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"Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil"

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In the spring of 2002 several friends from college and I began playing the adventure module Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil. The original Temple of Elemental Evil module is widely regarded as one of the hardest, most twisted modules ever published. Following the rule of sequels, Return to the Temple takes things well past the next level. The module starts with a dragon encounter. Characters enter at 4th level and theoretically finish around 14th, though the chances of surviving anywhere near that long are remote indeed.

At the last minute the DM decided to make this a minatures-based game, having chanced upon a huge pad of 1" graph paper at Office Max. Being the only active painter in the group, I foolishly volunteered to make miniatures for all the player characters. Not too tall an order, perhaps, but getting the right characters with the right weapons involved more modifications then I'd ever done. Then there was the monk...


Corbin Thunderstruck
Reaper 2372: Dieter Von Regmon Reaper 2372: Dieter Von Regmon
A wizard who's particularly fond of chain lightning
2372: Dieter Von Regmon
Modifications: Shortened sword

Dave: killed after 53 sessions & resurrected
Dwarf monk Dwarf monk
Jon chose to play a hairless dwarf monk, which is fine except they don't make hairless dwarf minis! The most extensive modifications I've ever made to a figure. Despite a near-suicidal tendency to dash into melee combat, Dave is the party's longest-lived member. He was captured and tortured by the fiendish ogre mage D'Gran for a time.
2228: Gord Ironhead
Modifications: Filed off hair, beard, shield, and flail; added head from Reaper 2512: Tsuko, Male Monk.

Perkin Warbuck: killed in his first session & resurrected, killed after 8 more sessions
Reaper 2659: Piotr Irongale Reaper 2659: Piotr Irongale
Rogues with spiked chains proved so popular with this party there's now another one.
2659: Piotr Irongale

Shizor the Magnificent
Reaper 2186: Alfred Redlute Reaper 2186: Alfred Redlute
Uriah's characters have had such short lifespans apparently he thought "I'll die anyway, why not play a bard?" Not surprisingly Shizor looked like he was about to buy it on his first session, but he somehow made a successful broken-field run through a phalanx of guards and made it to safety.
2186: Alfred Redlute, Bard
Modifications: Removed sword & right hand, added bow and left hand of 2091: Lindir Lightarrow, scratchbuilt thumb on proper side.

Ud the Unremarkable: killed and resurrected in his first 2 sessions
Reaper 14004: Ymrilix Reaper 14004: Ymrilix
This brusque half-orc paladin is the party's taskmaster.
14004: Ymrilix, Anti-Paladin

Vnadno Tsesh: killed after 32 sessions and raised. Killed & resurrected after 4 more sessions
Reaper 2489: Black Legionnaire Reaper 2489: Black Legionnaire
This half-elven cleric was rather sheltered in the seminary of Pelor. Out in the wider world for the first time, he's developed an unhealthy fascination with prostitutes and their ilk.
2489: Black Legionnaire
Modifications: Reduced axe to mace, filed off insignia on chest.



K.I.A.

Gregor: survived 9 sessions
Reaper 2033: Sir Falkirk Nobleheart Reaper 2033: Sir Falkirk Nobleheart
A human paladin of St Cuthbert with a robust sense of paranoia. He detected evil so often the DM started automatically including it in every description. Unfortunately in an ill-fated attempt to gain 300 XP to level, Gregor encountered the business end of a juvenile white dragon.
2033: Sir Falkirk Nobleheart
Modifications: Removed scabbard, replaced axe with longsword from 2202: Weapons Pack II

Roric "Rory" Svarthelm: survived 9 sessions
Reaper 2143: Elladan Reaper 2143: Elladan
Owing to the intensity of the module, we all put huge thought into character design. Chase decided that the key to longevity was being well-rounded, so he constructed a multiclassed ranger/rogue/barbarian to start out with. Unfortunately it wasn't enough in his efforts to save Gregor from the white dragon, which included spiderclimbing onto its flank, dousing it in oil, and setting it alight with a tinderstick.
2143: Elladan, Elven Ranger

Lia Nai'kiir: survived 11 sessions
Reaper 2590: Merryn Reaper 2590: Merryn
The female elven rogue was huge asset in the resplendently booby-trapped temple. However she never earned the trust of the party due to her penchant for conducting room and body searches when no one was looking and pocketing the results. Then she was chomped by a Xorn.
2590: Merryn, Elf Thief
Modifications: Filed sword into rapier

Xaod the Slayer (NPC): 8 sessions
Reaper 2370: Luther Baldwin Reaper 2370: Luther Baldwin
A washed-up, alcoholic paladin the party found in a bar. He was invited to join them because Gregor recognised a desire for redemption, the rest of the party recognised the utility of an extra arrow-catcher.
2370: Luther Baldwin
Modifications: Filed dents in shield, nicks in cloak

Roscoe Thorngage: 14 sessions
Chainmail: Halfling Sneak Chainmail: Halfling Sneak
The evoker sorcerer was tragically splattered in one round by Tomislav in the throes of an umber hulk's confusion effect. It was a double blow to the group, for with the low resale value of evil cult paraphernalia, his professional gambling was an important source of party income.
Chainmail: Halfling Sneak
Modifications: Scratchbuilt hat with epoxy putty

Tomislav: 6 sessions
Reaper 2431: Gragg Elfslayer Reaper 2431: Gragg Elfslayer
This orphaned half-orc was raised by the Church of Arlington, receiving training as a Tempest, a specialist in 2-weapon fighting. Only bright when it came to combat strategy, in which he and Mordicai used veritable SWAT team tactics.
2431: Gragg Elfslayer Orc
Modifications: Added longsword, filed down crests on armour

Franklin: 6 sessions
Reaper 2343: Drake Whiteraven Reaper 2343: Drake Whiteraven
Rescued from a cell in the Earth Temple, this sorcerer answered the paucity of divine spellcasters in the party. He also became something of a Gatling-gunner by popping 2 crossbows in and out of his Gloves of Holding. Killed by the ogre mage D'Gran.
2343: Drake Whiteraven
Modifications: Removed staff, added cuffs for gloves.

