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Pirates of Cthulhu

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This is a completely original campaign in Doc's invented setting: a mostly oceanic world with scattered islands and small continents. All PCs are gestalt rogues. We are former crewmates who have come across a mysterious object which is pulling us into an eerie battle with dark forces beyond our ken. Nearly every session has brought us to the very brink of a TPK (total party kill).


Cadwallader Sloat
Reaper 3252: Anatole Reaper 3252: Anatole
A human druid. His elemental companion and summoned animals are ineffectual in combat, but help the rest of the party achieve their flanking bonuses.
3252: Anatole, Pirate

Grog Bloodfist
Hadozee Hadozee
A hadozee barbarian. A former dockworker who willingly joined a pirate crew, only to become the only survivor after a mysterious "fish-man" attack.
WOTC Star Wars: Wookie Commando

Melian Arnehla
Reaper 3140: Ollamiel Reaper 3140: Ollamiel
An aventi fighter. His quick temper got him thrown out of his home village, but his honesty got him thrown out of the Lantoch Navy.
3140: Ollamiel, Male Sea Elf



K.I.A.

Auntie Akosua: Survived 14 sessions
Crunch Waffle 0013: Adira Crunch Waffle 0013: Adira
A human wizard with a Caribbean accent. She likes to be called "auntie" and keeps a maternal eye out for the "boys" on her ship. The only party member with any hope of making a diplomacy check or understanding any of the factions or magical items we encounter. She sacrificed herself to destroy an evil artifact and several powerful enemies who had been bent on possessing it.
Crunch Waffle 0013: Adira, African Healer



Map


Famous Last Words


Doc (DM): That's one of the things that's gonna come up, as soon as one of you guys get dragged underwater.

Brooke (in Caribbean accent): "I be Akosua, though you may be callin' me Auntie Akos."
Doc (DM): I should remind you, don't give your characters an accent you can't maintain.
János (in New Zealand accent): Dud Oi mintion Oi'm a Kiwi?

Doc (looking up potential aquatic swarms): Minnow swarm.
János (Cadwallader): They'll nibble your toes!
James (Grog): Watch out.
János (Cadwallader): Dude! Candiru swarm.

Doc (DM): There aren't kobolds in this world, by the way.
Brooke (Akosua): Little packets of XP.

Doc (DM): One nice thing about the Lantoch Empire; they've managed to make a universal language on the one continent where people talk. As opposed to things which just bite and eat you, which are on the other continents.

Doc (DM): Action points are neat. Action points keep you from dying when horrible things happen to you. Which they will.

Peter (Mel): Any magical thing you can detect here?
Brooke (Akosua): Gee, why would the wizard cast detect magic?

Peter (Mel): I guess we should open it then. What's the worst that can happen?
Brooke (Akosua): Let me enlighten you.

Doc (DM): Does anyone have knowledge: nobility?
Brooke (Akosua): Why yes I do.
Doc (DM): Incidentally, if she dies you guys are screwed.

Brooke (Akosua): Can I search the statue? Maybe there's an opening somewhere.
Doc (as Captain Bill): "We all get a little lonely at sea, but we're in port now."

Doc (DM): He pulls on a winch-
János (Cadwallader): He pulls on a wench? I like this campaign.

Doc (DM): Does anyone have low-light vision?
James (Grog): I think you disqualified all the low-light races.

Brooke (Akosua): What doesn't kill you...
János (Cadwallader): What doesn't kill you, levels you.

Doc (DM): Nitrogen narcosis does not exist in D&D. The bends do not exist in this universe.
János (Cadwallader): They have monsters that do that for you.
Brooke (Akosua): The bends is when the kraken grabs you *gestures with hands* this way and this way and goes like this.
Doc (DM): When two creatures with a grapple check both succeed at the same time.

Doc (DM): Who's carrying the necklace now?
*everyone points at János*
Brooke (Akosua): We sold him down the river, like good pirates do.

James (Grog): I'm glad that three of us are carrying harpoons.

Doc (DM): But it has to do damage to do its harpoony wonderment.

Doc (DM): I suggest you fight something with a crappy reflex save if you want to do this more.

Doc (as Srinavasa): "Really, you meet and kill the most interesting people."

Brooke (Akosua): Well it looks like we got a lot of plot hooks, guys, but not a lot of loot.

Brooke (Akosua): You're just trying to turn us all into head collectors, I know it!

Doc (DM): Write that in your inventory: grave-touched ghoul gargoyle chunks.


Brooke (Akosua): I'm looking at this character and wondering if this is the right one, because there's nothing on it. Then I remember: oh right, we're third level.

Peter (Mel): We should go talk to Throat-Boy.
Doc (DM): Srinavasa; that's his name, Srinavasa.

Doc (as Srinavasa): "Undead are rising from their graves in greater and greater numbers. Which is just the opportunity enterprising young people adept at staying alive such as yourselves may wish to take."

James (Grog): I'm sure we all know how to swim, right?
Brooke & János (in unison): No, it's bad luck!

Brooke (Akosua): "You can call me your Auntie Akos."
Doc (as First Mate Bill): "I don't recall bein' related to ya."
Brooke (Akosua): "By the end of the trip you'll wish you were."
Doc (DM): "That sounded more like a threat than a nice thing to say, lady."

János (Cadwallader): "What think you two gentlemen of the trouble in Landsbrook?"
Doc (as salty dogs): "What trouble?" "Haven't you heard?"
Everyone: *confused looks*
Doc (DM): Sorry; remember I'm both of them. "What trouble?" *covers one eye* "Haven't you heard?"

Doc (on the counters he has drawn): God, these guys look like little horrid elves, and they're s'posed to be pirates.

Doc (DM): There's rigging but I'm not gonna draw it.
János (Cadwallader): The graphite won't stick.
Doc (DM): It's more cinematic if it shows up where you need it.

Doc (DM): There's no red sky this delightful morning... otherwise you'd have to take warning.

