate exploitation of round structure...

John (Chuck): I pick up a body and stuff it in a bag. Next round I'll pick up a rapier.
Gordon (Ibrahim): "No pointy things in the portable hole!"
Alan (DM): *mimes sticking rapiers into bodies*


Alan (DM): You withdrew from the Demonweb Pits.
John (Chuck): Thank god that's over.
Doc (Viggo): Thank god we never have to go back there again.

Gordon (Ibrahim): John, did you want anything off the [loot] list?
John (Chuck): No, it was all crap.
Doc (Viggo): At no point was there a Sword of Door Bane.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I don't seem to be equipped for anything other than hurting people.

Doc (Viggo): I prepare to cast a relentless dispelling on the cloud.
Alan (DM): Can you see or touch the spell effect?
Doc (Viggo): I believe I can. I believe it might be in me right now.

Alan (DM): They are six-limbed insectile horrors with glowing red eyes.
János (Wupatki): *cracks up* I'm sorry; when Alan said 'horrors' I didn't hear the second syllable.

John (Chuck): I need to make 1200 GP a day.
Everyone: Wha-?
John (Chuck): To support my antitoxin habit.

Alan (DM): Strangely enough, the description of [the nycoloth] neglects to mention that it has four arms.

Alan (DM): You probably have a really good jump. In fact, it's hard to make monks that can't jump.
János (Wupatki): White monks can't jump.

Alan (DM): You appear to have dealt him a resounding blow.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Can you resound him about eight more times?

Gordon (Ibrahim): I do 41 damage.
Doc (Viggo): You said 41, not 4d1?
Gordon (Ibrahim): That would be four. I don't need to roll that.
John (Chuck): I like the concept of a d1; it has a certain probabilistic use.
Doc (Viggo): It's Heisenbergian.
Ed (Shumana): What about d0?
Doc (Viggo): d0? You're just going to create a hole in the universe if you use one of those.

John (Chuck): Can I say something so awful that I lose a knight's challenge?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Sure, but only if you can role play it.

John (On the nycoloth): We should ignore their pet dog and attack the muggers.
Doc (Viggo): This is reasoning you can't argue with. Not 'cause it's that good; you just can't argue with it.

Doc (Viggo): We didn't even get any loot.
John (Chuck): They didn't have anything. That's why they were mugging us.

Alan (DM): That was a strange, mutually incompetent fight.

Alan (DM): There's one mezzoloth corpse left behind.
Doc (Viggo): I take its head!
Alan (DM): Actually they don't really have heads. They just have eyes on their neck.
Doc (Viggo): That's okay, I can work around that. (dictating while writing) 'Mezzoloth eye holder.'

Alan (DM): The next two days pass without DM-motivated events.

John (Chuck): I think we should go back to the fane.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Remind me what's there.
Doc (Viggo): Seventy drow.

Doc (Viggo): Is there anywhere else with a greater concentration of drow?
John (Chuck): Well, let's go there... and kill all the drow. How many drow live there?
Alan (DM): Erelhei-Cinlu, an entire city of thousands and thousands of drow.
János (Wupatki): Shouldn't we ease into our mission of genocide? Start small and work our way up?

Gordon (Ibrahim): We don't even know for sure if [Eclavdra]'s a spellcaster.
Alan (DM): Sure you do. You know she's the high priestess of the all the drow on your home plane. Rather, she was until she got promoted.

Alan (DM): So did you manage to skip the part where you argue about whether this is a good idea... again?

Alan (DM): Can you lay these five guys out vigilantly in the guard room?

Doc (Viggo): I'm okay with dying here. At least I'll die with my boots on and heads in my backpack.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Why does everything have pseudopods?
Alan (DM): Well, it's a walking cocoon; how else is it going to attack you? (Pause) As it turns out, it also has a mouth.

Doc (Viggo): I say something horrible in the dark speech: (in horrible throaty voice) "Antiquing."

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Oh, I've got to start my count. 'Drow killed, Day Two.'
Doc (Viggo): Drow Killed 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Doc (to János): You can stab him in the ass... with your fist.

Alan (DM): He dies.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): 66.
Ed (singing): "66 drow left to kill in the fane, 66 drow left to kill. 14 priestesses, 17 subpriestesses, and... 35 guards left to kill in the fane."

Alan (DM): What do you want to do?
Ed (Shumana): I want to stand where Chuck is.
János (Wupatki): Well shove him out of the way!
Ed (Shumana): That won't work.
János (Wupatki): Come on! Half orc in full plate? How heavy can he be?

Alan (DM): I'm going to do corpse management in a moment.
Ed (Shumana): That's the kind of thing we outsource in large engagements.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Is [the web golem] pounding on the door?
Alan (DM): Not that you can tell.
János (Wupatki): It probably knows better than to pound on things, 'cause it's sticky.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I've still got a move action. Does anyone need anything picked up, or moved?
János (Wupatki): Can you help me move a couch?

Alan (DM): You're gonna get dumb rule rulings when you try to do something dumb.

Alan (DM): "I could turn invisible or give you [a cloak worth] 10,000 gold to forget I'm here."

Ed (Shumana): Oh, this is the round my invisibility expires.
Doc (Viggo): Then set your real mini out. Do you even remember what you look like anymore?

János (Wupatki): I open the trapdoor.
Alan (DM): There appears to be someone standing on it.
János (Wupatki): ...I open harder.