Lt. Zook "Stumbleduck" Scheppen: 4 sessions
Reaper 2531: Dobbin Reaper 2531: Dobbin
The sole survivor of a gnome army regiment, Zook rode into combat on his fierce war boar Dreanna. The only party member with an actual military rank, Zook assumed he was their leader. Died at D'Gran's hand while valiently saving Vnadno's life.
Reaper 2531: Dobbin, Halfling + Ghost Miniatures GD22: Extra Heavy Boar Riders/Maces
Modifications: Clipped base, replaced shield

Vakhtang: 5 sessions
Reaper 2372: Dieter Von Regmon Reaper 2372: Dieter Von Regmon
Although he also survived D'Gran's torture (a kinky affair which apparently involved having iron balls thrown at his crotch), this paladin/sorcerer was just too wimpy to live. He was pummeled to death during his watch by an Invisible Stalker.
2372: Dieter Von Regmon
Modifications: Shortened sword

Rhys D'Vys son of Gloin: 8 sessions
Reaper 2301: Thorondil Reaper 2301: Thorondil
A dwarf whose thoughts hit as heavily as his axe blows. Together with his half-brother Ovo, he formed the party's stumpy but tough front-line defence. Unfortunately he took too many fireballs to the face in the Fire Temple.
2301: Thorondil of Kragmar

Mordicai D'Arthur: 23 sessions
Reaper 2468: The Unholy Warrior Reaper 2468: The Unholy Warrior
A cleric/rogue, an inquisitor in the Church of Arlington, god of fire and travel. His slightly dubious alignment was no help, though, when he stumbled into a crypt full of shadows and wrights.
2468: The Unholy Warrior
Modifications: Filed down shield crest, bent scimitar from 2202: Weapons Pack II into rapier and replaced axe.

Ximen: 6 sessions
Reaper 2434: T'Quan Reaper 2434: T'Quan
Another half-orc bodyguard for Mordicai from the church of Arlington (they seem to admit exclusively half-orcs to their bodyguarding school), although this one was an archer with some rogue abilities. Died with his master in the crypt full of shadows and wraiths.
2434: T'Quan, Skoli Warrior
Modifications: Filed off horns, cut off sword & placed hilt in scabbard, repositioned arms and added bow from 2202: Weapons Pack II and scratchbuilt arrow, sculpted tonsure from epoxy putty

Ovo Broadaxe son of Üdrick: 14 sessions
Reaper 2383: Spike Reaper 2383: Spike
This dwarf vacillated between being the party's best front-line fighter and its worst enemy, due to his habit of slipping into berserker frenzies and attacking friend and foe alike. He was the last to fall to the shadows and wrights that killed 2/3 of the party.
2383: Spike the Warmaster
Modifications: Formed spiked helmet into mohawk

Xi K'toar ("Hector"): 5 sessions
Reaper 2604: Lorn Reaper 2604: Lorn
A barbarian wild elf, brave but dumb. The party lost a lot of trust in him after he was dominated by a vampire. Then he was clobbered by a red dragon.
2604: Lorn, Barbarian with Axe
Modifications: Removed shield.

Fred Williams: 7 sessions
Reaper 2602: Hakir Reaper 2602: Hakir
The creepy Master of Chains, who wears a magical chain for armour and has a "predilection" for collecting and pickling the eyeballs of spellcasters. Unfortunately in a Peter Benchley-esque moment he was chomped by a tojanida.
2602: Hakir, Barbarian of Tor
Modifications: Removed sword & shield, scratchbuilt chain armour & spiked chain from a model railroading accessory & 2 necklace charms.

Shanut'tziel ("Flowerboy"): 5 sessions
Reaper 2285: Osvick Strick Reaper 2285: Osvick Strick
Clothed in a ghillie suit of leaves and flowers and not speaking a language anyone could understand, Shanut'tziel was the party's most mysterious member. Not long after they learned he'd been raised among the fey, he was chomped by a tyrranosaurus.
2285: Osvick Strick of Kjord
Modifications: Cut hands apart & scratchbuilt second axe, added foliage of ground foam, lichen, & plant seeds.

Eshac: 5 sessions, resurrected, 5 more sessions
Reaper 2659: Piotr Irongale Reaper 2659: Piotr Irongale
This shadow dancer, who could hide in plain sight, was single-handedly infiltrating the Temple in an attempt to bring it down from the inside. Unfortunately he couldn't do the same from inside a tyrannosaurus.
2659: Piotr Irongale

Palen: 8 sessions, resurrected, imprisoned on another plane after 18 sessions
Reaper 2637: Marcus Starsong Reaper 2637: Marcus Starsong
Like white boys who listen to hip hop, Palen is a human obsessed with dwarven culture. The party stumbled across the anthropologist/tourist in a temple of Moradin and grudgingly let him tag along when he proved useful acquiring dwarven magic items. His undoing was 3 bad draws from a Deck of Many Things.
2637: Marcus Starsong




Famous Last Words


"This is first and foremost a fantasy adventure and not a dungeon ecology simulation." - Alan (DM)

"I cast silence on the crying baby." - János (Vnadno)

"Well, he's not wearing armor." - Jon (Dave)
"He's not wearing skin or flesh." - Uriah (Lia)

"It looks like a cross between a chicken and a small lizard, er, a small giant lizard." - Alan (DM)

"You can't fire and move and then have shot from where you moved to." - Alan (DM)

"It's useful to have a rogue in the party because all this bad stuff happens to someone else. Someone whose greed outweighs his common sense." - John (Roscoe)

"Put the fruit down and step away from the evil fruit!" - Gordon (Gregor)

"Guys, I'll be right back and I'm not going to do anything stupid." - Jon (Dave)

"I tag the wall." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm a dick, but I'm not that big a dick. Oh." - Gordon (Gregor)

"It's not like it's going to snap your tiny little neck like a twig. There's not really a mechanic in this game for snapping tiny little necks like twigs." - Jon (Dave)

"We take only pictures and owlbear meat and leave only footprints and owlbear skeletons." - Jon (Dave)

"You notice several half-orcs and more than half." - Alan (DM)
"What, two-third orcs? Three-fourths orcs?" - Jon (Dave)
"Whole orcs." - Alan (DM)
"One and a half orcs?" - Uriah (Lia)
"Double orcs? Siamese orcs?" - Chase (Roric)
"Double orcs plus ungood?" - Jon (Dave)

"Rooms are 1 gold piece a night?" - Gordon (Gregor)
"2... There's been inflation since Second Edition." - Alan (DM)

"Sneeze suppression is part of Hide." - Alan (DM)
"I thought you needed a Will save." - Uriah (Lia)

"He's just lying there. Are you going to wait?" - Alan (DM)
"I'm an elf. I have a long life." - Uriah (Lia)

"I never look for trouble." - Uriah (Lia)
"You never stop looking for trouble!" - Jon (Dave)

"There is a second entrance." - Alan (DM)
"Unfortunately it's guarded by an elite squad of hookers. Orc hookers." - Jon (Dave)

"I can still recognize him." - John (Roscoe)
"Maybe it's a cursed disguise kit." - Jon (Dave)

"Do you get the animal's normal vision [with chain of eyes]?" - Gordon (Gregor)
"That might hurt if you cast it on, like, a chameleon." - János (Vnadno)

"Man, that should be a good 4th or 5th level spell: exploding animal messenger." - Jon (Dave)

[Three minute description of various rooms and halls] - Alan (DM)
"Great... would you... draw the map now?" - John (Roscoe)

"Avoid rooms with any obvious danger, like curtains of blue flame or slobbering monsters." - John (Roscoe), giving instructions to his rat familiar