Doc (DM): Everyone but Grog hears the distinct sounds of something crawling up the ship.
James (Grog): How did I not hear that?
Doc (DM): You rolled a 1.

Doc (DM): Now you know his name: Gr'Ast.
János (Cadwallader): That sounds a lot like G-R-A-Z-apostrophe-Z-T.
Doc (DM): No, G-R-apostrophe-A-S-T.
János (Cadwallader): I hate D&D.

Peter (Mel): I assume that confirms.
Doc (DM): That confirms the shit out of the guy. Roll the damage; I just wanna see how much he explodes.

Doc (as Captain Carn): "Two weeks at sea waitin' for someone to rescue me."
János (Cadwallader): "Yeah, I know how that goes."
Peter (Mel): I think we've all been there.

Doc (DM): Sea devil teeth? They're not worth anything; but if you go into a rough bar, they're something you really want to have hanging around your neck.

Doc (DM): Then you spy your first aquatic gnome... as he yells profanities at you as you almost hit him with your ship.
Brooke (Akosua): They're so cute!

Doc (DM): They can see your harpoon; you don't sheath those.
János (Cadwallader): I keep it hidden down in my leather jacket, a trick I learned from Duncan MacLeod.
Doc (DM): You mean you have an extra just off-camera hand it to you?

Doc (DM): So the orc JV falchion squad begins.
Brooke (Akosua): I love the orc JV squads!

Doc (DM): Some of these guys' moves are pretty obvious.
Brooke (Akosua): Go around the fire.
James (Grog): I don't know; I think maybe some intelligence rolls should be made.
Brooke (Akosua): Everyone knows fire is bad.
Doc (DM): "Fire bad, beer foamy."

Peter (Mel): And again, I'm far more competent with my off-hand, evidently.

James (Grog): How much can I do at 0 hit points?
Brooke (Akosua): You can take a full round action, you just lose-
James (Grog): I five-foot step and attack!
Brooke (Akosua): Well, you get up from prone...
James (Grog): Whatever, I crawl; I don't care. *rolls* I threaten... and confirm on 20!

Doc (DM): Well, the first thing to know is these guys had real money. And they came here... in a ship.
Brooke (Akosua): We have a ship! Whoo-hoo!


Doc (DM): I think if anyone was going to try to communicate telepathically with the party, you would be the first one they'd try to contact.
James (Grog): By communicate, you mean mind control?

János (Cadwallader): "Eh, sane, mad, doesn't matter as long as the plants are growing."

Doc (DM): You open the chest. It appears to be full of blankets.
János (Cadwallader): Infected with smallpox!
Doc (DM): Make a spot check. Is it less than a thousand? Then you can't see the smallpox.

Doc (DM): This is ice chalk. Chalk you use to write on ice. Otherwise known as a grease pencil.
Peter (Mel): These guys were big hockey fans.

Doc (DM): The mahogany rods radiate a school of magic you're not familiar with, [Brooke].
James (Grog): What! That's not possible!
Doc (DM): It is possible. But I do want you to make a will save.

Peter (Mel): It's about 5000 gold.
János (Cadwallader): Well, as pirates our first job it to bury this somewhere.
Brooke (Akosua): I like the way you think.
James (Grog): I don't; I have to pay off my magic sword.

James (Grog): Did they make the campfire out of the wheel?
Doc (DM): Actually, there's no way of knowing that, but no.

Peter (Mel): That looks like spell components.
James (Grog): Can't we just find some swords or something?

James (Grog): "Troll!" 'Cause: troll.
Doc (DM): How declarative of you.

James (Grog): It could crawl over the other one. They're centipedes; they're cool with this sort of thing, being all creepy and undulatory.

Doc (DM): It seems strangely unhurt by the fire.
James (Grog): If I were a troll I would totally bring around with me giant centipedes that don't take fire damage. "Oh, you brought fire to hurt me? Well first you have to get through these!"

János (Cadwallader): 15 points of damage on the bugbear.
Doc (DM): Kicksploding him.

Peter (Mel): I think I should finish off this centipede.
James (Grog): I think you should take advantage of this [troll] blowing his attack of opportunity.

Doc (DM): ...and he rends for 5.
Peter (Mel): And it's action point time. I'm at -9.

János (Cadwallader): I can't believe how long an ape with 8 hit points can last.

János (Cadwallader): How long does Summon Nature's Ally III last? 4 rounds? He's probably been here longer than he should have.
Doc (DM): Yeah, the ape disappears in a blip of continuity.

Brooke (Akosua): Just because I'll never get to do this again... I go beat on the troll.


Doc (DM): We find our adventurers in hot pursuit of their rightful property.
Brooke (Akosua): Sort of.
Doc (DM): It's sort of your rightful property; I mean, you stole it fair and square.

James (Grog): It's naked!
Brooke (Akosua): It's a water elemental; of course it's naked.
James (Grog): It could have water clothes.

Doc (DM): The forest seems eerily quiet.
Brooke (Akosua): That's okay, that's way better than the trees talking to us.

János (Cadwallader): A quick note; this miniature is pretty delicate, so I'd just encourage folks to pick it up by the base whenever possible. *bumps miniature sharply with hand*

Brooke (Akosua): I vote we go that way because it'll be harder for Doc to draw.
James (Grog): He just has to draw the dragon's mouth.

Brooke (Akosua): It's sort of like the Farmer's Almanac of the Unseelie: you plant at this time, you burn humans at this time...

Doc (DM): János, you're hit at AC 16.
János (Cadwallader): That hits me.
Doc (DM): Doing... 1 point of damage.
James (Grog): He came up and slapped you.
Peter (Mel): "Whatchoo doin' in my cave?"

Doc (DM): The web is on fire near the center...
János (Cadwallader): The center or the centaur?
Doc (DM): Both.

Doc (DM): Don't mind the rats [that I'm petsitting].
Peter & János: *turn around to stare at the rats in their cage*
Doc (DM): What'd I just tell you about the rats?