Alan (DM): You don't destroy the trapdoor, but you've made it structurally unsound to stand on. And several drow were standing on it.
Ed (Shumana): Do I get attacks of opportunity as they fall past me?
Alan (DM): Wupatki does.
János (Wupatki): And I have combat reflexes.

Ed (singing): "Purple rain..."

John (Chuck): Can I negate the penalty on my next challenge if I attack with my eyes closed? Just to make it sporting?

Ed (Shumana): They were struck by a monk while falling 15 feet.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's gotta be demoralizing.


John (Chuck): Plan 3 is the stupid one.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Not just stupid; actively retarded.

Alan (summarizing Plan 3 to János): Because you've been the sole voice of reason in arguing about not going here, the others are contriving for you to become the only casualty.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I have a strange question.
Alan (DM): I am prepared to give you a strange answer.

János (Wupatki): I'm a monk; I can't help. I can only solve problems that I can punch in the face.
John (Chuck): Amen to that.

John (Chuck): But it's a siege engine, so to use it it may not be an attack roll, it may be a Profession: Siege Engineer check.
Alan (DM): It'll be halfway between that.
János (Wupatki): Hobby: Siege Engineer.

Gordon (Ibrahim): So now something horrible happens.
Alan (DM): Well, now Ti'Ani acts.

Doc (Viggo): Can I become prone as a free action to try and free up some space?

Alan (DM): AC 9.
Doc (Viggo): I was right! We're facing off against the 'we're-here-for-college-credit' drow interns.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Why do you gotta be all on us like shit?
Doc (Viggo): I'll tend to you later when you're hurt.

Gordon (Ibrahim): How's your counter?
Brooke (Ti'Ani): 52 drow left.
János (Wupatki): We're almost halfway!

Alan (DM): Is everyone okay going over to the other tower?
János (Wupatki): As the lone voice of dissent, I say "It's too dangerous!"
Ed (Shumana): Aren't you still standing in the silence?

Alan (DM): There's apparently a cover over this bridge.
John (Chuck): 'Cause you wouldn't want the beating sun or rain...?

Brooke (Ti'Ani): What's in the armoire?
Alan (DM): Drow clothes. One of you was proposing that the point of this incursion was to root through Eclavdra's frilly underthings. Well, here's your chance.

Doc (Viggo): How much do we really know about the kinky sex practices of the drow and how much of it is just wishful thinking?

Gordon (Ibrahim): There aren't 99 drow here The brochure fucking lies.

Doc (Viggo): When Llolth was really high one day she decided to make [lhosk].
John (Chuck): Well, the artist who drew it said one day, "Well, gorillas are hairy and tarantulas are hairy, and they both live in the jungle, and we haven't done that yet."

Alan (DM): They appear to be gorilla torsos on giant spider bodies.
Doc (Viggo): Oh god, Gary Gygax has been here, and he's mated with something again!

Gordon (Ibrahim): Where are you going?
Doc (Viggo): Just out into the middle of the room.
Ed (in Latino accent): "Hello, people, I am your new target."

Ed (Shumana): Hey, hasty man, are we hasted yet?

Gordon (Ibrahim): I hate emo drow.
Doc (Viggo): "Stop cutting yourself, stop cutting yourself."
Gordon (Ibrahim): That was dark.
Doc (Viggo): There's a fine line somewhere in this world, and I have no idea where it is.
Alan (DM): Remember that bump you felt about 10 years ago? That was the line.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I... cast three spells.
Doc (Viggo): Holy shit, how do you do that?!

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Doc, how bad do you look?
Doc (Viggo): I have 18 hit points.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Doc has a very precise measure of how bad he looks.
Doc (Viggo): I'm not gonna fuck around with this roleplaying shit right now.

Alan (DM): The question is, if you're held and you're dying, do you fall down?

Brooke (Ti'Ani): He takes 30 points of damage, unless he's an evil outsider.
Alan (DM): No.
Ed (Shumana): He's an evil insider.

Gordon (to Ti'Ani): "Either we're casting remove curse on you or carrying you out of here."
Alan (DM): It's not like she's heavier; she's just weaker.
Gordon (Ibrahim): You could take off all your clothes.
Ed (Shumana): *smirks*
Gordon (Ibrahim): Pervert!
Ed (Shumana): You gotta remember, I'm playing a woman in this game.
János (Wupatki): Yeah, that just makes it hot.

Gordon (standing behind other PCs): I have cover from the lhosk?
Alan (DM): Yes. Though there is a feat that would let them...
János (Wupatki): Reach-around?

Alan (DM): He shoots more rays at you.
Ed (Shumana): More rays that do ability damage?
János (Wupatki): No, the eels.

Alan (DM): So something bad happened to him and his touch AC went up 5 points. Let me redo my math.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Is this charisma-based, John?
Doc (Viggo): Is that where you're a Viking?
János (Wupatki): No, it's where he's a half-orc.

Alan (DM): The drow captain says "There's a ball of acid humping my leg."

Gordon (singing): "Joy to the world, the room is getting clearer."

Gordon (Ibrahim): I thought three area effect spells on a swarm would kill it. I'm sorry, I was horribly wrong.
Doc (Viggo): These swarms are in nuke-them-from-orbit-it's-the-only-way-to-be-sure territory.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I magic missile the mook.
Alan (DM): From the swarm?
Doc (Viggo): That's so you.

John (Chuck): That means we've succeeded in our objectives.
Doc (Viggo): Against all odds!