"Alan, does your brain hurt?" - Gordon (Gregor)
"No, my brain is fine; your brains are all messed up." - Alan (DM)

"Why kill later what you can kill today?" - Uriah (Lia)

"I can't shoot past these guys, can I? Between their legs?" - John (Roscoe)
"Not between my legs, buddy!" - Jon (Dave)

"They got nice armor for nice fuckin' little pansies." - Gordon (Gregor)
"I want to join this cult; they get neat stuff!" - Uriah (Lia)

"Most miniatures you buy for D&D are 26 millimeters. The average person is, say, 5-foot-eight. The ground scale is 5 feet to one inch, or 25.4 millimeters. So what happened to the extra 8 inches? So either we're dealing with a world of very short people, which is quite accurate for medieval Europe, but most fantasy games don't model malnutrition." - Alan (DM)

[calculating an attack roll] "21." - Chase (Roric)
"Does that include flanking? And bless?" - Uriah (Lia)
"I can add. Yes." - Chase (Roric)

"I've apparently become the party bitch." - Jon (Dave)

"I run to the end of the hallway and yell 'The beast is coming!'" - John (Roscoe)
"Beet?" - Chase (Roric)
"I thought he said pizza." - Uriah (Lia)
"Dire beet?" - Jon (Dave)

"Xaod attempts to open a can of Whupass... and fails his can open check." - Alan (DM)

"Do you need healing?" - János (Vnadno)
"I am unconscious and cannot answer you." - Uriah (Lia)

"Too bad we can't make a bead of force with one little hole in it." - Jon (Dave)
"We can teleport stuff in. We could teleport angry badgers in there. Or weasels. Dire weasels! 'Auggh, get 'em off! Get 'em off me!'" - Chase (Roric)

"Chase, kill 'im with your dope-ass shit." - Alan (DM)

"Xaod, you're missing the evil!" - John (Roscoe)

"I take a five-foot step back." - Uriah (Lia)
"That puts you in Vnadno." - Alan (DM)

"It's the last of its kind." - Jon (Dave)
"We could eradicate an entire species tonight." - János (Vnadno)
"I think you get extra XP for that." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm going to do some Scooby-Doo-like moves and get the ogre to follow me." - Uriah (Lia)

"I walk over by Roric and gesture at Vnadno [to come over and heal me]." - Jon (Dave)
"You just walked right past me." - János (Vnadno)

"Uriah, what do you want to do?" - Alan (DM)
"I peg this guy in the head." - Uriah (Lia)
"You can't call shots anymore." - Jon (Dave)
"He asked me what I wanted to do." - Uriah (Lia)

"Let's tie him up in a tree. I don't want a bear eating our prisoner." - John (Roscoe)

"Could you make a reflex save, Chase, to see about this... you being on fire?" - Alan (DM)

"Do I get experience for this? I slept through the entire combat!" - Jon (Dave)

"I was sent by my god to assist you." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Hello, these are some assholes sent by the Duke." - Uriah (Lia)

"I smite things, he burns things." - Gordon, introducing Tomislav and Mordicai

"Do we know what time they're usually active? Probably doesn't matter; they live underground anyway." - John (Roscoe)

"That'd be a nice spell: nitrogen narcosis. It shunts nitrogen from the atmosphere into your intestines." - Jon (Dave)

"If I get out more dice, it makes my character feel more powerful." - John (Roscoe)

"I do cromulent damage." - Uriah (Lia)

"The survivors will think he's the leader 'cause he sauntered in last. We all know that [Vnadno]'s just slow." - John (Roscoe)

"I yell 'poison!' in a Stanleyesque narrative fashion." - Jon (Dave)

"I hit... [adding up dice rolls] a lot." - Uriah (Lia)
"That's a real definitive number." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"That misses." - Alan (DM)
"I spit in her face, then." - Jon (Dave)
"No you don't; you missed." - Alan (DM)
"You spit on her armor, perhaps." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I really wish I could remove the knife in my chest as a free action." - Jon (Dave)

"This is the Betty Ford Clinic for people addicted to evil?" - Jon (Dave)

"That's why we shake you down every month, [Lia]. It's not that we don't love you, it's just that we don't trust you." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"You find a holy symbol of the earth temple." - Alan (DM)
"Oh, we smash that." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Then you no longer have a holy symbol to the earth temple." - Alan (DM)

"That's what gets me about dungeons. Okay, so you find a golden statue of the god of wasting death, which is worth 10 gold melted down, or 200 gold whole, but only to an art collector or an evil priest. Guess which there are more of in town." - John (Roscoe)

"I cast comprehend languages." - János (Vnadno)
"It says 'Crush smash death pain.'" - Alan (DM)
"I wasted a spell on that?!" - János (Vnadno)
"Unless you can find something else to read in the next, what, 10 minutes per level." - Alan (DM)
"I run around looking for something to read." - János (Vnadno)

"Actually this corridor meanders as if the person who carved it was drunk." - Alan (DM)

"I could take 80 orcs if they were all crammed into a 20 foot radius." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Let's invest it in the stock market." - Jon (Dave)
"They don't have a stock market." - János (Vnadno)
"Yeah, they do. You go to the stockyard and buy a couple of cows." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Can I trade you 30 gold for 3 platinum?" - Uriah (Lia)
"No, because I don't have an eraser." - János (Vnadno)

"Cleverly concealed in a boulder you find a pressure plate." - Alan (DM)
"Chalk it... but don't write hard!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Why are we taking all the pillows?" - Jon (Dave)
"Because they're the only thing in this fucking dungeon we can sell!" - John (Roscoe)

"Y'know what the search DC on that was? 10." - Alan (DM)
"Look, I'm breathing; I find it." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"*Click*" - Alan (DM)
"Uh-oh!" - Uriah (Lia)
"No, *click* is a benign opening sound. *Snick* is a much more ominous..." - Chase (Mordicai)

"You and I run in, make a lot of noise, wake it up, hit it, and run away." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Why don't we hit it before we wake it up?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Can the spiritual weapon and the flaming sphere offer flanking?" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Yeah, can they work together?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"I examine the leather strips." - Uriah (Lia)
"They appear to be tanned humanoid skin." - Alan (DM)
"Okay, I just lost 5 points of sanity." - Jon (Dave)

"Always assume that that was just the assistant and that the guys farther on are going to be even meaner. That's orc logic for ya." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Orcs don't have logic!" - Jon (Dave)
"It wasn't very logical." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Guys, let's wait till the end of the day and when we've killed everything else we can take all this stuff and burn it then. Make a big bonfire. That way when it gets all smokey and hard to breathe, we can be somewhere else." - John (Roscoe)
"Like the Fire Temple." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Somewhere smokey and hard to breathe." - Chase (Mordicai)

"The roof, the roof, the roof is..." - Jon (Dave)
"You want me to set it on fire? I can set it on fire!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"As a partial action, play dead. It may come true, but..." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I want to defile the altar with my jar of urine." - John (Roscoe)