Doc (DM): Grog cowers in fear.
János (Cadwallader): "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie/ O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"

James (Grog): I'm a barbarian with tumble, I have to be careful.

Doc (DM): Cadwallader?
János (typing): Hold on; James said something funny.

Brooke (Akosua): I have to say I feel very Jack Sparrow-esque; they're fighting over there and we're just grabbing loot and running.

Brooke (Akosua): "I believe we can come to some kind of understanding, Mr Large Gargoyle, sir."

Doc (as Mr Large Gargoyle): "Give me the Eye, then we will discuss an arrangement."
Peter (Mel): "I think the discussion should happen first."
Doc (DM): Then combat begins.

James (Grog): I attack the gargoyle in front of me. Wait! No, I rage and attack the gargoyle in front of me.

James (Grog): So we need to kill this thing this turn.

Doc (DM): Are you doing okay?
Peter (Mel): I have a hit point.

Doc (DM): This guy is, for all intents and purposes *flips counter over* a centipede.

Doc (DM): Wanna hear something awesome? His eyes are magic. Four of his fangs are magic, and something in his chest.
Brooke (Akosua): I'm not squeamish.

Doc (DM): It's a beautifully carved wooden bird.
János (Cadwallader): That's a strange thing to have in your chest.

Brooke (Akosua): "That goes in the body parts bag."

Doc (DM): They have fish hatcheries, and grow kelp and seaweed, and other aquacultural activities.
Brooke (Akosua): Aquacultural.
Doc (DM): That's a word I learned from János... I'm trying to make that sound like that's not a bad thing, but it's kinda hard.

James (Grog): It was 60 pounds of jewelry, 70 pounds of coins, and 40 pounds of meat.
János (Cadwallader): How much is the meat worth?
James (Grog): Priceless.

Doc (DM): The meat might actually be worth a good bit.
Brooke (Akosua): Ostrich? They've been hunting owlbears?
János (Cadwallader): Owlbears are delicious!

Peter (Mel): Is [the bag of coins] all gold?
Doc (DM): There are other metals.
János (Cadwallader): Tin. Tungsten.
Doc (DM): Thorium. Plutonium. Uranium.
James (Grog): That would be the worst adventure ever.
Doc (DM): You got all this loot, but it irradiates you and 5 years later you get cancer.
Brooke (Akosua): Things they don't talk about in the core books. You have to buy the Tome of Oncology.
Peter (Mel): Somehow I don't think that would sell well.

Brooke (Akosua): I have owl feathers. Those are mundane items, I just carry those around.
János (Cadwallader): I can also probably summon an owl.
Doc (as owl): "What's going on?" Yoink! "You son of a bitch!"
János (Cadwallader): "Dismiss."
Peter (Mel): Worst druid ever.

Doc (DM): The thing is, if you walk into a store with 60 pounds of jewelry, they're gonna know it's not yours.
János (Cadwallader): "All 25 of my grandmothers just died."

James (Grog): Fine, sell it... greedmonger.


Doc (DM): We're going to do a naval combat simulation. It's a simulation so that when you die, you don't really die.

Doc (DM): I could say, you step into a gnome simulation room and have to put on these special goggles...
James (Grog): You could call this one of our boat dreams. We should have to make a save to participate in game today.

János (Cadwallader): Wait, if this is a simulation then we don't get experience.
Doc (DM): Presumably. I may level you up just because I'm sick of you being at lower levels, but I wouldn't tell you that.

Doc (drawing): This is the evil hold and the evil quarterdeck.
James (Grog): You should give them moustaches.

James (Grog): Ram 'em. This doesn't matter anyway.
Peter (Mel): Yeah, I suppose we'll ram 'em.

Doc (DM): So what would the party, in the absence of Brooke the motivating leader, like to do?

Doc (DM): Can a druid wield a scimitar? It's metal.
James (Grog): Scimitars only! Scimitars are kosher for druids. Well, the druid version of kosher.
János (Cadwallader): Free-range.

Doc (DM): Trials by jury do not exist. You might wanna keep that in mind before you do anything illegal.

Peter (Mel): The "Bluehats," could that be the Navy?
János (Cadwallader): Or Captain Bluehat and his bloodthirsty gang of haberdashers.

Doc (as gnomish police secretary): "All right, gentlemen; picking up or dropping off?"
James (Grog): "Actually we'd like to make an appointment with the captain."
Doc (as police secretary): "Oh, you're not bounty hunters then?"
János (Cadwallader): Did our Mandalorian armor confuse you?

Doc (as police secretary): "You're going to want to go down the hall, turn left, take the- oh, you're too heavy for the elevator..."

Doc (as police secretary): "I should stamp your hands."
James (Grog): "Uh, I have black skin."

Doc (DM): He opens a vault door, behind which are four other vault doors.
Peter (Mel): "This is where we keep our vaults."

James (Grog): "I would say that unless Akosua has intimate knowledge of three-eyed hell fish, we should set course for Landsbrook."


Doc (DM): Does anyone remember what failed to happen last session?
János (Cadwallader): Anything!
Doc (DM): That's pretty close. I'm gonna give you full marks, there.

Doc (DM): In the absence of a strong leader, what would the party like to do? Aww, was I digging on you a little bit? Maybe I was.

Doc (DM): Before you set out on this trip, do you want to hire anyone?
James (Grog): You mean pay them?

Doc (DM): Let me go get the tactical map, 'cause it's not heroic if you're not killing someone.

Doc (DM): When a giant octopus comes out of the water...
James (Grog): All the way out of the water? 'Cause that would be creepy.

Doc (DM): Mel?
James (Grog): Jump in!
Peter (Mel): Yeah, I jump in.
James (Grog): I wasn't actually expecting you to do that.

Peter (Mel): I don't know how we'll flank this guy unless I jump in.