Ed (Shumana): Do you ever put on necro-puppet shows? "Hi, I'm the head of a dead drow."
Doc (Viggo): No. I have necro-tea parties, but those aren't nearly as interesting.

John (Chuck): That takes a throat slot.
Doc (Viggo): A feat?
János (Wupatki): Feats should take boot slots.

János (Wupatki): You're looking at me, so I guess I should be paying attention.
Alan (DM): Well you do have professional interests in putting things in alphabetical order.
János (Wupatki): Yes, Alan, yes I do.

Alan (DM): Crushing despair.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's a suck fourth level spell.
Alan (DM): I know, I just wanted to say "crushing despair."
Doc (Viggo): Yeah, we picked up on that.

John (Chuck): I'm gonna go looking for that priestess [LeShawn Sonj].
Alan (DM): But not for any good reason, I suspect.
Ed (Shumana): The sex is good.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Yes, but it's hard to roleplay with your DM. Or at least awkward.

Alan (DM): John's amused by what he's typing.
John (Chuck): 'Information borker.'
Alan (DM): He trades information, but only in fake Swedish.

John (Chuck): Hey, everyone, look at my shiny sword. It's dripping now.
János (Wupatki): Did you just get your sword shined?
Gordon (Ibrahim): It's still dripping. It's all your fault, János; you took me down this road!

Ed (Shumana): Do you really have three fingers?
János (Wupatki): Well according to my mini, which is canon...

Gordon (Ibrahim): Why is it always sex with you?
Doc (Viggo): It isn't. Sometimes it's head-lust.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'm glad those are different things to you.
Doc (Viggo): My perversions take many different forms.

Ed (parodying Rule of Three): Does anyone want a Coke, a soda, a pop?

Alan (DM): I have no idea how this is supposed to work.
John (Chuck): Do you wanna switch? You could run Chuck.

Doc (Viggo): Can we make a 'find sucker' check?
Alan (DM): That is 'gather information.'
Doc (Viggo): Dammit!

Alan (as LeShawn): "For while I am zealous in my pursuit of demons I am not stupid."
John (Chuck): "That's where I have you at an advantage."

Alan (DM): You can find a portal that comes out near Zelatar, on a neighboring plane called...
Ed (Shumana): Oh Shit.

Gordon (Ibrahim): How do you activate the portal?
Alan (DM): You make a trumpeting sound with your lips.
Gordon (Ibrahim): And does it lead back?
Alan (DM): Sometimes.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I hate the Abyss.

Ed (Shumana): Why does the internet hate me?
Alan (DM): Probably for the same reason everyone else hates you.
Ed (Shumana): I never called the internet's mother a whore.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Someone else said something offensive. I just want you to notice that it wasn't me.
John (Chuck): Notice it was funny when he said it.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I bet none of us speak their language.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I speak abyssal, celestial, infernal...
Doc (Viggo): "I listened to a lot of Slayer as a child; that's really all it takes."

Alan (as a hezrou): "You came through the one-way portal from Sigil. Wonderful! You are my slaves now. If you do not resist, I will not brand you."
János (Wupatki): As a tattooed monk, I'm pretty okay with being branded.

Alan (DM): He utters a word so blasphemous you can't even believe it.
John (Chuck): "Belgium."

Alan (DM): I'm sorry, I appear to be terribly well prepared for this.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Well prepared?
Alan (DM): On an axis of being well prepared, I'm terrible.

Doc (Viggo): Aren't you glad you have a cleric who kills things instead of healing you?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Well if you'd healed me I would have killed him.

János (Wupatki): We're not genocidal, we just keep getting forced into it.
Alan (DM): "Their entire people attacked us!"

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Does anyone else speak Elvish?
Doc (Viggo): I'm like an ugly American in this game.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Apparently my kill-the-hezrou-with-an-overwhelming-amount-of-force-so-no-one-else-thinks-they-can-take-us failed.

Gordon (Ibrahim): He's prone and denied his dex bonus and János missed on a 12? Oh, full plate.
Alan (DM): If it had been a suit of full plate sitting on the ground he would still miss on a 12.

Alan (DM): AC 21?
Ed (Shumana): No, 'cause I'm hasted, bitch!
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm always happy to see my spells bringing joy to others.
John (Chuck): Didn't you see when I hit that guy 4 times? Except that I did half damage. Who makes a demon-killing sword out of mithril?

Alan (DM): Brooke, you're charged on AC ginormous.
Ed (Shumana): "Hah, well I have AC ginormous plus 1!"
Alan (DM): 36 is the ginormousosity.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): I gave [the armanites] the option [not to attack us].
Doc (Viggo): "Don't you guys have great big legs you could use to, I don't know, run the fuck away?"

Alan (DM): Centaurs are divided into top-halfers and bottom-halfers depending on their preferences.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): That didn't make any sense!
Alan (DM): It wasn't supposed to make sense, it was just supposed to sound dirty.

Ed (Shumana): You told me how much damage I took, and then Gordon was an asshole. Can you tell me again?

Doc (Viggo): I want a head count, literally.

Ed (dividing loot): Anyone here wear barding?

Gordon (Ibrahim): Thank you for healing the party, Doc.
Doc (Viggo): Well it was party wealth, so no big deal.
Gordon (Ibrahim): But you're the one who puts out, so thanks.
Doc (Viggo): Don't ever say that again.