"I'm gonna cast flaming sphere on the troglodyte." - John (Roscoe)
"Wow, have I ever heard that before?" - Alan (DM)

"You want to provoke a three-foot spider?" - Uriah (Franklin)

"I'm going to do impetuous things more often because the whole party just follows me!" - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Alan, my character has low intelligence and low wisdom. Does this seem like a bad idea?" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Seems like fun." - Alan (DM)

"We stripped Lia of all her goods." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"You stripped Lia and I missed it?!" - János (Vnadno)

"Do not throw things at GMs." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"I threw it at Jon." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm going to keep track of my own experience and level up when I feel like it." - John (Roscoe)

"I'm getting sick of arguing about who gets to be Mr. Black in front. I'll just hang around behind and get the experience for what you kill." - Chase (Mordicai)

"This is gonna be a big explosion; everyone be really quiet!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'd like to establish a policy that if you recklessly and deliberately throw away your character's life, you get to paint your next mini." - János (Vnadno)

"There is a -20 penalty to all combat actions when you're dead and can't move." - Alan (DM)

"While you can carry 300 pounds when it's evenly distributed on you [Tomislav], this is dead weight, and it's living dead weight." - Alan (DM)

"The ceiling's very high away." - Alan (DM)

"It gropes your breastplate." - Alan (DM)

"I kick it in the jimmy. I mean, I jump up and punch it in the jimmy." - Jon (Dave)

"Xaod says 'Evil fiend!' and cleaves [the ettin] in twain." - Alan (DM)
"Great, now we have two one-legged giants to deal with." - János (Vnadno)

[Speaking as Xaod:] "Something dark and ancient lives in this pool." - Alan (DM)
"Can you be more specific?" - Jon (Dave)
"It's over there." - Alan (DM)

"One tug equals bring us up. Two tugs equals, I don't know, danger. Three tugs equals drowning." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Four tugs means it's Cthulhu." - János (Vnadno)
"Four tugs followed by long straining followed by breakage of rope equals Cthulhu." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"You get a creeping up bonus [to your search] as you check off more area." - Alan (DM)

"Do you know anything about burial rites for dwarves?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"Barrow-wights?" - János (Vnadno)

"Map time!" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"I thought you said nap time." - János (Vnadno)

"You can turn on the light behind Uriah. The switch is somewhere on the floor to your left." - Alan (DM)
"You're never gonna find it, dude." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"No, this is my proper left." - Uriah (Franklin)

"For those of you keeping track, you're getting into the late part of whatever fantasy name passes for May." - Alan (DM)

"It's now more on fire." - Alan (DM)

"That [reflex save] succeeds, but there are burn marks on your clothes." - Alan (DM)
"What clothes?" - Jon (Dave)

"The bird [Franklin's familiar] takes a point of splash damage." - Alan (DM)
"Squawk." - Uriah (Franklin)

"Even if thrown with considerable force there is a chance that an alchemist's fire would hit the soft, gooey surface of an ooze and just go *sqllq* instead of exploding." - Alan (DM)

"I will look for tracks. Hey look, there are some train tracks!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Hey dwarf, does this look like it was mined?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I dunno. Does this look like it was mined?" - Jon (Dave)
"Prolly." - Alan (DM)
"My genetic heritage says: prolly." - Jon (Dave)

"I will be prepared to set you on fire when you're mind controlled." - Chase (Mordicai)

"You just like to burn things a lot. I like that about you." - Gordon (Tomislav) to Chase (Mordicai)

"Does it still look structurally sound?" - John (Roscoe)
"I kick it!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm putting Xaod at the back of the line so he can get jacked." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm just gonna say I'll be very annoyed if my second character is killed by a dragon." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Does 15 points of damage to you; takes a chunk with it, I expect." - Alan (DM)

"Bend over; the dragon has an amorous look." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"So it was really never an escape route like I thought it was." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"No, you could have squirmed out with an 'escape artist' check." - Alan (DM)
"So it was really never an escape route like I thought it was." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"I cast leering sight, I mean searing light." - János (Vnadno)

"I have the repository of alchemist's fire. To me, to me!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"John, how did you get there?" - Jon (Dave)
"I walked." - John (Roscoe)
"I forgot you have the obscene movement rate of the gods." - Jon (Dave)
"No, gods have longer legs." - Uriah (Franklin)
"And they don't move as fast." - Jon (Dave)

"Well, we can toss this [character] card." - Alan (DM)
"We killed the dragon?" - János (Vnadno)
"No; Xaod's dead." - Alan (DM)

"I could have my bird poke his eye out." - Uriah (Franklin)
"That's funny 'cause it hurts." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"I stop the party and listen." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"I cease my clanking." - János (Vnadno)
"I poke him. *clink!*" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I do too! *clink!* *clink!* We tune the cleric." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"This is some horrible, sickening daisy chain of healing." - Alan (DM)

"We've killed 2 of the 3 dragons." - Gordon (Tomislav)
"There's probably only 2 or 3 more." - Chase (Mordicai)

"There's still a wet tunnel we haven't explored." - John (Roscoe)

"[Vnadno,] why are you so afraid of water?" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Because he's wearing full-plate. And it's not even particularly buoyant full-plate." - Jon (Dave)

"Are you standing in the wall?" - Jon (Dave)
"No, I'm standing on [Tomislav's] shoulder but my mini doesn't balance well there." - John (Roscoe)

"It did more damage to me in a round and a half than I did to it in... a round." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"I slap it with my magic missile" - John (Roscoe)
"Dude, you're gonna use your magic missile as a melee weapon?!" - Jon (Dave)

(raises hand) - Jon (Dave)
"Yes?" - Alan (DM)
"What?" - Jon (Dave)
"You're raising your hand." - Alan (DM)
"No, I'm not." (looks at hand) "Well, yes I am. But not for any particular reason." - Jon (Dave)

"Some of the rocks hit your ankles, but they don't really hurt 'cause they're just rolling." - Alan (DM)
"I examine them for moss." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Hey, Alan, we look down the other corridor and you draw some lines." - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Can you fly your bird around this room before we go in and die horribly?" - Gordon (Tomislav) to Uriah (Franklin)

"We follow the cleric's advice—" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"I haven't given any advice." - János (Vnadno)
"I'm also a cleric." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm not searching for keys, I'm searching for dead bodies, which are much easier to find." - John (Roscoe)

"Let's kill it, then we can interrogate it." - Jon (Dave)

"Are you questioning my authoritah?" - Alan (DM)

"It starts shuffling toward you." - Alan (DM)
"Dude, it's not sessile!" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"Or benthic." - Chase (Mordicai)

"It doesn't so much hunt as bump into things and maybe eat them." - Chase (Mordicai)

"It appears to have tough, chitonous armor." - Alan (DM)
"You just wanted to say 'chitonous'." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm trying to figure out how this confuse ability works and it's confusing me." - Alan (DM)