János (Cadwallader): I have a tactical question. If Grog and I are on either side of Mel, do we get a flanking bonus against the tentacle grappling him?
Doc (DM): The tentacle is a weapon, not a creature.

Doc (DM): You're gonna drop down and attempt to sunder the *makes air quotes* tentacle, the weapon. *Pause* The tentacle, *makes air quotes* the weapon. Sorry, I'm putting quotes around the wrong thing.

Doc (DM): Oh my god, you beat him.
James (Grog): YES! FUCK YOU, OCTOPUS!

Doc (DM): Wow, he sucks when he attacks you guys, I swear.
James (Grog): I am octopus-proof.

Doc (DM): Mel, you are grappled.
Peter (Mel): The only thing I can do without a grapple check is punch him.
Doc (DM): Do you have improved unarmed strike?
Peter (Mel): No.
Doc (DM): You can only deal nonlethal damage.
James (Grog): Knock out a giant octopus.

Doc (DM): Roll Akosua's acid damage.
János (Cadwallader): 5.
Doc (DM): That kills it.

Peter (Mel): How deep is the water here?
Doc (DM): How many miles deep is the water here?

Doc (DM): These are tough, maybe you could fight one of them. A baleen whale.
James (Grog): What would it attack us with?
Doc (defensively): It has a tail slap.
James (Grog): It's a baleen whale! Why would it fight us? We are not shrimp, or krill!

Peter (Mel): No one went unconscious; that may be a first.
Doc (DM): You seem like you're suddenly coming to the realization of how terrible I've been being to you guys.


Doc (DM): So I had an exciting and... awful day in a lot of ways, but I promise I won't take it out on you guys.
Alan (guy on couch): Take it out on their characters instead!

James (Grog): They let us into their secret underground lab.
Doc (DM): Into their not-secret-but-we-don't-let-people-in-here-every-day morgue.

Brooke (Akosua): ...there was a giant octopus; it's just like Popeye.
Doc (DM): Not really the feel I was going for.

Doc (DM): This is the night of the seventh day... of the campaign.
János (Cadwallader): Wait...
Doc (DM): I'm not kidding.
James (Grog): Busy week.

János (Cadwallader): My spot check was a 16.
James (Grog): I got an 11.
Peter (Mel): I got an 8.
Brooke (Akosua): "Look, I have toes!"

Doc (DM): Their ship, by the way, is a pinnace.
Peter (Mel): Like ours!
Doc (DM): And like that evil crew you never actually met.

Doc (as Captain of the Emma's Crabclaw): "There be a ship in these waters..."
János (Cadwallader): "Is it a very rich ship- I mean, what is notable about this ship?"
Doc (as Captain): "It be called The Last Light O' Man.
Brooke (Akosua): "Sounds ominous."

Peter (Mel): "Who mans it?"
Doc (as Captain): "Oh y'know, the dead, the damned, that sort of thing."

Doc (as Captain): "Do you happen to have any spare sailcloth?"
Brooke (Akosua): "We just might."
János (Cadwallader): We should sell some to them at usurious rates.
Doc (DM): Okay if you decide to do finance, your DM will punish you.

Doc (DM): Where are the rules in here on ship repair?
János (Cadwallader): They never thought it would come up.
Doc (DM): They just assume you run your ship into theirs.
Brooke (Akosua): Take theirs instead and just start over.
James (Grog): It's the Grand Theft Auto of sailing.

Brooke (Akosua): I'm confused. So, we sailed through a rift in space-time...
Doc (DM): No, not yet. Don't use your Star Trek: Voyager logic on me.

Doc (DM): The next day passes without incident, unless you guys decide to start killing each other.
Brooke (Akosua): I do need to level...

János (Cadwallader): Now that I can wild shape...
Doc (DM): "Now that I'm less concerned about drowning..."

Doc (DM): So the giant sea turtle actually goes over you as it plows along the ship in a sort of deadly Free Willy thing.

James (Grog): We're not actually piratey pirates. We've stolen, like, only one thing.

Brooke (Akosua): How big is a cog?
Doc (DM): Slightly larger than your ship.
János (Cadwallader): Time to trade up.
Peter (Mel): I for one could do with getting rid of these dreams.

Doc (DM): Anyone want to make a listen check?
János (Cadwallader): No; I plug my ears.

Doc (DM): They're yelling horrible curses at you in a tongue you know all too well... Common.

Doc (DM): Now everyone just acts simultaneously because the rules have totally failed.

James (Grog): It'll work perfectly when we stop on a dime, 'cause ships do that in this game.

Doc (DM): Reflex save! DC 15, Mr Gestalt Rogue. Don't embarrass yourself.

János (Cadwallader): Are we making a cat's cradle with harpoon ropes?

Doc (DM): You take 4 points of stabbity-stab damage.
Brooke (Akosua): Crap. I'm at half.

Brooke (Akosua): I killed something with a sword!

James (Grog): Are there any left around me that haven't taken damage, to your knowledge?
Doc (DM): No.
James (Grog): Is there one that looks particularly sassy?

Doc (DM): I have a liberal cocked die policy, just because I get to say 'cock.'

James (Grog): Five-foot step and flank with the hippogriff. In fact why don't you attack four times for some reason.

János (Cadwallader): This sucks.
Doc (DM): You were way cooler when you were a shark.
Peter (Mel): Most people are.

Doc (DM): The little kuo-toa that could.


Peter (Mel): I guess we could go to Flotilla City; it's kind of on the way.
Brooke (Akosua): Well, the problem is if we go there we'll have to fight something... then we'll have to fight it again.

Brooke (Akosua): What's life without a little risk?
János (Cadwallader): Not in D&D, that's for sure.
Doc (DM): That's why there's not, like, accounting mechanics in D&D.

Brooke (looking at Mel's miniature): I love the little starfish.
James (Grog): You should think about a shirt.
Peter (Mel): I'm working on my tan.
James (Grog): You're blue.