Gordon (Ibrahim): 'Cause when there's a bunch of vrocks it's bad, 'cause they can do this dance. (singing in falsetto and dancing) Wooga-wooga-shimmy-shimmy-shake-bitch.
Alan (DM): Technically it's called the dance of ruin, but it might need to get renamed to wooga-wooga-shimmy-shimmy-shake-bitch.

Ed (Shumana): This might make getting into the city tough.
Doc (Viggo): Whatever; there hasn't been a problem we haven't been able to resolve by killing people.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Does dimension door work on this plane?
Alan (DM): There's no particular reason not to except that I hate you.

Doc (Viggo): This could kill every good member of our party, but I'm glad everyone thinks it's pretty.

John (Chuck): How do you say "snake for sale" in Abyssal?

Gordon (Ibrahim): Oh god, keep our guide from killing the manes.
John (Chuck): Why?
Gordon (Ibrahim): I don't know, it just seems like it'll simplify my day.

Alan (DM): You shrug off [the succubus's] efforts to ensorcel your mind.
Doc (Viggo): No means no!

Alan (as tiefling): "You haven't paid me enough to spend a few hours in the Inn of the Black Heart. It's a hoity-toity place for diplomats and such."
Doc (Viggo): "Great, 'cause those people are delicious." (aside) "Just trying to fit in, guys."


John (Chuck): The city of Zelatar is awesome and I totally want to live there... except that it's in Hell.

Gordon (Ibrahim): What's the greenery?
Alan (DM): That's razorvine growing along the walls.
Gordon (Ibrahim): So that's something I should rub my body against?

John (Chuck): "We're looking for this guy; can you tell us if he's here?"
Alan (as alkilith innkeeper): "We value the discretion of our clients."
John (Chuck): "Then I guess we don't need you to give him a message for us."

Gordon (Ibrahim): We need to make friends with this [alkilith].
Doc (Viggo): It doesn't have a head; I'm not interested.

Alan (DM): One of them is shoveling flaming muck out of the stables.
Doc (Viggo): From the nightmares? Awesome!

Alan (DM): One of the demons says "Would you like to rent one of the beasts?" Then there's a sharp telepathic rebuke: "We're not beasts!"

Gordon (Ibrahim): Wow, the elf, who has the longest lifespan, has the shortest attention span.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Y'know what's funny: that's really funny.

Alan (DM): What language do you wish to use for this communication?
Doc (Viggo): Well, let's go with Common because that seems to be the one I know. "So, have you removed the heads of any humanoids lately?"

Doc (Viggo): I asked her a perfectly reasonable question for someone who eats humanoids.

Gordon (Ibrahim): This is fun; I could die.
Doc (Viggo): This is, interestingly enough, my definition of fun: Gordon could die.

Gordon (Ibrahim): "Hey Chuck and Wupatki and Shumana, can I bug you guys a moment?"
János (Wupatki): "You're doing it already."

János (Wupatki): Can we please accomplish something?

Alan (DM): My explanation may be more flippant than accurate.
John (Chuck): Those... are the best kind.

Alan (DM): One of [the succubi] says to you in a voice oozing with honey-
Gordon (Ibrahim): Good, that's how I like my ladies. Wait, that's not a lubricant.

John (Chuck): "Do you have any rope?"
Alan (DM): They gesture to their revealing outfits and say "We don't really have anywhere to keep much gear."
Gordon (Ibrahim): Gee, these girls need to put on more clothing.
János (Wupatki): Wow, things I never expected to come out of Gordon's mouth.

Alan (as succubus): "2000 gold now or we'll summon the guards."
John (Chuck): "We'll take it; give us the money!"

John (Chuck): "These bat-bitches aren't from around here and clearly don't know how dogs roll in the big city!"

Gordon (Ibrahim): He can teleport 50 pounds and himself.
Doc (Viggo): If he could teleport 50 pounds of himself it would be a lot different.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Is he coming with us?
János (Wupatki): The rutterkin, Felch?
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Yes, Felch.
Alan (DM): His name is Felp!
Gordon (to János): Don't make my girlfriend say 'felch.'

John (Chuck): What's that weird thing?
Alan (DM): That's a jumble of tackle/hoist components. Essentially it's just difficult terrain unless someone comes up with something clever to do with it.
Gordon (Ibrahim): So did you just issue a formal challenge to John on purpose, or was that an accident?

Doc (Viggo): What do I know about lamias?
Alan (DM): That's knowledge: nature or knowledge: the planes at a pretty severe penalty.
Doc (Viggo): I don't know anything then. They're friendly fey.
Gordon (Ibrahim): They just want to help.
Doc (Viggo): Like just about everyone in the Outer Planes, they just want to help. They want to help themselves.
János (Wupatki): To your spleen.

Alan (paging through Monster Manuals): John, what are the teleporting grapple-monkeys? Oh, here they are: bar-iguras.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): I'm just gonna fall.
Alan (DM): You don't want to catch the ledge?
Brooke (Ti'Ani): I want to be farther from these guys.
Alan (sarcastically): They might not be able to get down to you.
Doc (Viggo): The teleporting monkeys? Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen.

Alan (analysing the session): You did none of the ways to solve your problem, and then suddenly you did three of them simultaneously. Then you decided to run the final encounter six times, alone.

Alan (DM): Next session may begin before you've had the chance to rest.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I was going to rope trick.
Alan (DM): You think that's a bad idea, because they could track you to the rope trick and then an entire city of demons would have the entire night to figure out how to get to you.

Alan (DM): You could probably find a portal to the Infinite Staircase.
János (Wupatki): That sounds like good exercise and a bad way home.