"It does not appear to be stunned." - Alan (DM)
"But you're not very good at telling whether an umber hulk is stunned or not." - Jon (Dave)
"There are no stars spinning above its head. How's that?" - Alan (DM)

"A neogi looks like Gary Gygax sitting in a room tryin' ta think of what he hadn't stuck the ass of on the head of another." - Jon (Dave)

"I killed the halfling. I killed my little friend. I killed my little friend. Do I get XP for my little friend?" - Gordon (Tomislav)

"Is John really an intelligent rat with a halfling familiar?" - Jon (Dave)

"I say 'ho there,' and look around a lot." - John (Zook)
"Who are you that goes 'ho there'?" - Chase (Mordicai)

(distributing spare magical items) "Is your sword a family heirloom?" - Uriah (Franklin)
"No." - John (Zook)
"Would you like to use this one?" - Uriah (Franklin)

"I'm glad I'm not bald." - Jon (Dave)
"Aren't you bald?" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"I'm hairless; there's a difference." - Jon (Dave)

"I actually have 3 torches, so I can see really well for 40 feet, then it abruptly cuts off." - John (Zook)

"What's in the trolls' lair? Is there anything flammable?" - Jon (Dave)
"There's troll shit everywhere." - Alan (DM)
"How flammable is troll shit?" - Jon (Dave)
"Not flammable at all. Trolls have evolved to have non-flammable shit." - Alan (DM)

"We should challenge them to a duel. Their champion against ours." - Uriah (Franklin)
"Who's our champion?" - Gordon (Tomislav)
"All of us." - Jon (Dave)

"I'll ride you all down like grass." - John (Zook)

"I do a ranged does-this-bug-you-I'm-not-touching-you attack on the troll." - Jon (Dave)

"All right, get the squeegee; we're going to have to pull [Tomislav] off the wall." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Now that [Tomislav]'s down I can lightning bolt them much easier." - Uriah (Franklin)
"I think you get the silver lining award for this session." - János (Vnadno)

"An 18 does not hit your exceptionally dodgy self, Jon?" - Alan (DM)

"One is just dead set on nailing the boar." - Alan (DM)
"The what? Oh, boar. I thought you said 'whore'." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Even if you cut off their head, trolls will regenerate." - Alan (DM)
"But does the body regenerate a head or the head regenerate a body?" - Uriah (Franklin)
"That's a question for the ages, because anyone who actually finds out, the body regenerates a head or the head a body, and they die." - Jon (Dave)

"The troll is menacing you with a beady grin." - Alan (DM)

"4 trolls enter, none trolls leave." - Uriah (Franklin)

"It bites you at 26. It's eating your head! It eats your head for 8 damage." - Alan (DM)

"It's like Whack-a-Mole, or pushing bubbles in wallpaper." - Alan (DM)
"This is so much better than Whack-a-Mole." - Uriah (Franklin)
"Whack-a-Troll?" - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"Guys, it's time to stop talking about politics and start talking about game." - Alan (DM)
"So who should we elect leader of the party?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Who's gonna go through the alchemist's stuff?" - Jon (Dave)
"Can any of us even use it?" - János (Vnadno)
"I mean who wants to open the goddamn bag?" - Jon (Dave)

"It's an arrowhawk." - Alan (DM)
"An airlock?" - János (Vnadno)

"It may not have been hostile." - János (Vnadno)
"Think about the universe you live in. It was coming toward us. It's hostile." - Jon (Dave)

"I need to get another level badly... in fact, ten." - Jon (Dave)

"It has a long, whippy tail it lashes furiously about." - Alan (DM)
"Oh, that can't possibly be good for us." - János (Vnadno)

"The question is, if its wings stop flapping does it go 'boom' or does it say 'Ha, the wings were only for effect, you foolish mortal!'?" - Jon (Dave)

"Damn you, cruel fates; you owe me a tanglefoot bag!" - Jon (Dave)

"Achtung, Vakhtang." - János (Vnadno)
"Schnell, schnell!" - Alan (DM)
"Bitte." - Chase (Mordicai)

"You can run 25 feet and throw your axe directly up at it." - Alan (DM)
"Just watch out if you don't hit." - János (Vnadno)

"9 points [of damage]. How's it looking?" - Jon (Dave)
"Make a reflex save... Wanna know what that was for? To avoid being hit by the corpse." - Alan (DM)

"I'm gonna sleep hanging from a tree so if I'm attacked by a water mephit I can drip-dry overnight." - Jon (Dave)

"I find accommodations for the big folk [in the gnome village]." - John (Zook)
"By accommodations he means women." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I have a +1 short sword I could unload." - János (Vnadno)
"You're going to have trouble exchanging magic weapons for coin in this town. You'd have to barter." - Alan (DM)
"How many hookers can I get with a +1 short sword?" - János (Vnadno)
"You could get a hooker who will follow you around." - Alan (DM)
"I'm not looking for that level of commitment." - János (Vnadno)

"Bring on the hurt." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I can't believe I had to remind you of the voice in the back of your head." - Alan (DM)

"I'm starting to think the uglier a mini is, the longer that character survives." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Hey!" - János (Vnadno)
"I'm not saying [the monk]'s a poorly done mini; it's just that's an ugly guy." - Chase (Mordicai)

"What do we see and how is it trying to kill us?" - János (Vnadno)

"Your pig has a separate initiative?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"It's a boar." - John (Zook)

"Can I stand up on the table and still hit him from there?" - Jon (Dave)
"Sure." - Alan (DM)
"I'm fighting bar-style." - Jon (Dave)

"His attack of opportunity hits AC big... 31 to be exact." - Alan (DM)

"I hit AC my ass." - Jon (Dave)

"I can roll lousy and still hit!" - John (Zook)

"You're thinking Dreanna was trying to rip its throat open and not its head off." - Alan (DM)
"But goofed?" - John (Zook)
"Yeah." - Alan (DM)

"You're going to ready an action to shoot at the living velociraptor if it moves?" - Alan (DM)
"Yeah... Then I think better of it and just shoot." - Uriah (Franklin)

"He's got a poofy shock of red hair." - Alan (DM)
"Oh, we'll light that on fire." - Chase (Mordicai)
"I like your attitude." - Uriah (Franklin)

"Don't get separated!" - János (Vnadno)
"You gotta keep 'm separated." - Jon (Dave)

"There is mettle in Gordon's pansy-assness." - Alan (DM)

"You can only see 1 creature right now." - Alan (DM)
"Unfortunately it's..." - Jon (Dave)
"Yes, it's a hill giant." - Alan (DM)

"The hill giant has to step on the dwarf to attack you." - Alan (DM)

"Step on him and slip on the dwarf's spleen!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"You are completely out of commission with the second blow." - Alan (DM)
"All right, give me a total." - Uriah (Franklin)
"No, when I say completely out of commission, I mean completely." - Alan (DM)