Brooke (Akosua): Yay, I'm a fifth level wizard.
James (Grog): You can fireball.
Peter (Mel): And we all have good reflex saves and evasion.

Doc (DM): Now we're going to begin with the mapping.
James (Grog): I thought you said napping.

Doc (DM): You spot a ship in the distance.
James (Grog): Does it look particularly undead?

James (Grog): "Turn this ship to the... right, whichever that one is."
Everyone else: "Starboard."

Doc (DM): In the surprise round, a fireball appears on the deck.
James (Grog): Aww, that's where I live.

Doc (DM): Mel?
Peter (Mel): What can I stab?

Peter (Mel): Are any of these ice glob things forming near me?
Doc (DM): There's one coalescing right behind you.
James (Grog): Good thing there's no facing.
Peter (Mel): *turns miniature around*
Brooke (Akosua): "I'll turn my mini anyway; it'll make me feel better."

Doc (DM): It makes a horrible noise, like fingernails scraping on a chalkboard, if the fingernails were made out of ice.
James (Grog): Raging. Can't care.

Doc (DM): You guys have never been in the non-port part of this city.
János (Cadwallader): We've never made it past the bars and brothels.

János (Cadwallader): We're better off leaving the ship in a city.
Brooke (Akosua): Where someone can watch it.
Doc (DM): You could always take the wheel with you.
János (Cadwallader): No, no. I cast wood shape and make The Club.

Doc (DM): The port authority suggests a man named Gil van der Meer, who's an experienced shipwright...
János (Cadwallader): Nice name.

Doc (DM): How many of you can breathe underwater?
Peter (Mel): Me.
János (Cadwallader): I can find a way.
Peter (Mel): That's right; you have an air plant.
János (Cadwallader): Or I can wild shape now. And worst case scenario I can cast water breathing.
Alan (guy on couch): Summon an air elemental to sit on your face.

Peter (Mel): "What are your rates?"
Doc (DM): "A gold an hour."
Peter (Mel): "And your hands?"
Doc (DM): "A silver an hour."
János (Cadwallader): "That wasn't included until you asked!"

Doc (as Heironeous Yarrow): "These items have quite the storied past."
János (Cadwallader): So does your mom.

James (Grog): This session has the best NPCs.

Peter (Mel): "How do you know we shouldn't break this enchantment, other than that everything we find has something to do with dark gods?"
Doc (as Magus Kalshirr): "Well you have been fighting an awful lot of creatures that don't exist anymore. It's not like they'd show up to do a bit of shopping and then pop back down to the Underworld. You don't make your first appearance on this planet in 700 years without..."

Doc (DM): "Most would hold that the heart is the most important part you can remove from any creature. Magic is all about blood. You can't do it the next day; you usually need something in mind when you rip the still-beating heart from a creature's chest."
János (Cadwallader): We don't really swing that way.
Peter (Mel): We don't really do things with that much foresight.
János (Cadwallader): Also that.

Doc (DM): "Or perhaps I'm just being dramatic. Really, though: magic from a bygone age. Not evil, though."

Doc (as Kalshirr): "If you'll excuse me, there are souls tortured in the world beyond that require my attention," and he disappears in a puff of smoke.
Brooke (Akosua): "What a show."
Doc (as Yarrow): "Yes, Mr Showmanship has decided to go astro for a moment."

Doc (as Yarrow): "You should be careful around Srinavasa; he is a most dangerous man."
James (Grog): "He has lots of neat stuff."
Doc (as Yarrow): "Yes, that he does. He has the most fetching magical tea set you should really see sometime. It's always a big hit at the Collegium Arcanum reunion every year. It's not often you see necromancy in a tea service."


Doc (DM): You have a lot to talk about vis-à-vis loot. By the way, my word of the day is 'vis-à-vis'.

Brooke (Akosua): We also have all these onyx earrings and chokers that, as far as I can tell, don't have a market value because they're obviously evil.
Doc (DM): They're not obviously evil. They're obviously created by evil people...

Doc (DM): Does everyone feel they have the appropriate amount of stuff?
Peter (Mel): I spent it all. I don't know if it feels appropriate...

Brooke (Akosua): If you can't spell 'intelligence,' you don't get the bonus.

Brooke (Akosua): Boy, guys, I have to say: it feels really nice to feel like I have enough spells to last more than one combat.
Doc (DM): Obviously you're not preparing for this combat.

Doc (DM): And ant-like things, which because the DM was lazy and didn't draw their wings, burst into the air. In their arms they have scimitars and daggers, and their chitinous skin glows red.
Brooke (Akosua): I want to ride one.
James (Grog): After we kick the shit out of them maybe we can try to convince them to let you.

Doc (DM): You may undelay, if you want to.
János (Cadwallader): Undelay, undelay, arriba, arriba!

Doc (DM): Top of the round.
James (Grog): It's ettin time.
János (singing to the tune by Huey Lewis and the News): "Gonna go ettin time..."

James (Grog): Aw man, so many guys, and I don't have cleave.

János (Cadwallader): I cast barkskin.
Doc (DM): That's probably a good move at this point.
James (Grog): Sparkskin.
János (Cadwallader): That would be cooler.

Peter (Mel): I'm sort of counting on killing these [casters] and making everything magically better; otherwise we die.

James (Grog): I guess I'll kill Alpha, five-foot step to flank Beta, and brace for impact.

Doc (DM): There's a very interesting thing that happens when you kill him.
James (Grog): Man, I hope so.

Peter (Mel): I'm not dead, I'm only at -8.

James (Grog): *rolls*
Doc (DM): You threaten.
James (Grog): *rolls*
Doc (DM): You confirm.
Brooke (Akosua): Yay, we're all gonna live.

Doc (DM): I think a [trident] would only be exotic if you never, ever spent any time around water.
Brooke (Akosua): Or a gladiatorial arena.

Peter (Mel): I would totally use the [+2 returning] trident for shits.
James (Grog): Knock yourself out... just don't actually knock yourself out.