John (Chuck): Did we kill anything last session?
Alan (DM): You killed a couple babau.
Gordon (singing): Ba-ba-ba-bau-bau-bau, ba-ba-ba-bau...
Alan (DM): They were CR 5 stableboys.

John (Chuck): Then there's the River Styx.
Alan (DM): Which, unlike the River of Salt, is not made of sticks.

Alan (DM): So those who failed become shaken.
Doc (Viggo): Not stirred.

Doc (Viggo): It bites through your armor like it's going out of style.
János (Wupatki): Not my velour armor!

Gordon (Ibrahim): Whatever you do, you're not going to move up, though.
Doc (Viggo): How do you know that?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Because I know you're not an idiot.
Doc (Viggo): Wait! What have I ever done to make you think I'm not an idiot?

Alan (singing): Viggo! Viggo Las Vegas!

Doc (Viggo): I deific vengeance [the charnel hound] because it does not have a head, it just possesses the heads of other things.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Why are you giggling, János?
János (Wupatki): I have 8 hit points!

Alan (DM): You are standing on a featureless wasteland next to a huge pile of decomposing corpses.
Doc (Viggo): I'm looting!
Alan (DM): The problem is the corpse pile is deeper than detect magic can penetrate. Detect magic penetrates 3 feet of soft earth, and corpses count as soft earth.

John (Chuck): We should keep moving, and keep our eyes open for a terrain feature bigger than one square.

Alan (DM): You come over a small and tactically irrelevant rise...
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's how I like 'em: small and tactically irrelevant.

Alan (DM): [The abyssal giants] each wear a necklace of human skulls...
Doc (Viggo): Yeah, yeah, yeah; who doesn't?

Ed (putting initiative cards in order): Wow, I've got a straight flush!

Gordon (Ibrahim): You should see what other immunities they have: my spell list.

Alan (DM): He confirms on AC... math.

Doc (Viggo): I'm going to fly-run.
John (Chuck): Flrun.
Ed (Shumana): Flun.
Alan (DM): *makes airplane noise*

Alan (DM): I wonder if they can make pits at the bottom of other pits.

Ed (Shumana): I turn visible and surprise attack... at AC 15.
Alan (DM): You appear with a rapier looking sheepish?

Alan (DM): They can do strange things in their own holes.
*pause* Gordon (Ibrahim): I would like to point out for the record: me walking away from that comment.

Alan (DM): He threatened, but apparently János is revising his AC. But then I'm going to re-roll the confirmation. You don't get a free ride. *rolls* He misses.
Ed (Shumana): You get a free ride!
Alan (DM): Well he had to face the dice again. He had to stand tall before the wagon.

Alan (reading the description of the Styx boatman): "Only his red glowing eyes show signs of life."
John (Chuck): You call that signs of life?

Alan (DM): You go to a temple and mooch off their consecrate in the lobby?

Gordon (Ibrahim): Wow, there's a huge park near [John's new house].
János (Wupatki): I smell LARPing!

Alan (attempting to turn attention back to gaming): Can you beat someone to death, John, now that you have a house? Two houses, really.

Alan (DM): These guys are just walking treasure, aren't they? This was not an appropriately CR-ed encounter.

Doc (Viggo): The spider had barding? No one's going to want to buy that that we don't already want to kill.
Gordon (Ibrahim): So we sell it to them, then kill them.
Doc (Viggo): Why didn't we just kill him to take his money?


John (Chuck): I'm gonna go find LeShawn Sonj.
Alan (DM): You're inviting her along on this excursion?
John (Chuck): It seems like that's the only thing we could do that she'd be interested in me for.

Alan (DM): I'm ready to lay down a map and kill you all as soon as you say you're ready.

Alan (DM): I don't use the initiative cards all that much, but I like having them as a security blanket.
Ed (Shumana): Awww.
János (Wupatki): He nestles under them at night.

Doc (Viggo): Do you need this [book] open?
Gordon (Ibrahim): No, why?
Doc (Viggo): I plan to put a sandwich there and eat it.

John (Chuck): What did LeShawn Sonj say?
Alan (DM): You didn't have a chance to talk to her directly. You left a message saying 'Killing all the demons you ever wanted next Thursday. Interested?'

Alan (laying out a map): Okay honkies and honkettes, look away a moment.
Doc (Viggo): Oh, hey, a sandwich!

Alan (DM): *Lays a huge counter down in the room we just teleported into*
Gordon (Ibrahim): One of those!
János (Wupatki): What is it?
Gordon (Ibrahim): A problem.

Alan (DM): Then the round counter kills everyone...
Ed (Shumana): Augggh!
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Yay!
Alan (DM): Then true resurrects you as a free action.

Alan (DM): So you open the Black Gate by saying the password in the Dark Speech?
Gordon (in demonic voice): Antiquing.
Alan (DM): Everyone shudders at the thought of driving through quaint little New England villages.

Alan (DM): There's one thing worse than antiquing, though it can be better. Gallerying.
Ed (Shumana): What is gallerying?
János (Wupatki): Looking at art you can't afford.

Gordon (Ibrahim): To the right is the hunting beasts and to the left is the molting chamber.
John (Chuck): We should go to the molting chamber and get them while they're still molting.

Ed (singing): Do you know the molting man, the molting man, the molting man...

Alan (DM): That won't help when billions of dispels go off.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Doc alone has billions and billions of dispels.
Doc (Viggo): I'm the Carl Sagan of fuck-you.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): But John's a ninja.
John (Chuck): I'm a ninja tank.
Ed (Shumana): "I'm an Abrams M1 Ninja."