"That's really demoralizing when the guy that's in full plate, the healer, runs." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"The clerics are leaving." - Chase (Mordicai)

"If you can't be bothered to show up, you can't be bothered to act intelligently." - Uriah (Franklin), on Vakhtang's actions during Gordon's absence

"What are you doing?" - John (Zook)
"I'm running like a pussy." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"Okay, Mordicai, [the hill giant]'s throwing his club at you." - Alan (DM)
"Now he doesn't have a weapon; let's get 'im!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"How much damage?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"Not much. Oh, but those were d6's and I was supposed to roll d8's." - Alan (DM)

"We're gonna come back as revenants and haunt you." - Jon (onlooker)

"Can I do some sort of appraise check to guess how much he weighs?" - John (Zook)
"You can't tell how much he weighs, but he's worth 40 gold pieces on the open market." - Chase (Mordicai)

"You guys aren't stopping for anything interesting [as you retreat]?" - Alan (DM)
"'Ogre mage on my ass, ogre mage on my ass! Ooh, shiny!'" - Jon (onlooker)

"The party is quickly splitting into pro- and anti-genocide factions." - Jon (onlooker)

"I'm trying to keep this moderately quiet." - Gordon (Vakhtang)
"I'M NOT QUIET AT ALL." - Uriah (Rhys)

"Cast reduce on the wizard's underwear." - Jon (onlooker)

"My next character can be a thief or a mage; we need a party decision." - Gordon (Vakhtang)
"Let's decide that much later." - János (Vnadno)
"No, because I give myself half an hour." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"Have you ever seen a wolverine running? They kind of walumph while running." - John (Zook)
"They do walumph." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"I'm gonna move and cast blindness on the giant." - Chase (Mordicai)
"But I still have chain of eyes cast on him!" - János (Vnadno)

"I'm reasonably sure a 26 hits a wolverine." - Alan (DM)
"I'm leaving if it doesn't." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"I'm sorry, guys; I'm going to have to do something stupid because my character's... dumb." - Uriah (Rhys)

"You get an attack of opportunity." - Alan (DM)
"Can I use it to run away?" - János (Vnadno)

"Are you still alive?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I'm a pulpy mess." - John (Zook)
"So you're unconscious?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"No, I'm pulpy." - John (Zook)

"Our party's legs got stubbier" - Jon (onlooker)
"And their hit points doubled!" - Alan (DM)

"This crazy guy I was talking to suggested I replace an encounter later in this module with a half-earth elemental, half-air elemental, half-water elemental, half-fire elemental grell cleric." - Alan (DM)
"That's too many halves." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Well, there's 2 of them." - János (Vnadno)

"What's your axe named?" - Uriah (Rhys)
"Wrathblade." - John (Ovo)
"Excellent. Mine's Headsplitter. Headsplitter and Wrathblade, together at last. See, I'm more visceral while you're more..." - Uriah (Rhys)
"Emotional." - János (Vnadno)

"I provoke an attack of opportunity from 2 orcs." - John (Ovo)
"Ha, you are contemptuous of their like." - Chase (Mordicai)

"My god, these guys are pathetic!" - Alan (DM), reading the orcs' stats
"Woohoo! They're pathetic!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"I nudge the cleric." - John (Ovo)
"What?" - János (Vnadno)
"Hear that?" - John (Ovo)
"No." - János (Vnadno)
"Exactly; they're waiting for us." - John (Ovo)

"Scrape your axe along the wall as you fly forward!" - Chase (Mordicai)
"Yeah! I'll make sparks..." - Uriah (Rhys)
"Great, the Temple of Evil burns down." - Jon (subbing Vakhtang)

"Ovo's much too long; can I call you Ovum for short?" - Jon (subbing Vakhtang)

"You're also rushing ahead of everyone else?" - Alan (DM)
"I can fly." - Uriah (Rhys)
"Is everyone rushing ahead of everyone..." - Alan (DM)

"I don't roll hit points till they get hit the first time." - Alan (DM)

"I advance 20 feet and throw a pile of shaving cream at the back of Vnadno's head." - Jon (subbing Vakhtang)
"Except for the shaving cream, okay." - Alan (DM)

"Remember when we were splitting into pro- and anti-genocide parties? Guess which side I'm on." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I do a 5-foot float." - Uriah (Rhys)

"We're gonna have to go through all the dinosaur dung because if they ate anyone with a magic ring it would have passed right through." - Jon (Dave)
"Or a satellite phone." - János (Vnadno)

"I listen and try to determine the nature of the sound. Is it a sloshing? A grating?" - John (Ovo)
"A 99-thump, 99-thump?" - János (Vnadno)

"Vakhtang goes first. What a sad day it is." - Alan (DM)

[Frantically reading in the Monster Manual] "What do hydras do? Nothing, until their initiative order." - Alan (DM)

"I think I'm the only person in the party physically capable of moving silently." - Jon (Dave)
"I'm perfectly capable of moving silently... when I'm not wearing armour. In my pyjamas I move quite silently." - János (Vnadno)
"Then take it off... right now. While you're doing that I'll have walked a mile... silently." - Jon (Dave)

"It is silent as a tomb. I remind you, most tombs in D&D are quite noisy." - Alan (DM)

"Hey look; it's the orc high school javelin team." - Chase (Mordicai)

"...a vaulted ceiling with stone supports covered in dwarven relief. Dwarves have relieved themselves on the walls, apparently." - Alan (DM)

"Everything you have is going to burn... soon." - Jon (Dave)
"I think that's part of my official church doctrine." - Chase (Mordicai)

"What's the escape artist check to roll through the crack under a door?" - Jon (Dave)
[sarcastically] "Pretty high, I'd guess." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Well, a 20 is an automatic success." - Jon (Dave)

"There should really be a detect safe." - Jon (Dave)
"It's not a safe." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I've decided to change the nature of this campaign so we just work our way through the Monster Manual alphabetically." - Alan (DM)
"That would be fatal real aboleth-ish." - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"You've already heard several shouts and a death howl." - Alan (DM)
"Maybe not so much a death howl as a meaty thunk." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Don't forget, Alan, I'm a half-elf and I have low-light vision." - János (Vnadno)
[blank stares]
"Is no one aware that I'm a half-elf?... You probably don't see me without my helmet a lot, so you may also not know that I have massive facial tattoos all over my head." - János (Vnadno)

"I throw glow powder at it." - Jon (Dave)
"You blow glow powder at it?" - Alan (DM)
"I do whatever you do to glow powder at it." - Jon (Dave)

"You don't get experience if you don't even open the door." - Jon (Dave)
"We might not even get to the door. - Uriah (Rhys)

"I lost my pencil again." - Jon (Dave)
"God, you're incompetent!" - Gordon (Vakhtang)