James (Grog): If you 5-foot step anywhere I'll probably be able to flank with you.
Peter (Mel): I'm deciding whether to 5-foot or just to 10-foot it.
James (Grog): Oh, you want to flank right now, you greedy bastard.

János (Cadwallader): I have nothing I can do to accomplish anything.
Brooke (Akosua): Get back to the ship, find a new crew. That would be my recommendation.


Peter (Mel): If I recall correctly, last session consisted of buying things and then combat.
Doc (DM): Nothing but combat.
James (Grog): Nothing but formian combat, which takes a while 'cause there's lots of them.

James (Grog): All the guys who are out to kill us, they're all [in Landsbrook]. Which is why we should go there.

James (Grog): Seeing as how getting stuff is our goal here, aside from the not dying-
Doc (DM): You are pirates.

James (Grog): I think the biggest act of piracy we've committed was taking the necklace, which just fucked us.
Doc (DM): It plot-hooked you, I wouldn't say it fucked you.

Doc (describing Mishanti): Imagine a college town, and now imagine that every college student is ten years older and works for the government. That means it's kinda boring, and kinda lame, and extremely dangerous... It's kind of a cross between Singapore and Madison.

János (Cadwallader): Remember, the reason we came into Anchorage was to avoid the creepy evil pirate ship.
James (Grog): The ghost ship? We killed that thing.
János & Peter: No we didn't.
Doc (DM): You saw it on the horizon and successfully avoided meeting it. That's not the same as killing it.

Doc (DM): I'm just gonna give you a heads up here; there's gonna be a lot of things in this campaign that look like a ghost ship.

János (Cadwallader): I hate to take us four or six days out of our way just because I forgot to buy healing potions. We don't know what it'll be like in Landsbrook. It's been abandoned, so I say as a pirate, it's a looters' paradise. There may be healing items lying around for the taking. It's not like the undead need it.

James (Grog): I can't remember why we went to Sunfish Isle in the first place.
*silence*
Doc (DM): Because you didn't have a ship yet.

János (Cadwallader): We're going into a city that is being actively shelled? I didn't realize that.
Peter (Mel): We take our looting seriously.

James (Grog): [The island of Redshod] looks like a kangaroo.
Doc (DM): Or a bunny head.
James (Grog): Or a small but ambitious gila monster attempting to eat the Dreadscale Reefs.

Doc (DM): The Capricans are like goat/centaur/mermaids.
James (Grog): Oh, that makes sense.

Doc (DM): Someone roll a d20.
James (Grog): *rolls* 19.
Doc (DM): You get a 32.
James (Grog): Sweet. I wonder what that means.

James (Grog): I think it's worth it, seeing as we're [buying forged ship's documents] to go off and get more money.
Doc (DM): It falls neatly into the category of cost-of-doing-business.
Peter (Mel): I'm pretty sure we can get a tax write-off for it.

Peter (Mel): It's not hard to divide one number by four.
János (Cadwallader): Speak for yourself.

Doc (DM): You are slowed, as per the spell.
János (Cadwallader): Nnnnnnooooooo!

James (Grog): I really just want to throw a pint of oil and see if that drips down on [the invisible attacker].
Doc (DM): I don't think János has a counter for that.
János (Cadwallader): Don't let that stop you!

James (Grog): 36 damage.
Doc (DM): He is smote.
Peter (Mel): Is he visible?
Doc (DM): No.
Peter (Mel): We have to loot an invisible corpse?

James (Grog): So we rolled three double crits in that combat-
Doc (DM): That was really kind of lame from the DM's perspective, 'cause that guy could do some really cool stuff and you really just beat the shit out of him.

Peter (Mel): No self-respecting D&D character names himself Michael; that's just suspicious.

Peter (Mel): We definitely should have thought of a pretext before going up to the door.

Doc (DM): [Initiative,] Mel?
Peter (Mel): 6.
Doc (DM): It sucks to be Team Mel today. Things are not looking good for Team Mel.

Doc (DM): Mel, there's a demon standing next to you for no reason.
Peter (Mel): I'm guessing he has a reason.

János (Cadwallader): TPK?
Peter (Mel): Akosua versus two demons. Go Akosua.

Doc (DM): Okay, the DM introduces some cut scene logic.


Peter (Mel): Should we give [the devils] the eye?
James (Grog): I wanted to get rid of it from day one. I didn't want to steal it in the first place, which was kind of against the ethic of the game. Sorry about that.

Peter (Discussing the size of the terrasque): He definitely eats villages. Not villagers. Villages.

Doc (DM): It's more a matter of: you identify an emissary that you send to meet with [the devils'] emissary and they conduct any negotiation, or they just exchange...
James (Grog): High fives.

Doc (DM): Well, paint thinner can give you prophetic visions...

Doc (DM): [Gargantosa]'s basically mojo in a vial for any sort of spellcaster.

Doc (DM): The talisman is free. It's sort of their 1-800-Chant-Me-Up number.

Doc (as the devil Brother Michael): "They are a race of beings from the dawn of time, when humans were but a pathetic daydream of the Elder Gods. They are ageless, but not immortal - theirs was the primordial font of all life, from the dawn of time, the crafting of the multiverse. They fashioned their evil on an anvil of hatred, and they pine for the days when their gods will rule this world once more. Their memories stretch back to the first days of the multiverse, and they forget nothing. They do not sleep, they do not thirst or hunger - they are killers and arcanists of the highest order. Like the immortals, they plan the end of all that is, to usher in the dawn of their favored age - and like the immortals, their numbers are few, so they pull what puppet strings they can. What they look like? Few have seen it and lived. Even to a devil, Those Who Dwell Beneath are but a children's fairy-tale."
János (Cadwallader): Well that was sufficiently ominous.

Doc (DM): [The devils] told you exactly where Lilliana is being held.
Brooke (Akosua): Great!
János (Cadwallader): Well...
Doc (DM): In the middle of the Grimtooth Sargasso, about 2.5 miles down.