Alan (DM): Clever boy.
Ed (Shumana): I'm a girl.
Alan (DM): But you're the clever boy whispering in her ear.

Alan (DM): Gordon, that man shot you for inadequate damage!

John (Chuck): Is anyone in our party in trouble?
Ed (Shumana): I haven't moved since combat started.

Alan (DM): I suspect this man's days are numbered. And the number is in very small fractions of a day.

Alan (DM): What's he going to do with his hit point?
Ed (Shumana): His hit point?
Alan (DM): He's going to love it and pet it and call it George.
Doc (Viggo): That's from Of Mice and Men. You'd like it 'cause they kill puppies.
John (Chuck): That rather strangely went from out-of-character to in-character.

John (Chuck): Assassinate him? That would be dishonorable.
Doc (Viggo): Tell you what. You wait here and we'll go in and fight him honorably. Give him some coffee, make sure he's wide awake, make sure his weapon is in reach, and then you can come in and examine the body and assure yourself that we didn't stab him in the back.

Alan (DM): The first thing that happens is the drow lounging in the corner looks up and shouts "Outsiders!"
János (Wupatki): "No, we're here to kill outsiders."
Alan (DM): In elven, 'outsiders' who are from another plane and 'outsiders' who are from somewhere else sound different.

Doc (Viggo): Ow.
Alan (DM): What?
Doc (Viggo): Ow.
Alan (DM): Oh, you're just indicating your general displeasure.
Doc (Viggo): Also I'm hurt and someone should heal me... and that someone is me.

János (Wupatki): So the closest spider is 15 feet in the air and those are on the ceiling also?
Alan (DM): The ceiling is kind of sloped, so they're on the wall/ceiling.
János (Wupatki): Anyway they're safe from monks.

Alan (DM): Shumana, what would you like to do in this battle of wits.
János (Wupatki): Against the giant spiders?
Ed (Shumana): I move up and cast ray of stupidity.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Dire hook spiders have evasion?! Someone cloud kill these fuckers.

John (Chuck): I like how you're constantly cocky about things you aren't all that good at, [Gordon].

Doc (Viggo): I hit AC 32.
Ed (Shumana): That's so good you might have missed.

Alan (DM): I didn't mean to taunt [János] into the pit trap, I swear to god.

Alan (DM): He's going to shoot a spine at Shumana, and by spine I mean-
Ed (Shumana): Fang. And by Shumana you mean...

Alan (DM): You could also set the webs on fire.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): That seems bad.
Alan (DM): There are rules for how bad it is.

Alan (DM): So we're done for the day. Everybody else is sitting around like we're still gaming, which is creeping me out.


Gordon (Ibrahim): János, you're alive!
János (Wupatki): Surprise.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That means my assassins failed again.
Ed (Shumana): Sorry. I'll try harder next time.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm not going to keep you on retainer if you keep failing to kill János.
Ed (Shumana): Well you gotta remove the restriction that I can only use Nerf weapons.

Ed (Shumana): I thought of something I want to buy with party funds.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Well we're in the middle of a harpoon spider lair, so merchants are scarce.

Alan (rolling handfuls of dice): I'm just gonna do this much damage and whoever survives, wins.

Alan (DM): Gordon, don't! Look it up in six hours.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'll look it up if I want.
Alan (DM): Then you may not tell anyone the answer for six hours. You also may not mime or instant message or communicate the answer to this question in any other way.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Does anyone need healing?
John (Chuck): I'm unhurt; I spent the entire combat in a pit.

Alan (DM): You come to another junction: you can go right or you may go straight.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Fucking map!

Gordon (Ibrahim): Remember we're just exploring until we run out of juice for the day.
Doc (Viggo): Also Gordon is Lawful Extinctionist.

Alan (DM): That's how rogues find traps when they're out in front; they make their reflex saves. And since they have evasion they don't fall halfway into the pit.

Doc (Viggo): I've also memorized break enchantment. Maybe if we fight mummies. Bam! No more mummy rot... That's when I kick it up a notch.

Alan (DM): Then it poisons you.
Doc (Viggo): Which I'm immune to. Washing harmlessly into my bloodstream.
Gordon (Ibrahim): "Thank you for injecting fluids into me. I was dehydrated."

Gordon (Ibrahim): You should steal its ability to live. It's an extraordinarily ability.
Ed (Shumana): The problem is, when that disappears in 10 rounds, what happens to me?

John (Chuck): I move there.
Alan (DM): Do you move in the obvious fashion?
Ed (Shumana): "I crab-walk there."

Gordon (Ibrahim): You don't have a cell phone, do you?
Ed (Shumana): Yeah I do.
Gordon (Ibrahim): János: you don't have a cell phone.
János (Wupatki): Yes I do.
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm the only one without a cell phone!
Alan (DM): I don't have one. I'm thinking of buying one.
Ed (Shumana): I've got a broken one if you wanna pretend.

Gordon (Ibrahim): You should do that every round; we'd win more combats.
Doc (Viggo): If I had that kind of control over space and time I wouldn't be playing with you.

Alan (DM): Either that means "You finish writing this character," or this guy owns land.
Ed (Shumana): That's actually stock options in purple.
Doc (Viggo): Did you check the Dow Jones Chromatic before we entered the Demonweb Pits? Purple is up fifteen!