"There's a kind of vortexy effect and the fire goes out and the glow powder sprinkles down." - Alan (DM)
"What happened to the fire?" - Jon (Dave)
"The fire goes out and the glow powder sprinkles down. That's a replay of 20 seconds ago." - Alan (DM)

"I throw the tanglefoot bag at the ceiling." - Jon (Dave)
"The tanglefoot bag thumps into the ceiling, drops to the floor at your feet... and bursts open." - Alan (DM)
[under his breath] "I've been waiting for this." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Vnadno, your spiritual weapon returns to your side, panting." - Alan (DM)

"Well, this really throws off our watch schedule." - János (Vnadno), on Vakhtang's death

"I see dwarves and exclaim, 'Excellent, gentlemen, perhaps you can help me!'" - Gordon (Palen)
"Oh, great, it's a tourist." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm here to explore, and investigate your heritage!" - Gordon (Palen)
"He is a tourist." - János (Vnadno)
"Actually, I'm more of an explorer, or an archaeologist, really." - Gordon (Palen)

"Chase, I give you the nod and wink, meaning detect evil." - Uriah (Rhys)

"All dwarves are brothers, except him because he has no beard." - Uriah (Rhys)
"You are such hairy, filthy monkeys!" - Jon (Dave)

"We're in the middle of the fucking Temple of Elemental Evil!" - Jon (Dave)
"Actually we're on the periphery of the Temple of Elemental Evil." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Can we just kill 'im now and get a new PC; this one's already starting to annoy me." - Jon (Dave)

"Don't forget to bring your camera and shout fucking things in Japanese." - Jon (Dave)

"All right, we added a 6th level dork to the party." - Jon (Dave)

"Suck my cock." - Gordon (Palen)
"You have one? I don't believe it." - Jon (Dave)
"I whip it out." - Gordon (Palen)
"I rip it off." - Jon (Dave)

"There are draperies on the wall." - Alan (DM)
"Stab indiscriminately into the draperies to kill Polonius." - János (Vnadno)

"I have a great idea; tie a rope to his leg and if he's knocked unconscious we can reel him back into the hall." - János (Vnadno)

"Mordicai and Vnadno once again vie to see who goes last." - Jon (Dave)

"We have a tag team of wrestling dwarves." - Alan (DM)

"Now he's stunned and unconscious... and grappled and silenced!" - Alan (DM)

"Monte Cook wrote this, not Alan, so we don't have to worry so much about exploding runes." - Jon (Dave)

"Speaking as a former booby, I'll let someone else open the door." - Jon (Dave)
"But you boobied so well." - Gordon (Palen)

"The corridor goes straight for a bit and then turns off in a... swirly direction. It probably doesn't look so swirly from your perspective, but it does from mine." - Alan (DM)

"I pick locks with my axe." - Uriah (Rhys)

"When I say it's a t-intersection, I mean a lower-case 't'." - Alan (DM)

"It sounds like a marching order is in..." - John (Ovo)
"...Order?" - János (Vnadno)

"There are 2 [guys in the tower]." - Alan (DM)
"Are they archers?" - Gordon (Palen)
"No, they got water balloons." - Jon (Dave)

"Can I confirm on a 32?" - John (Ovo)
"He has 7 hit points. I just want you to know that." - Alan (DM)

"The north wall bears 8 white and silver tapestries depicting a demon, each more terrifying than the last." - Alan (DM)
"Which way does it go?" - Uriah (Rhys)
"Left to right." - Alan (DM)

"As you enter the room you feel the chill of evil touch your soul." - Alan (DM)

"I blind the air elemental." - Chase (Mordicai)
"You... think it worked. You may have blinded its nuts; they were round and next to each other." - Alan (DM)

"Does [the Hammer Sphere] have to be in your hand? Because I had this great idea for a party that all wears bowls for hats." - Jon (Dave)

"That's squeezing the armor until it dents. It's the beer can!" - Alan (DM), on John's coup de grāce

"If she's blinded, I can always remove it tomorrow, so it's not overtly hostile." - Chase (Mordicai)

"See, by grappling her I don't have to chase after her down the corridor, which is how my last character died." - John (Ovo)

[Alan silently raises his hand and counts down from 5 to 0 on his fingers]
"What's the counting for?" - John (Ovo)
"We're back to gaming." - Alan (DM)

"I'm gonna grab the dead chick, throw her down the stairs, and shout 'kneel!'" - John (Ovo)
"The humans and the gnolls break and run." - Alan (DM)

"That's what I like my combats to be: 40 feet away and over." - Gordon (Palen)

"Can someone who carries a calculator at all times hand one to me?" - Alan (DM)
[winning the scramble] "Doesn't that just scream geek?" - Gordon (Palen)

"The mooks each fire an arrow into the front row, hitting AC... 13 and... 15." - Alan (DM)
"Doesn't hit me." - Uriah (Rhys)
"Nope." - John (Ovo)
"Does this spell 'cake walk'?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"My name is distinctly 2 syllables: Vna-dno. None of this Vuh-nad-no nonsense." - János (Vnadno)
"Well, when you pick a name only you can say..." - Alan (DM)

"6 gnolls come out of the other corridor while you're arguing." - Alan (DM)
"Do we maintain initiative order?" - John (Ovo)
"No, please no!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"You both rolled Chase initiatives; I rolled a 14!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Who let the gnolls out?" - Jon (Dave)

"Can you flank through 3 people? If I hopped on the end here, all these guys are between us." - Chase (Mordicai)
"No, they just join our side, like Othello." - John (Ovo)

"Is there anything distinctly feminine [in the dresser]? Underwear, that sort of thing? I pocket some of those; it'll be funny later." - John (Ovo)

"Do you have Knowledge: Bear Anatomy?" - Alan (DM)
"8 ranks." - John (Ovo)
"I don't believe you." - Alan (DM)

"Pay attention: it's a long, narrow room with natural light and [Alan]'s brandishing a Monster Manual." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Shit, it's not a vampire." - Jon (Dave)

"You're not losing levels; think of it as gaining 2 negative levels!" - Alan (DM)

"I'll say 'What is this abomination?' and back away. Only I'll use small words, like... thing." - John (Ovo)

"I search for block text." - John (Ovo)

"I think you have twice as many quotes as anyone else." - János (Vnadno)
"That's 'cause I'm twice the smartass as anyone else." - Jon (Dave)

"Alan, what's the CR of a giant dildo?" - Jon (Dave)
"I think you want the penisaurus." - Alan (DM)

"Always look both ways before crossing a corridor." - Chase (Mordicai)

"In case of block text, break glass." - John (Ovo)

"Would the 2-hit-die and lower who failed their save please step down?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"The last mook- " - Alan (DM)
"Commits honorable seppuku?" - Jon (Dave)
"Does that provoke an attack of opportunity?" - Uriah (Rhys)

"Dave knows what happens when Dave sees a giant Sharpie decend from the heavens." - Jon (Dave)