Doc (DM): They told you about the Ones Who Dwell Below in the manner they best felt conveyed their capabilities.
James (Grog): Which basically amounts to: things we can't handle.

James (Grog): Last time our boat was left unattended on shore, it was stolen.
János (Cadwallader): By us.

Doc (DM): You're in Anchorage. It looks like an awful lot of things died here. Because there's huge piles of corpses. Most of them are insects. They're also on fire.

Brooke (Akosua): Our constant companionship with death has made us a little cavalier. About courting the wrath of the Old Ones...
Doc (DM): I have to say as the DM of this game, that's exactly the right kind of attitude.

Doc (DM): The port master says "You'd better have a good reason to be here; otherwise, get the hell out of my port."

Doc (DM): I have to think, if the Khmer Rouge held a spring break it might be something like this. Okay, I think I've hit my threshold of tasteless things I can say while Gordon is not here. I actually have one of those, Brooke.

János (Cadwallader): So how are they burning these insect bodies? Do they have a giant lens?
Doc (DM): No, they're not that ironic.

Doc (DM): So those of you who have experience with high explosives, which is all of you...

James (Grog): I wonder how the undead react to the [Doom Lighthouse] event.
János (Cadwallader): They totally throw a huge rave.
Doc (DM): That's how undead react to everything.
Brooke (Akosua): *zombie groan*
Peter (Mel): The lighthouse is actually just a huge disco ball.

Peter (Mel): We're totally averaging a week a level. 6 months from now, if we're still alive, we'll be epic.

Doc (DM): That [ghast] figures if he spends the entire round running up to you, you probably won't cast fireball on yourself.
Brooke (Akosua): Great! If Cadwallader moves- Actually, we are all rogues.
Doc (DM): It's the first time you get to cast fireball. You're like 'fuck it, we're all rogues.'

Peter (Mel): Off-hand hits for [*indistinct*].
Doc (DM): Sammich?
Peter (Mel): Seven damage!

Doc (DM): That's awesome, 'cause you did just enough damage to incapacitate him. Then on his turn he gets 3 hit points and just kind of wishes he'd died.

Doc (DM): Everyone who isn't Brooke leveled at the beginning of the session, and now everyone else levels.
Brooke (Akosua): That's me! I'm everyone else!


James (on being a gestalt rogue): I'm pretty much playing a barbarian who happens to have tumble.

James (Grog): Okay I take back that that snideness was unwarranted, because it was totally warranted, you frickin' douchebag.

Doc (DM): You actually do need an hour every morning to properly supplicate to get your divine spells.
János (Cadwallader): What?! Forget this; I'm going to become a fighter.

James (Grog): The whole point of being a druid is so you don't have to deal with that god bullshit. Nature's just like 'Have some spells.'

Peter (Mel): Nature can be a bitch about your spells if you hit the wrong thing with metal.
James (Grog): Like you're using a crowbar to open a locked chest, and it turns out to be a mimic, and shit! there go your spells. "What, am I supposed to use a shoehorn?"

Doc (DM): Does anyone want to roll knowledge: nature or survival?
János (Cadwallader): Allow me!

Peter (reading a note found on some corpses): 'Darkness rides today.' Obviously they were assaulted by some kind of occult biker gang.

James (Grog): This [coded note] is probably important, but in our case we'd probably just take it to someone smart.

Doc (DM): That's stealing items from people you don't like. That's even better than just stealing.

Doc (DM): Twelve boots of silent movement, which are boots of elvenkind... in a world with no elves.

Doc (DM): We've had discussions of what happens if you drink a [weapon] oil.
János (Cadwallader): You get oily.
James (Grog): You probably get really sick.
Peter (Mel): +2 vomit.

Doc (DM): It appears as if no animal wants to touch [the bodies].
János (Cadwallader): I sure don't. Watch me turn into a hyena and not eat these guys.

Peter (Mel): She might be in a good mood.
James (Grog): She's the queen of the Unseelie Court. She doesn't have good moods.

Peter (Mel): So we're going to check out the outside of the tower.
James (Grog): Whatever; I have no business with it.
Peter (Mel): We're just going to check it out in daylight.
James (Grog): It glows with power; we're sixth level!

Doc (DM): This thing is powerful enough it's basically like a bug zapper for dragons.

James (Grog): Fine; let's go and all die.
Doc (DM): "When we die, I'll say I told you so."
James (Grog): I totally will. I'll haunt you! I'll haunt your ghost!

Peter (Mel): Let's just head into the city, and see if we make it there uneventfully.
Doc (DM): What are the odds?

Doc (DM): You hear a voice yell, "Lay down your weapons."
James (Grog): That may take a couple rounds.

János (Cadwallader): Well, I'm suddenly less comfortable with our plan. I think we thought the city would be deserted.
James (Grog): Well, we're in. They might just send us out to kill undead anyway, and we can discreetly suck their souls into little jars.


Doc (DM): *drawing pointy things on the ocean part of a map*
James (Grog): Those are the anti-rowboat spikes.
Doc (DM): Well, I call them waves, but whatever. Look, I know I'm not great at drawing, but come on, guys!

Doc (DM): There's a huge creature next to you, only it's invisible. *Lays down a large counter*
János (Cadwallader): That's not huge.
Doc (DM): Okay, it's not according-to-Hoyle huge...

James (Grog): That's true.
János (Cadwallader): With a catchphrase like that, you should have your own TV series.
James (Grog): What catchphrase?
János (Cadwallader): "That's the truth." You've said it like four times.
James (Grog): I said "That's true" not "That's the truth." See, I mix it up.
János (Cadwallader): No TV series for you, then.

James (Grog): Can I peer over the rubble?
Doc (DM): Yes you can, you big chicken.

Doc (DM): I'm only saying that because this fight is already pretty retarded and you have the chance to crank it up a notch.