Doc (Viggo): That's the original reason I was collecting heads, so if we had a question later I could just cast speak with dead. Then I completely forgot that for over a year, and I was just like "Auggh, give me the head!"

Ed (Shumana): Have we opened a planar rift?
Doc (Viggo): I shove my bag of holding in the portable hole and throw it through the door. What happens?

John (Chuck): I cut a hole in the passageway wall.
Alan (stares at adventure text): Your soul is forever forfeit to Lolth's power.

Alan (DM): I would feel more guilty if it didn't mean you'd be able to clean your house better.

János (Wupatki): For the record, I'd just like to point out that Chuck was just killed trying to deal with a door.

Gordon (Ibrahim): We have two thieves, two primary spellcasters, and a monk. We can't kill anything anymore!
John (Chuck): Yay, I was useful!

Ed (Shumana): Should I swap out?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Well you and János strike me as...
János (Wupatki): The most extraneous characters?


Alan (DM): If you remember, at the end of last session you returned to Sigil with the body of Chuck Doorkicker. After a brief period of confusion in which you talked to a sage who didn't know anything, you found out it was possible to raise him.

Alan (DM): The Aspiral Desert is inhabited by drow who, rather than living underground, live in giant windowless structures of mud and brick.
Gordon (Ibrahim): They build them at night?

Alan (DM): You rest one final time before your final thrust into the heart of the Demonweb.
Gordon (Ibrahim): *thrusts out groin*
Alan (DM): That's not the heart, Gordon.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Well, if they were kneeling...
Doc (Viggo): That's still not the heart.

Ed (examining an invitation to the demon council): Is that Lolth's signature?

Ed (Shumana): How many gods do we feel like pissing off today?
Doc (Viggo): All of them.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Are we demonlords? I don't think I detect as evil enough.
Doc (Viggo): "I'm just having a neutral day."

Alan (DM): He also mentions that the way to get to Thanatos is to trace a skull-
János (Wupatki): If only we had a skull to trace!

Alan (DM): ...where you meet a group of beautiful drow women.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's how I like my drow women. We hit on them.
Doc (Viggo): It's a matriarchal society; they hit on you if they feel like it.

Alan (DM): There's one question we forgot to cover; did you invite LeShawn Sonj to join you or not?
Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm against it, Chuck is for it.
Alan (DM): Any other opinions?
Everyone: *silence*
Alan (DM): János, did you bring a mini?
János (Wupatki): Dammit!
Alan (DM): That settles it.

Alan (DM): Lolth has promised to kill any demon who settles a dispute here with violence.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): Well, that shouldn't be a problem for us.

Ed (Shumana): Well, we're not trying to settle a score here; we're trying to create one, aren't we?

Alan (DM): Oh right, this is the block text that doesn't make any goddamn sense, so I'm not going to read it.

Gordon (Ibrahim): That's a lot of creatures.
János (Wupatki): They're all big too.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Suddenly an 80-foot radius spell doesn't seem so bad.

Alan (DM): You'd miss the people in the very front of the room. I've checked.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): Remember, the prophecy said "Kill the Queen in her Black Pearl." It didn't say anything about anyone else.
János (Wupatki): There's value-added.

Ed (Shumana): Remind me not to cast detect magic or my head would probably explode.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Are all the drow here female?
Alan (DM): Actually that drow over there looks familiar, and male. You've already killed him twice.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Boy, he's going to be pissed when we kill him a third time.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I was hoping to kill him with the 91 points of cold damage, and that I didn't really scares me.

Ed (Shumana): So you told me what he's allergic to- or, not allergic to...
Doc (Viggo): He cannot eat shellfish or ground nuts.

Ed (Shumana): How come when I try to look stuff up in the Player's Handbook I can't find it?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Because you're a moron.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I'm sorry, that was unnecessarily flippant and harsh.
Ed (Shumana): You tore my heart out, put it in a blender, drank it, and shat it all over me.

Alan (DM): Have you resolved your condundrum?
Gordon (Ibrahim): Who had a conundrum?
Alan (DM): Ed started madly flipping through books after moving.

Brooke (Ti'Ani): I tumble at a 41.
Gordon (Ibrahim): That's a big ol' fuck-you.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Is [Obox-ob] chitinous?
Alan (DM): He's a thicket of spidery limbs. You can look at his art and try to figure out which bits are him and which bits are his splotchy background, because your characters are also having this problem.

Ed (Shumana): How do we blame this on Lolth?
Doc (Viggo): She failed to form a coalition of the willing. It's the same way we blame things on George W. Bush.

Doc (Viggo): The earth elemental mopes as a full-round action, and a partial action 'cause he's hasted.

Ed (Shumana): Anytime we want to engage this half of the room, I'm ready.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Remember how Alan said this could be a 45-minute game; that's when the 45-minute timer would start.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I don't know where Chuck's languages are listed.
Ed (Shumana): Chuck speaks Common and Door.

Doc (Viggo): I have 5 scrolls of heal. Just shoot us. I don't care; kill the swarms.

Ed (Shumana): Looks like the large-scale destruction is about to begin.

Alan (DM): She casts bear's endurance.
Doc (Viggo): I did that earlier! I was casting bear's endurance before it was cool.

Alan (DM): Dude! [The bebilith] gets telepathy. Not Common, though; he can't speak aloud in Common.

Doc (Viggo): "Travel the Outer Planes, meet interesting people, set them on fire, take their heads."

Alan (DM): This swarm disperses.
Everyone: Yay!
Alan (DM): Well, it's unintelligent and blind; I don't know what it does.