"You have to remind me to buy slightly anthropomorphic candy so we can use them." - Chase (Mordicai), providing gummi bears to use as bad guy tokens

"That gummi bear is standing up, which is odd." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Must be the vernal equinox." - János (Vnadno)

"I didn't feel like rewriting 'cloaker' over the 'lobster', so you're fighting 'clobsters'." - Alan (DM)

"Ovo, the cloaker is grappling you." - Alan (DM)
"But you already have the Cloak of Charisma; you can't wear 2 cloaks!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Only I am committed to finishing off D'Gran, so I can get his gummi bear." - Jon (Dave)

"If D'Gran kills me, does Alan eat the mini?" - Uriah (Rhys)

"Rend: that's how they tore that halfling into a quarterling." - John (Ovo)

"We could do just enough damage it takes him the rest of the time we're in the Temple of Elemental Evil to regenerate." - Jon (Dave)

"I summon a thoqqua and order it to coup de grāce D'Gran." - Chase (Mordicai)
"The thoqqua says 'Hmm? Me not speak French. Ohh, you mean kill!'" - Alan (DM)

"That's one of the most ludicrous things I've ever heard anyone say." - Alan (DM)

"Man, I never expected to run into a hostage situation with gargoyles." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Are there any insects in this place?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I'm gonna assume there's some sort of weevil." - Gordon (Palen)

"No questions until after the block text is over. Lose 1 experience point!" - Alan (DM)

"Why are you giving him rations when you can create food and water? The poor guy's been held prisoner; he wants some good stuff!" - Jon (Dave)
"Actually the food you create with that spell isn't much better than rations. It's in the description." - John (Ovo)
"Yeah, you want create greater food and water; that's a 7th level spell." - János (Vnadno)

"I have to roll lower than 7 to not dispel your bull strength." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Chase, just think: 'I'm rolling initiative, I'm rolling initiative." - Jon (Dave)
"I rolled a 2!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"Is 'kill DM' a feat, or is it a skill?" - Jon (Dave)

"Is it possible to carry enough gold to gain an AC bonus?" - János (Vnadno)
"Maybe if you take a feat." - Chase (Mordicai)

"[Rhys] needs to be impetuous so he doesn't get left behind." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm gonna start thinking about enslaving things we run into instead of killing them." - Gordon (Palen)

"[John]'s come back with a Shadowrun book, what did he do over there?" - János (Vnadno)
"I got killed so bad I'm playing a different game." - John (Ovo)

"I'll be fine; I'll scream like a little girl if there's trouble." - Gordon (Palen)

[Jon sneaks up and destroys Palen's secretive negotiations with a druid and his dire bear]
"Goddammit, Jon Ehrich!" - Gordon (Palen)
"If you'd given me any reason to believe you were in your right mind, I would have played along!" - Jon (Dave)

"[Uriah]'s playing his wisdom, he's playing his wisdom!" - Gordon (Palen)
"He's moving forward; he's playing his intelligence." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Friendship moves them up one slot in the NPC attitude table." - Gordon (Palen)
"In the DMG." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Hostile to unfriendly, unfriendly to indifferent..." - Gordon (Palen)
"Friendly to humping your leg." - János (Vnadno)

"What the hell's going on?" - János (Vnadno)
"I have no idea!" - Alan (DM)
"Even the DM doesn't know; it isn't one of the usual things." - Jon (Dave)

"All right, I think we pull out the big guns and go for broke." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Getting a dire bear to stop mauling someone mid-maul is not that easy. So your fate depends on the NPC's handle animal check." - Alan (DM)

"You should play dead; that does work with bears." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Make 2 saves: bluff to play dead convincingly, concentration not to flinch when he prods." - Alan (DM)

"So how do bears check if something's playing dead? I don't know enough about bear behavior!" - Alan (DM)
"Wait a second; I'm getting reference material." - Jon (Dave), running over to bookcase and returning with The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

"So where are those diagrams? Those area of effect diagrams." - Alan (DM)
"The bear's exploding?" - Jon (Dave)
"No, the druid is." - Chase (Mordicai)

"The trouble is you can't tell if he's taken any wounds to his neck 'cause it's in [the bear's] maw." - Jon (Dave)

"He critically fumbles his bite." - Alan (DM)
"His teeth fall out?" - János (Vnadno)
"He bites his lip?" - Chase (Mordicai)

"You're trapped, because it was a bear and it had you in a bear hug." - Alan (DM)
"It was a dire bear and it had you in a dire bear hug." - Jon (Dave)

"I say: 'medic!'" - Uriah (Rhys), looking between János and Chase
"That's János." - Gordon (Palen)
"He's medic; I'm triage." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Okay, I walk in, say 'don't threaten him, calm down, everyone,' and I cast charm fucking person." - Gordon (Palen)
"He botches his save. Okay, here's what he knows about the Temple..." - Alan (DM)

"This is the only useful dwarven magical item: the ass of holding. This is why all dwarves are gay. You haven't fucked until you've fucked an extradimensional space." - Jon (Dave)

"Oh my god, I just rolled 5 sixes." - Alan (DM)
"Really?" - John (Ovo)
"And a 2." - Alan (DM)

"I rolled a 2 to hit and a 1 damage and I killed him. I could not possibly have rolled any worse without fumbling. And I killed him!" - Jon (Dave)

"Vnadno is combat-effective again! He goes in streaks." - Gordon (Palen)
"Vnadno streaks?" - Jon (Dave)

"Okay, so clatter, clatter, clatter, [orc] javelins." - Alan (DM)

"The are 4 corpses in the room: 2 humans and 2 gnolls. They are all headless." - Alan (DM)
"There's a Highlander in there!" - János (Vnadno)

"Can I roll metagame knowledge?" - John (Ovo)

"I've more than doubled my last initiative." - János (Vnadno)
"5?" - Uriah (Rhys)
"Exactly." - János (Vnadno)

"Can you raise skeletons with no heads? I can't see why not." - Gordon (Palen)
"Because they have no heads!" - Chase (Mordicai)

"You find 60 gold pieces and a masterwork bastard sword." - Alan (DM)
"It's a basterwork sword." - János (Vnadno)

"Your ability to find dead creatures is impressive." - Chase (Mordicai)

"How many giant ants were there in the colony?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I refer you to the first quote ever." - Alan (DM)
"My AC is 24, my flat-footed AC is 23." - Uriah (Rhys)
"I was hoping your dex was so low your AC went up." - Jon (Dave)

"How do you tell when a fire elemental is hurt?" - Gordon (Palen)
"Easy; it smokes more and burns less. It starts burning less efficiently." - Alan (DM)
"Water elementals start leaking?" - Uriah (Rhys)

"I ready an action to attack if it kills someone." - Jon (Dave)

[rolls Uriah's damage from a fire mephit] "You should look at page 86 of the DMG; that tells you about being on fire." - Alan (DM)

"I scoff; can I scoff as a free action?" - Uriah (Rhys)

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