James (Grog): Remember at the beginning of this fight when I didn't want to do all this shit? I'm in character, motherfuckers!

Peter (Mel): We've been oddly cautious about trying random magic things we find, but I suppose we are...
James and Peter (Mel): In a Cthulhu game.

Peter (Mel): The rise of the demons has been quite profitable. If the world wasn't about to end, we could really live it up after this.

Peter (Mel): I don't want helmet.
Doc (DM): That sounds way to sexual to not write down, János.

Doc (DM): Their initiative modifier is interesting. They automatically go after all living things; that's how slow they are.

James (Grog): Oh, I have an iteration. *rolls* Miss-tastic.
Doc (DM): Miss-tastic damage is easy for me to calculate.

Brooke (Akosua): I'm just here to provide a flank.
Doc (DM): There are a lot of things in this game that are just there to provide a flank.
János (Cadwallader): And I summon most of them.
Doc (DM): Cadwallader Sloat's Flank Provision Services. "If you need a flank, I can provide that hippogriff."


Peter (Mel): They had signet rings. The same signet rings as the other invisible guys we fought.
János (Cadwallader): It's almost like there's consistent factions in this fight. Or just lazy DMing.

James (Grog): It might have been late enough in the day that they were just battering down the hatches in preparation for Lady Amalthea showing up.
János (Cadwallader): Battering or battening?
James (Grog): Whatever, dude; it's the difference of one little line. I'm not going to get worked up about it.

Peter (Mel): I'm not opposed to [Lady Amalthea] killing some Navy people.
James (Grog): Except right now we are some Navy people.

Doc (DM): You can see the [Collegium Arcanum] in the distance. Every so often it glows white and kind of goes BZZZZZT. Kind of like a big bug zapper but...
James (Grog): For dragons.

Doc (DM): They appear to be extremely moist humanoids.

Doc (DM): Maybe without clerics the undead have evolved dramatically, except that doesn't make any sense.

Doc (DM): It's a sad day for psychokinetically controlled slime demonoids, in terms of initiative.

James (Grog): I'll wait here and prepare an action to attack the first one that comes into sword range.
Peter (Mel): This way [Akosua] can have a round of ally-free spellcasting.

Doc (DM): You don't see what number nine does, but the web is on fire.
Brooke (Akosua): And they seem to be okay with that? Someone's stolen my shtick.

Peter (Mel): I'm threatening this square.
James (Grog): Oh right, you're the weirdo with the weird thing.
Brooke (Akosua): It's a feat. You too could be a weirdo with a weird thing.

James (Grog): Yay, something we can sneak attack.
Brooke (Akosua): 'I'll make you all gestalt rogues in a world where you can't sneak attack anything because it's all undead.'
Doc (DM): Ha-ha. Who's a total bastard now? Who's got two thumbs and is a total dick to his PCs? This guy.
Brooke (Akosua): Yet we all keep coming back for more.
János (Cadwallader): You least of all.

James (Grog): Do you have Melf's big magic rock from the sky?

Doc (DM): They appear they are a little smarter than some of the other things you've fought.
János (Cadwallader): Well they are alive.

Doc (DM): It's a big friggin' wall.
Brooke (Akosua): Who's gonna touch it?
János (Cadwallader): Make the rogue do it.

János (Cadwallader): I summon a guinea pig...

Doc (DM): Minotaurs. Grog, kick their ass.
János (Cadwallader): They share one single ass?
Brooke (Akosua): They pass it back and forth.
Doc (DM) & Peter (Mel): They have a hive ass.
Brooke (Akosua): It's like the crones and the eye.

Peter (Mel): You can only do immediate actions on your turn, right?
Brooke (Akosua): No.
János (Cadwallader): Hence the immediacy.

Doc (DM): If you're worried about running out of healing here...
János (Cadwallader): Open a closet.
Brooke (Akosua): Welcome to the College Arcanum.
Doc (DM): The first aid kits here probably include potions of cure medium wounds.

James (Grog): Yeah, but every other first aid kit is probably a mimic.

Doc (DM): 'I poke the bodies with my cutlass of searching.'
James (Grog): This is what I have instead of a search check.

Doc (DM): So do you hide in here?
János (Cadwallader): Where would we hide?
Doc (DM): I should mention there are statues all around the room.
James (Grog): Do they look like us?
Doc (DM): No!
James (Grog): Man, that would be so convenient.

Doc (DM): Most of [the Deep Ones] are huge; this one's large.
János (Cadwallader): That is the sound of Doc throwing us a bone.

Peter (Mel): Remember we have action points.
Doc (DM): This is not the final showdown of ultimate destiny, but it's close, so you might want to start whipping those out.

Doc (DM): You appear to be whittling away at the skeleton.
James (Grog): Literally.

Doc (DM): Top of the round, something interesting happens. Not in a good way. Guess who shows up?
James (Grog): Srinavasa? No, Lady Amalthea!

James (Grog): Let's see how Lady Amalthea reacts to being totally ignored.
Doc (DM): She seems to be counting on it at this point.

Brooke (Akosua): Can I pick up the skeleton?
Doc (DM): Something happened to those bones; some kind of tungsten-titanium alloy now. Or it's magic; whatever.

Brooke (Akosua): She's totally going to smoke my ass.
James (Grog): This is why we don't tangle with epic characters.

Doc (DM): Guess who steps in the doors next?
James (Grog): Srinavasa.
Doc (DM): No! He's not gonna show up! This isn't an Alan campaign!

Brooke (Akosua): I yell 'Don't wait up,' and throw myself into the coffin.
Doc (DM): Everything tastes like purple for a minute and there's an enormous explosion.

Doc (DM): Brooke, you managed to take out my least favorite named characters.
James (Grog): Oh, that illithid guy. She didn't take out Amalthea too, did she?
Doc (DM): Yeah. She's gone.
James (Grog): Wow, you would have got mad XP if you weren't dead.