Alan (DM): As Chuck moves toward the frost giant, it exclaims "Thief! You stole Kostchtchie's sword!"
Brooke (Ti'Ani): The weapons we picked up exist solely to spark fights here; they have no usefulness after all!
Doc (Viggo): "No! You have the Holy Letter Opener of Thaas! You stole it from his sacred desk in the Temple of Office Work!"

Alan (DM): This is where this session could run long, this awkward 1 opponent at a time thing.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Better than all at once.
Ed (Shumana): I think that would have gone better.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Really?
Ed (Shumana): Daylight, daylight, earthquake, daylight, then we run away.

Doc (Viggo): I can only cast cure moderate wounds 46 more times. Don't do that again!

Alan (DM): Is this worth doing? I asked me that already.
Gordon (Ibrahim): You're right, you asked you that already.

Alan (DM): I've got to read this if-you-can-somehow-remember-this-in-the-middle-of-a-fight text...

Ed (Shumana): Are we doing this in the same order as we got the weapons?

Gordon (zaps Brooke with static electicity): I had to ground out before touching my computer.

János (Wupatki): All the factions are going to start fighting each other over who gets to stomp us into the ground.
Alan (DM): That's almost what I'm considering.

Doc (Viggo): This is gonna suck.
János (Wupatki): Our souls out.

Doc (Viggo): You are healed.
János (Wupatki): I'm so happy I propose to Viggo.
Doc (Viggo): Don't ever propose to me again.

Gordon (Ibrahim): I just thought of something really crass and I didn't say it.
Doc (Viggo): What, you want a medal?

Alan (DM): There, does this look like a final encounter?
Doc (Viggo): The last room looked like a final encounter!

Alan (DM): I have some block text to read you. Gordon's gonna love the beginning of it. "The doors shut by themselves behind you."

Alan (DM): I'm making a check for something you don't know about, and I shouldn't call attention to that, but it's getting to be too late for that.

Alan (DM): You recognize this as the Hammer of Lolth, the destructive aspect of the deity. It kills you, poisons you, and then kills your poisoned corpse.

Alan (DM): I'm gonna bend the rules here, but it's the final encounter and I want to kill somebody.

Alan (DM): She casts feeblemind on you.
Gordon (rolls his save): I get a 35. My cock, her mouth.

Alan (DM): Oh, that's creepy. Chuck, please act to dispel that from my mind.

Gordon (Ibrahim): What's the worst thing she's gonna do to you? She's gonna poison you? She's gonna go through some of your temporary hit points?

Doc (Viggo): Does my action provoke?
Alan (DM): I assume so.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Wow, Alan's just desperate to kill somebody!

Alan (DM): [Lolth] goes down. *Pause* I didn't write it.

Ed (Shumana): *rolling to heal himself*
Doc (Viggo): Ed, you should really just ask me.
Ed (Shumana): I have enough wands to kill a horse!
Doc (Viggo): Then you should go kill horses!

Doc (Viggo): You should take some things from me. Take 2 oils of bless weapon.
János (Wupatki): Does it also moisturize my skin?
Doc (Viggo): You don't want to know how much it moisturizes you. You will find yourself uncommonly moisturized.
János (Wupatki): Will it make my children abnormally moisturized?
Doc (Viggo): Aren't you a monk, and took a vow of celibacy, like your fathers, and your forefathers before them?

Doc (Viggo): I spent 3 grand on a scroll; I'm fuckin' usin' it today.
Gordon (Ibrahim): We're not playing these characters anymore, what the hell?!

Doc (Viggo): You know what's funny: you catch more drow with vinegar than honey.
Gordon (Ibrahim): You don't catch them with purple?
Alan (DM): There are some purple vinegars.
János (Wupatki): You have to use the balsamic stuff.

Alan (DM): This council chamber might have to be condemned.
Doc (Viggo): It's clearly not up to code anymore.

Alan (DM): Clearly earthquake is not a spell, but rather some notes for someone who wants to write a spell.

János (Wupatki): If we want to loot, we're sure to have to fight a bebilith.
Ed (Shumana): What do we know about bebiliths?
Alan (DM): They destroy armor. You could bring back loot and sell it to replace your lost armor.
János (Wupatki): This one's mine.

Alan (DM): The room shifts precipitously, perhaps because most of the ceiling is now on the floor. Mist begins drifting ever so slowly into the chamber.
Gordon (Ibrahim): Okay, time to withdraw.

Doc (Viggo): Well, I think I got all the killing out of me.

Alan (sorting initiatives): Wait, Shumana's first? What's wrong here?

Ed (Shumana): 11.
Alan (DM): You are killed.
Brooke (Ti'Ani): We'll resurrect you when we get home.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Why is there a bodak here?
Doc (Viggo): That's just the extra kick in the teeth the writers wanted to get in.

Alan (DM): I should take Ed out of the initiative, otherwise I'll get depressed every time I say 'Shumana.'

Alan (DM): You die!
János (Wupatki): Damn you!
Alan (DM): Wow, he's cleanin' up and I'm having so much fun!

Brooke (Ti'Ani): How about you bring these guys back [from the dead] and let's get out of here.

Gordon (Ibrahim): Wow, that was a strange last encounter to throw at the PCs.

Alan (DM): There's this whole intrigue subset of this adventure that doesn't really work real hard to expose itself.

Alan (DM): Very strange; no one died until the last encounter, then two people dropped.